When Motherhood is a Competition, We All Lose

Free AI web copilot to create summaries, insights and extended knowledge, download it at here

1838

Abstract

t I would find support and was safe to share my views. But I left that conversation in tears. I felt so misunderstood. I never shared my hopes for raising my daughter with anyone again.The criticism I have received for how I raise my daughter is always tinged with one-upmanship. The other mother is constantly asserting how their way is the right way. “I never did that with my kids and they’ve turned out fine.”Nobody spontaneously praises a mother’s parenting. You have to fish for compliments with “I feel like a rubbish mom” or you have to be obviously struggling. There’s hardly ever any genuine affirmation that you are doing a good job.This gives way to a lot of insecurity. And what do people do when they are insecure? They become defensive. This is why I can understand my fellow mother behaving in the way they do. They see other mothers parenting in a different way and feel the need to show that their parenting style is valid too.But when motherhood becomes a competition, everyone loses. According to the <a href="https://maternalmentalhealthalliance.org">Maternal Mental Health Alliance</a>, 1 in 10 mothers develop mental health problems during pregnancy or in the year after giving birth. 7 in 10 mothers will hide or downplay the symptoms of their mental illness. The pressure to be perfect creates unnecessary mental distress in an already vulnerable time in a mother’s life.If so many mothers hide or downplay their difficulties, it has a ripple effect. If a mother thinks other mothers are doing well, she will feel the pressure to come across as if she is doing well too. Then another mother will be looking at her and thinking “she’s got it all together. I can’t tell anyone I’m struggling.” Then everyone suffers in silen

Options

ce and continues to feel that they need to prove that they have motherhood figured out.Our children lose out too. My mother was competitive and very judgemental of other mothers. She wanted to prove that she was as good or better and would use her children to do so. But I was shy and didn’t want to perform for her. She would scold me for not being the social accessory she needed. I grew up feeling like I was an embarrassment to her. This affected my self-esteem and to this day I secretly wonder whether I am an embarrassment to my loved ones.I am fortunate to be part of a wonderful perinatal mental health support group. The mothers who attend are supportive and honest. We can talk frankly about the realities of motherhood, our mental health problems and how none of us have got this parenthood thing figured out. There’s no pressure to compete with each other. There’s no judgemental stares or unsolicited advice if someone’s child is screaming. Just support and validation that it’s normal and that every mother has been there.Each week I look forward to being part of a community of mothers that build each other up rather than tear each other down. It’s so refreshing, which is quite sad. This should be the norm. As mothers we needed to be on each other’s side because let’s face it, no one else is. It’s our job to nurture, so why can’t we nurture each other?There isn’t a right way to parent. But there is a right way to support each other as mothers. Having the courage to be vulnerable and honest is a start. Motherhood is hard. None of us know what we are doing. We all feel like we could be doing better. And that’s okay. Because for every mother who feels like that, there are hundreds of mothers who are feeling exactly the same.</article></body>

Maybe it’s time we nurtured each other too

I have never been involved in a competition as ruthless as motherhood. There’s pressure from the media and the society we live in to do everything perfectly. But since becoming a mother myself, I have been surprised to find that a big contributor to this toxic culture are fellow mothers. In fact, if I hear “My little one sleeps through the night” and “My little one knows Makaton” in that horrible, snobby tone I will scream.

I don’t blame my fellow mothers for being this way. We have to nurture in a culture that doesn’t nurture us back. We are held to impossibly high standards and there’s always something we’re not doing right. It’s no surprise that mothers try to compete with each other. How else can we soothe the mom guilt?

When I was pregnant, I often talked about how I wanted to raise my daughter. Once I mentioned that I didn’t want to push gender stereotypes on her. I was criticised heavily by fellow mothers.

Why are you subscribing to a parenting fad?

You can’t force her to be a boy!

You shouldn’t be encouraging that.

This gender-neutral stuff is garbage.

You should be mothering her. Not doing this!

I naively thought I would find support and was safe to share my views. But I left that conversation in tears. I felt so misunderstood. I never shared my hopes for raising my daughter with anyone again.

The criticism I have received for how I raise my daughter is always tinged with one-upmanship. The other mother is constantly asserting how their way is the right way. “I never did that with my kids and they’ve turned out fine.”

Nobody spontaneously praises a mother’s parenting. You have to fish for compliments with “I feel like a rubbish mom” or you have to be obviously struggling. There’s hardly ever any genuine affirmation that you are doing a good job.

This gives way to a lot of insecurity. And what do people do when they are insecure? They become defensive. This is why I can understand my fellow mother behaving in the way they do. They see other mothers parenting in a different way and feel the need to show that their parenting style is valid too.

But when motherhood becomes a competition, everyone loses. According to the Maternal Mental Health Alliance, 1 in 10 mothers develop mental health problems during pregnancy or in the year after giving birth. 7 in 10 mothers will hide or downplay the symptoms of their mental illness. The pressure to be perfect creates unnecessary mental distress in an already vulnerable time in a mother’s life.

If so many mothers hide or downplay their difficulties, it has a ripple effect. If a mother thinks other mothers are doing well, she will feel the pressure to come across as if she is doing well too. Then another mother will be looking at her and thinking “she’s got it all together. I can’t tell anyone I’m struggling.” Then everyone suffers in silence and continues to feel that they need to prove that they have motherhood figured out.

Our children lose out too. My mother was competitive and very judgemental of other mothers. She wanted to prove that she was as good or better and would use her children to do so. But I was shy and didn’t want to perform for her. She would scold me for not being the social accessory she needed. I grew up feeling like I was an embarrassment to her. This affected my self-esteem and to this day I secretly wonder whether I am an embarrassment to my loved ones.

I am fortunate to be part of a wonderful perinatal mental health support group. The mothers who attend are supportive and honest. We can talk frankly about the realities of motherhood, our mental health problems and how none of us have got this parenthood thing figured out. There’s no pressure to compete with each other. There’s no judgemental stares or unsolicited advice if someone’s child is screaming. Just support and validation that it’s normal and that every mother has been there.

Each week I look forward to being part of a community of mothers that build each other up rather than tear each other down. It’s so refreshing, which is quite sad. This should be the norm. As mothers we needed to be on each other’s side because let’s face it, no one else is. It’s our job to nurture, so why can’t we nurture each other?

There isn’t a right way to parent. But there is a right way to support each other as mothers. Having the courage to be vulnerable and honest is a start. Motherhood is hard. None of us know what we are doing. We all feel like we could be doing better. And that’s okay. Because for every mother who feels like that, there are hundreds of mothers who are feeling exactly the same.