How Do I Write About Sex When I Feel Anything But Sexy?

Depression and the erotica author

I have been writing and publishing erotica for almost eight years. During that time, I’ve released over 60 ebooks.

Sounds impressive, right?

Not so much. At least, not to me. When you consider that I primarily write short stories and several of my ebooks are actually collections, it’s not as impressive as it may seem. And when I look at the lengthy list of ideas I have for stories that never materialized and the large gaps in my publishing history, my accomplishments — for whatever they’re worth — seem a lot less like something I should crow about and a lot more like an accusing eye peering at me with contempt for my perceived utter lack of productivity.

I have reasons…maybe explanations…maybe excuses. I write fiction on the side and most of my day is consumed by the work that pays the bills. Not exactly an unfamiliar story for a fiction writer. But I can’t blame my unproductivity entirely on my workload. The fact of the matter is, sometimes I just…

Can’t.

Erotica is supposed to make you feel, but sometimes what I’m actually feeling is not conducive to what I’m supposed to make you feel. I write stories that are mostly light and fun and sexy. At least, I hope that’s the case. Sometimes they can be strange, maybe even somewhat dark, but for the most part, they are meant to be an escape from your problems — not a bottomless dive into mine. But when I’m in the deepest recesses of my negative mind and the depression takes hold, it’s next to impossible to do what I feel I’m supposed to do as an author.

Or even as a human being.

I’m all therapied out.

This isn’t anything new; I’ve been dealing with this since childhood. For as long as I can remember, I have dealt with depression. When I was very young, I was told I was just sad, it would go away after a day or two. And sometimes it did. But most of the time, it just intensified the more I tried to make it go away. It didn’t improve with age either.

I was briefly on medication when I was in college, but the effects it had on my body made me feel a lot worse, even more depressed, so I stopped taking it. I’ve spent my share of time on the couch — about a half dozen therapists in my adult life — and although they were mostly helpful in their own ways, I don’t have any plans to go back to therapy anytime soon. I’m all therapied out. Even though you may be acutely aware of the roots of your problems, you get to the point where you’re just tired of talking about it. At least I was. With every new therapist comes a new intake, a new set of soliloquys about my past, a new opportunity to dredge up old baggage from the burial ground inside my mind and run newly-sharpened knives along the same old scars that may not be entirely healed, but at least they’re not seeping blood anymore. So no, at least for now, more therapy is not an option.

But neither is failure.

It’s next to impossible to fight a darkness that grabs you by the ankles and tries to drag you kicking and screaming into hell.

Luckily it doesn’t have to be. There are so many well-known writers with a documented history of depression from Mark Twain to Sylvia Plath to Emily Dickinson to Ernest Hemingway. Just like the hustle of writing on the side while working full time doing something else seems to be a common writer experience, so does depression. This can be attributed to several factors, including the solitary nature of our work, the constant rejection we face as we try to get our work into the line of sight of readers, the instability we deal with when it comes to earnings, and the feelings of self-doubt we may experience as we try to follow our bliss.

Knowing that I’m not alone in my feelings is certainly comforting, but if my years of therapy have taught me anything, it’s that when the shit hits the fan, what I know intellectually doesn’t matter. Especially when I’m in the thick of the worst of it and I can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t get out of bed to do anything at all, let alone write stories that will entice someone to grab a sex toy or a partner to get off with. And when the suicidal ideation decides to rear its ugly head, all bets are off. It’s next to impossible to fight a darkness that grabs you by the ankles and tries to drag you kicking and screaming into hell.

Luckily for me, I’m getting better, and I’m internalizing certain lessons that make erotica writing easier during the times I feel anything but sexy. For those days when I almost can’t bring myself to work, for those days I almost can’t bring myself to think about sex so that I can write about it in a way people will enjoy, I try to remember these things.

The Whip May Be Good for Sex Stories, But Not for Life

I can be pretty hard on myself and to say that I’m sometimes my own worst critic is an understatement. I used to think that constantly flogging myself would make me better, would make me get in gear to do the things I need to get done — and ultimately make me a better person, not the sad failure that I sometimes think looks back at me in the mirror. After years of self-flagellation, I finally realized that it was making me worse and all I was doing was taking over, and perfecting, the job of everyone who had hurt me in the past with harsh criticism. The whip is fine for a BDSM story, but it’s no longer an acceptable tool for attempts at motivation — not in work, not in life. It doesn’t work and it has never really worked.

A Little Seduction Goes a Long Way

Seduction is an art, just like writing. And just like seduction and writing, creating a space where I can escape the browbeating that plays on a loop in my mind on certain days is an art — a beautiful expression of self-acceptance and gentle kindness that I sometimes desperately need.

After years of self-flagellation, I finally realized that it was making me worse….

So if I need to go to the beach, I do it; if I need to take a nap, I do it; if I need to treat myself with a piece of chocolate or my favorite takeout, I do that too. I do what I can to get myself in the mood to write about sex, and to feel better overall. But on those days when I simply can’t muster up the energy for anything, I give myself the grace to do nothing…and I forgive myself the next day. No judgment, no shame. I just pick myself up when I’m strong enough, dust myself off, and do what I need to do to move forward.

Coming Is a Process, Not a Destination

The best thing about writing about sex — and having it for that matter — is the buildup, the process. You don’t want to rush it because the destination usually doesn’t look as picturesque when you haven’t really enjoyed the journey that got you there. And it has been much the same way with my depression journey.

“Why can’t you just get over it?” is a question I’ve heard more times than I can count. If there is one thing I’ve learned over the years it’s that healing is a process — and a slow one at that. It doesn’t come on a schedule; it doesn’t come barreling down the track just because I want to set a timetable for it. And even though it’s painful, the process has been one of my greatest teachers. Is this an easy education? No. Do I enjoy it? Absolutely not. But when my mind is clear, I try to find the gifts that I’ve gained from this experience. And they’re gifts that I don’t know I could have gotten any other way.

I’ve also learned that I may never get to the destination — wherever that may be. There are feelings that are so ingrained in me that I don’t know if they will ever leave me. Maybe some wounds just never heal. Maybe this is just who I’m supposed to be. But I can’t beat myself up over not getting to this perhaps real, perhaps mythical, destination yet. All I can do is try to make the most of this process…and be kind to myself on those days when I can’t.

More from Kiki Wellington:

Sources:

Mann, D. (2014, June 18). Why Writers Are Prone to Depression. Everyday Health. https://www.everydayhealth.com/depression/why-writers-are-prone-to-depression-6709.aspx

Page, B. (2010, December 13). Writers ‘at greater risk of depression’, survey finds. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/books/2010/dec/13/writers-depression-top-10-risk

Vann, M. (2013, June 19). 8 Famous Writers With Depression. Everyday Health. https://www.everydayhealth.com/depression-pictures/famous-writers-with-depression.aspx