Do Condoms Make You Go Soft? I’m Here to Help!
How to prevent and alleviate situational erectile dysfunction — condom related, or otherwise
Did you or your partner ever temporarily lose erection while fumbling to put on a condom? Perhaps you’d built anticipation to have sex for days and then it just wouldn’t work. Did the fantasy of a lifetime unfold in front of your eyes, but then Jimmy refused to rise to the occasion?
Sure, it’s a downer (…). But, let me tell you something, in case you didn’t know, it happens to the best of them.
My story about the condom refuter has provided endless inspiration for continued content, and one of many issues it has prompted me to address is the excuse, condoms make me go soft.
While a lame and manipulative line to drop ahead of a casual encounter, it doesn’t necessarily make it any less true. For some, even the crackly sound of a wrapper will cause Junior to waver in an instance.
Situation erectile dysfunction can have a multitude of causes, ranging from nervousness and performance anxiety to stress, fatigue, or a few too many drinks. Common for all, unless substance-induced, is that it tends to be psychogenic. Further, it either has or will happen to nearly every proud penis owner, at some point(s) or another.
Men’s health company RexMD, agrees and reports that it’s also common and not alarming for men to struggle with “achieving or maintaining an erection for as much as 20% of the times they engage in sexual activity”.
If this is so prevalent, why do we hardly speak about it?
ED is a delicate topic
There’s a reason why one of the euphemisms for a penis is manhood. For many men, their masculinity is so tied up to the performance of their member that the occasional faux pas can be experienced as a severe personal failure. It’s natural not to want to call much attention, apart from the shyly mumbled disclaimer: I’m sorry, I swear, this really never happens to me…
For those of us on the other end, we tend to not want to make a big deal out of it either. First of all, because it isn’t! Secondly, most of us understand the delicacy of the situation and don’t want to make our partners feel bad. Besides, pointing it out does nothing to prevent it from happening again, right?
But, is the awkward silence really better than confronting the issue head-on? And, if we never speak about it, how can we help and support each other to prevent it from becoming an ongoing problem?
Throughout my sexually active years, I’ve seen my share of situational ED which, in my age group, has tended to be psychological. In one long-term relationship, my partner struggled with an ongoing dysfunction, which, at the time, we were too young and inexperienced to even talk about. Since then, I’ve become better at addressing all kinds of sexual issues in a sensible way. And, because I know that when my partner feels comfortable in bed, sex will be better for both of us, I’m more than willing to put in the work to make that happen. Here’s some of what I’ve learned.
When condoms are the problem
I’ve had experiences where the condom became an annoying ordeal and a mood killer; fumbling to find it, struggling to put it on while staying hard, and so on.
Opposite, I’ve had lovers so apt, I hardly even noticed it happening. The condom was just there, and a swift maneuver later, it was on. No awkward pause, no clumsiness, just business as usual.
If you have a penis and struggle with condom use, practice like you would any other thing you want to get better at:
Start posh wanking
This doesn’t mean wanking with Gucci lotion as proposed by someone on Reddit but refers to the act of masturbating with a condom. Posh in this context has to do with the fact that it requires no cleanup. Personally, I like how it’s making condom use sound lucrative and fancy.
Practice everything from opening the wrapper to putting them on quickly. Then, get yourself off while wearing one to get used to the sensation. Repeat regularly until you’re a pro!
Taking your time to get properly aroused beforehand, adding plenty of lube, and making it a sensual self-care seance in the comfort of your own home, could even rewire your brain. Free of the stress of having to perform, the rubber could cease to trigger anxiety and rather become associated with sexiness and pleasure. Our minds are incredibly powerful like this.
Death to the death grip!
Death grip refers to the act of masturbating so hard and vigorously that the sensation can’t be replicated by a partner. When this becomes your go-to way to stay hard and get off, it can be difficult to maintain an erection and reach orgasm during partnered sex. Add a condom on top and you’re bound for a stalemate.
The best way to combat this is to change the way you self-pleasure; go slow and gentle, use your non-dominant hand to apply less force, and otherwise mix up your sensations. Increasing your sensitivity might take time and you may not climax easily to start, but it’s a worthwhile endeavor in the long run.
It’s not only those with penises who need to know their ways around condom use. If you don’t, get a pack and practice on your favorite dildo or phallus of choice.
Use your mouth
A good friend had a partner who struggled to maintain an erection during the application, and in order to help him, she became an expert at putting the condom on with her mouth. The added excitement and sexy visuals made his issue a thing of the past and turned it into a highlight instead.
Before the act, set yourself up for success
Few things kill the mood like having to leave the room or rummage around in search of a condom—especially if you’re sensitive to distraction or feeling self-conscious. Always keep them within reach, the same goes for everything else you might need, from water to lube and toys.
Create an otherwise calm, comfortable atmosphere using low lighting and music, to further create a positive association with condom use.
What to do if and when it happens
The following tips are helpful, whether your situational ED is condom-related or not.
For guys and people with penises, it’s all about relieving pressure and taking the focus off your penis.
Talk about it beforehand
If you know that you occasionally experience performance anxiety, tell your lover about it. I assure you that any worthwhile partner will be compassionate and understanding, plus, chances are talking about it will alleviate some of the anxiety causing the issue in the first place.
Important! If condoms tend to cause the problem, bring this up in good time before you’re about to hop to bed to assure your partner you’re not trying to weasel your way out of it.
Focus on your partner first
There’s so much more to sex than PIV (or PIA), besides, many women struggle to orgasm during penetrative sex anyway. Remember that she can usually come more than once and often feels more relaxed and comfortable after an orgasm. Getting her off first is therefore a win-win for everyone!
Have several sessions without penetration
If the issue persists, decide to have sex for a while without any penetration at all to learn how much fun and pleasure can be had without relying on your hard cock.
Use toys
Having a dildo or vibrator at hand allows you to penetrate your partner even when you’re not up for the job.
For women and other partners of people with a penis, your attitude matters. You want to help your partner to feel comfortable and at ease to alleviate pressure and performance anxiety.
I had a wonderful lover who was blessed with exceptional stamina and a very reliable erection. Still, when we met he was nervous about not staying hard because an ex of his had taken personal offense and mocked him whenever his erection took a slight break during other activities, such as oral sex.
Because he wanted to impress me, and at the same time, didn’t want me to think a temporary downtime meant that he wasn’t attracted to me, he got all in his head and didn’t manage to stay present.
When he admitted this to me, I was shocked. First of all, I hadn’t even noticed, secondly, no one should EVER expect their partners (or themselves) to stay rock hard throughout. We’re not cyborgs!
His past lover did the exact opposite of what any supportive partner should do!
First, remember, clits have erections and can experience ED too!
If you have a vagina you’ll know that your own arousal and subsequent erection will go in waves during a sexual encounter. The clitoris, which extends up to four inches back into the body, gets erect and swells to an impressive 50 to 30 percent of its size. The main difference is that with a penis this is much more obvious, while the anatomy of a vulva makes it less so.
If you don’t have a penis, put yourself in their shoes, and imagine the mental pressure of being expected to stay fully erect at all times, or else you fail. As if there’s not enough pressure around sex already. Cut each other some slack!
Be supportive. Don’t pout or get upset
Pulling back, arms crossed over your chest, with a disappointed grin is not only the worst strategy to convince his erection to rejoin the party but can also cause long-term trauma, which might lead to a more persistent dysfunction.
Don’t make it about you
If he’s not hard, there must be something wrong with me. Maybe he doesn’t find me attractive? Our insecurities want us to think it’s about us. Don’t listen! Instead, consider the idea that he might find you SO hot that he’s anxious to impress you. Most likely, it has nothing to do with you at all.
Let him focus on your pleasure
Take the attention off his hard-on and go on a treasure hunt of each other’s bodies. Tell him what you like and grasp this chance to invite your lover to indulge you with his hands and mouth. Chances are, the boner will want to rejoin, sooner rather than later.
Tease and entice
Create visual stimuli for your partner by putting on a show; touch yourself, give them a slow swaying lap dance where you let them taste whichever part you brush across their mouths.
The vacuum blowjob
If your partner is into receiving oral when they’re soft, you can literally pull the blood back into their cock by varying between gentle licking and hard sucking where you create a vacuum — kind of like a human penis pump. I personally find it very thrilling to feel it growing in my mouth.
All in all, dealing with situational and psychogenic ED is really all about being compassionate and supportive with our partners, and with ourselves. As always, sharing our worries and anxieties in the bedroom, along with our curiosities and desires, makes everything easier—even if it can feel scary at first. To top it off, apply some creativity and try new things to take focus and pressure off of performing. Lastly, remember that we’re neither pornstars nor robots, but beautifully flawed, perfectly imperfect humans.
© Ena Dahl 2022
