Self-Help Satire
Interpreting Dreams with “Not-a-Doctor Mark”
The best advice comes from the unqualified — Me
Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark is a monthly column where non-guru Mark Suroviec, M.Ed., answers your self-help questions on topics he doesn’t fully understand.
Interpreting Dreams
— January 2023
Dream #1
Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark,
Last night I dreamed I was a black belt in Tae Kwon Do and beat up a bunch of methhead punks robbing a liquor store. I don’t have any actual law enforcement or martial arts training.
What does it mean?
— Neighborhood Watchman
The response
Dear Neighborhood Watchman,
As anyone who has played the Assassins Creed video game can tell, we retain the memories of skills we learn while dreaming.
Could you Chuck Norris-style roundhouse kick the head off a bronze horse statue in your sleep? Then you can certainly do that in the real world.
Stop listening to the haters who believe it takes years of highly disciplined martial arts training to become a black belt. Don’t believe the quacks who tell you that vigilante justice movies like John Wick 3 or Toy Story 4 aren’t realistic portrayals of law enforcement. ¹
For the good of our depraved society, please pursue a crime-fighting career. Don’t wait for my permission or ask your spouse.
Get over to a poorly lit street corner at 2:00 am and wait for the magic to happen.
You’re welcome,
— Not-a-Doctor Mark
Dream #2
Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark,
I have this recurring dream where I get notified by my high school that I didn’t complete Pre-Calculus my senior year and shouldn’t have graduated. I’m forced to attend 12th grade for an entire semester as a 48-year-old student. Reliving the experience makes me so angry I end up in the principal’s office shouting, “I have my Ph.D., I don’t need a hall pass to use the *%@$&*& toilet!”
I hate this dream!
— Dr. Billie Madison, Ph.D.
The response
Dear Dr. Madison,
On the surface, your dream sounds like a hilariously immature story that would take a young Adam Sandler an hour and twenty-nine minutes to tell. But your dream, like every Sandler movie produced after The Wedding Singer, is not funny.
Perhaps this scenario represents a latent fear that you missed out on the memorable experiences of childhood. Or you have irritable bowel syndrome, and nothing is more important to your sense of security than the freedom to fill the crapper on your terms.
My advice is never to get a job in an Amazon fulfillment warehouse. Unless you find peeing your pants is as cool as Miles Davis.
If your problem is that b.s. I made up about your childhood, then the only thing I have to say is:
“What I’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in my rambling, incoherent response was I even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award myself no points, and may God have mercy on my soul.” ²
You’re welcome,
— Not-a-Doctor Mark
Dream #3
Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark,
I woke up in a cold sweat after this horrific nightmare. I was back working at my old job that I quit in 2020 because of a toxic work culture. I thought my boss was a petty tyrant then. In the dream, he became Lord Emperor Middling Mangerico and made us swear a blood oath of lifetime loyalty to his reign.
“Let’s circle back, let’s circle back, let’s circle back,” chanted the mindless corporate zombies I once called my co-workers. As the Lord Emperor’s altar filled with the blood of innocent unpaid interns, I ran away screaming from the terrifying spectacle.
How do I stop this madness?
— Escape from Work Hell
The response
Dear EWH,
I’m tempted to make a shameless plug for my company, WorkPlay Solutions, as the cure, but that response would be unprofessional. ³
Instead, let’s look at your nighttime routine. Do you floss your teeth right before bed? Stop immediately and replace that destructive habit with something more soothing, like fish taxidermy or zebra husbandry. If your local zoo notices missing zebras, then [advice redacted pending civil suit with San Diego Zoo].
Studies show that oversized deli sandwiches before bed have a calming effect on your dreams. If you live in an area without quality delicatessen, consider keeping a Crock-Pot of Swedish meatballs on your nightstand.
You might wonder why I’m focusing on nighttime habits and diet instead of your toxic work environment. The answer is simple.
You’re welcome,
— Not-a-Doctor Mark
Footnotes
¹ The knife fighting scenes in Toy Story 4 are especially epic.
² Quote from Billy Madison (1995), adapted in context. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0112508/quotes/?ref_=tt_trv_qu
³ Good thing I’m not a real doctor.
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Thank you, Hollie Petit, Ph.D. and Toni Greathouse.
