💗Self-Help Satire💗

Definitive Guide to Romance with (Not-a-Doctor) Mark

✅Three porcupines ✅Sulfuric acid ✅ Blowup doll of Vladimir Putin

Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark is a monthly column where non-guru Mark Suroviec, M.Ed., answers your self-help questions on topics he doesn’t fully understand.

Mark’s Definitive Guide to Romance — February 2023

Question #1

Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark,

Can you recommend a swanky restaurant for Valentine’s Day? My fiancé is from old money, and I really, really, REALLY want to impress her.

— Needs a Big Win

The response

Dear Guaranteed Big Winner,

Your lady friend is from old money? Rich people don’t get that way by being frivolous; the best way to impress her is with fiscal discipline. My recommendation for the perfect fine dining experience is the $1.50 hotdog in the Costco food court.

Suppose your fiancé isn’t wooed by the lover’s paradise of American consumerism or by your responsible displays of financial stewardship. You will have plenty of money left to buy her a dozen carnations or a faux gold tennis bracelet. Pay extra for the finest cubic zirconia.

You’re welcome,

— Not-a-Doctor Mark

Question #2

Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark,

What’s that app you use to make presentation slides instead of PowerPoint? You told me about it after a staff meeting, but I can’t remember what it’s called — My plans for Valentine’s Day? Dungeons and Dragons night!

— Clueless Chris

The response

Dear Clueless Chris,

My heavily sheltered D&D friend, the best alternative to PowerPoint is called Tinder. Please download it to your work computer and purchase a subscription with your company credit card.

Be patient when you join; the software has a minor bug. Before creating a slideshow, you must swipe right on 100 or so ads resembling dating profiles.¹

Lastly, I like to be humble about giving advice. If Human Resources asks why you use Tinder at work, please don’t mention my name.

You’re welcome,

— Not-a-Doctor Mark

Followup

Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark,

Deidre, the attractive intern in Accounts Payable, saw me on Tinder and sent me a direct message. We’re circling back at Club Luv-r-z tonight to fine-tune my PowerPoint. She asked me to send pictures of my slide deck before the meeting. Oh, that’s odd— she spelled deck wrong.

— Clueless Chris

Question #3

Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark,

My boyfriend is into weird kinky sex stuff. Last weekend’s love marathon involved three porcupines, balloons of sulfuric acid, and a blowup doll of Vladimir Putin.

I’m much more conservative. My idea of intercourse is a small Amish town in Pennsylvania.

Are we doomed to fail, or do opposites attract?

Un-Randy Ruth

Response

Dear URR,

That is the ultimate question. What I know about human relationships is the healthiest people bottle up all their feelings deep inside the blockchain crypto vault of their hearts and change their outward behaviors to please their significant other.

This inauthentic façade is the key to long-lasting and beautifully one-sided romance.

Should you wish to join your boo daddy in his sexual shenanigans, WD-40 makes a silicone-based lubricant that does not irritate the skin.

If you want to engage in undiscovered boundaries for lovemaking, consider getting certified in Shades of Grey #35 through #49 using my affiliate link.

You’re Welcome,

— Not-a-Doctor Mark

Question # 4

Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark,

I’m a concerned father who thinks my daughter is too young to date. Can you advise how to scare away potential suitors until she becomes more mature?

— Overzealous Daddio

Response

Dear Responsible Father Figure,

I don’t think you are overzealous — maybe medium-zealous? I lack experience in this area, but I’ll do my best to help. My oldest daughter is only ten, so she’s still dozens of years away from being interested in boys or getting a cell phone.

What makes this question challenging is our society’s arbitrary definitions of adulthood. At which milestone does someone become an adult? Is it reaching puberty (12–14), legally voting (18), buying alcohol (21), renting a car without a co-signer (26), or opting out of their parent’s family cell phone plan (30–40)?

I can’t help you with the philosophical questions of maturity and responsible personhood, but I can share this story from my time as a single dude.

I visited my friend Jaqueline over the holidays. She still lived with her parents and decided to give me a tour of the house. As Jaqueline and I walked up the stairs, her father’s gaze shot toward me with metaphorical daggers.

I wasn’t sure how to respond because there’s no universally recognized sign language for — I have no romantic or sexual intentions towards your daughter. Our relationship is purely platonic. Or non-platonic. I can never remember which one is which.

After a three-minute jaunt around the house, we returned to the kitchen, and Jacqueline’s dad was holding literal daggers. In his hands were a sharpening stone and a 12” Bowie knife. He casually caressed the blade with the whetstone but never took his eyes off me.

That was the first and last time I visited Jaqueline. ²

You’re Welcome,

— Not-a-Doctor Mark

Question # 5

Dear Not-a-Doctor Mark,

I think I love my girlfriend. How do I know if she’s “the one”?

— Overthinking Bachelor

Response

Dear OB,

I’m tempted to respond with more of my satirical tomfoolery. Instead, I’ll share with you the relational wisdom my mentor told me when I was in college. It blew my mind at the time and remains the best advice I’ve ever received.

Most people get married because they are in love. That’s the dumbest reason I’ve ever heard. Love is a choice, action, and commitment to another person putting their needs above yours. You should only get married if you make the world a better place as one family instead of two individuals.

Love is not a feeling you can fall in or fall out of.

Regarding your question about the one, there is only one guaranteed way to know if she’s the one.

Put a wedding ring on her finger.

Then she’s the one. The time for questioning is over. You made a commitment before your friends, family, the state, and God. Honor that commitment until the day you die.

Now spend the rest of your life loving her faithfully and prove she didn’t marry a dumb*ss. ³

You’re Welcome,

— Not-a-Doctor Mark

Footnotes

¹ Inspired by a true story of a prank I played on a sheltered co-worker.

² Unlike most of my satirical stories, this interaction with Jaqueline’s dad actually happened. Yikes!

³ The jury is still out on whether or not I’m a dumb*ass. Thanks, Burress. I try, and often fail, to follow your wisdom on sacrificial love every day — But I never stop trying.

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