SELP-HELP SHENANIGANS
Denning-Krueger Effect by (Not-a-Doctor) Mark
Watch out, Oprah, Not-a-Doctor is back!!!
Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark is a monthly column where non-guru Mark Suroviec, M.Ed., answers your self-help questions on topics he doesn't fully understand.
The Dudeski-Keurig Effect—August 2023
Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark,
I'm an emergency room doctor at the St. Nicholas de Licorice Hospital in Brunswick, Delaware. During my six years as a resident, I rocked at medicine like a tap-dancing hippo hiding in the Louvre from groundskeeper Philip. My Tippie tip-top performance as a hospital staff displayed my legendary skills in neurology, cardiology, ophthalmology, gastroenterology, and making interns uncomfortable. I am a golden god of medical performance.
A colleague of mine, we'll call him Michael, thinks I'm less knowledgeable than I believe. He keeps mumbling about me being a prime example of the Dumbledore-Kool-aid-man Effect or some other horse testicle nonsense unrelated to my perfection. What in the name of stolen Oxycotin is Michael talking about?
— Blissfully Unaware
The response
Dear Dumb*ss,
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is the cognitive bias where the more someone sucks at something, the more likely they think they are amazing. Don't worry about your precious ego juice. The Dunning-Kruger is obviously made up and should not be taken seriously.
We should be infinitely more worried that your symptoms are displaying the classic profile of the Denning-Krueger Effect.
The Denning-Krueger Effect is a cognitive bias where every time Aussie blogging ninja Tim Denning advertises an exorbitantly priced writing course, Freddy Krueger sneaks into the dreams of those who don't sign up and murders them in their sleep — with creepy blade fingers.¹
According to Medium historian Victor Cardenas, the duo of Tim and Freddy originally had a different professional arrangement. ²
"In the beginning, Freddy wrote the stories, and Tim was the dream assassin. However, the pair soon discovered that 8" cutlery fingernails make typing incredibly difficult. And Tim proved to be really good at words." -VC.
With TimDen at the writer's helm and Freddy nightmaring the pants off attractive 28-year-old actors pretending to be high school students, Dublin- Kroger's success swept through society like an electrified wombat in heat. ³
“Do you know how fast you can build an email list if you have access to your customer’s secret fears? Imagine that reoccurring dream of going to school in your underwear ending with a swarm of 12,000 racist bees.”
— Freddy Krueger
If we've learned anything about the power of movies, if you die in your sleep, you die for realsies. Or as real as the facts in this advice column.
On a side note, if your Dad Joke tank is running low, you can have this Kruegerific freebie:
Step 1: Strike up a conversation with someone who works for the nearest [bank, elementary school, taco truck, horse-glue factory] named “Elm Street.”
Step 2: Pretend that you forgot the name of their employer. Then suddenly remember and respond with, “ELM STREET? I heard that place is a NIGHTMARE.”
Step 3: Apologize.
Blissful, I advise you to build a fortress of mental solitude impervious to Freddy's metaphysical attacks.
What? Don't you have a fortress of mental solitude?
Never let your dream space be unprotected from early 90s horror villains again with my Inception Armor DreamGuard Mindfulness Seminar — Platinum© for only $4999.98.
You're welcome,
— Not-a-Doctor Mark
Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark
Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark,
Do you think Tim Denning will find this story funny?
— Everyone Suckered into Reading This Garbage
The Response
Dear Adam, Kristine, and Jennifer,
I do not.
You're welcome,
— Not-a-Doctor Mark
Footnotes
¹ This story is a work of below-average satire regarding a legitimate cognitive bias called the Dunning-Kruger effect. I have nothing but respect for Mr. Dennings' skill and volume of writing and Mr. Kruegar's artesian ability to decorate bedrooms with the intestines of his enemies.
²Celebrity Couple Name: Tiddy? or Freddim?
³ You clicked on this link, didn't you, perv?
Because I'm not a complete fartwaffle, here's a Tim Denning story.
Can't get enough of Not-a-Doctor Mark? Double your prescription here:
Need to laugh your boobs off to the tune of delightful folk rock? Enjoy Aurelia Bliss.
Join Medium here by September 1st, and I will get a small bonus at no additional cost to you.