Should You Try To Get Past Whether Your Kid Is Trans?
We love you! Except that one thing.
Welcome to Dear Cisters, the column that’s more like Dear Abby than the Savage Lovecast. I’m your host, transgender writer/editor/nerd Stephenie Magister.
Today’s question is taken from Ash — and also from all of us who tried like hell to be good enough for our family and got told we never would be.
Not unless we changed that one little thing.
QUESTION
Hi.
So well my name is Ash. My family knows I’m trans. I want to be clear that they love me and support me. I still live with them even though I’m over 18. It’s just well you’ll see.
I’m not really openly trans except in certain places and certain people. I want to be more open but it’s hard.
My family knows I am trans. But they don’t like it. Or accept it.
They say they’re behind me 100%, but every time they hear about anything that was hard for me, they say, “Well you know why it’s hard.” They tell me being trans is wrong and my life would be a lot easier if I’d just stop.
So I try to just kinda be invisible when I’m out in public. Or make sure no one sees or hears anything that’ll get back to my family. I don’t want to have another “trans talk” when I go home every day.
It’s not like they’re always mean. They just make jokes or call me my deadname or get me the wrong clothes for my birthday.
But I mean I feel so tired and exhausted. I don’t want to move out and lose contact with them. I know it would be easier but I just want them to like me for who I really am.
It’s not like I chose this. I didn’t choose to have trans experiences. I didn’t choose for my body to go the wrong direction. I didn’t choose for my family to tell me I remind them so much of the wrong gender that I may as well accept that I *AM* the wrong gender. I didn’t choose for this to feel so WRONG.
But whenever I complain about anything, they say well me just being here makes life so hard for them. Why shouldn’t it be hard for me, too?
I mean they say life would be easier for ME, but what they really mean is life would be easier for THEM. Life is so hard for THEM because I’m trans. Life is so hard for THEM because of something *I* didn’t get a choice in, either. Life is so hard for THEM simply because I exist.
Sincerely,
Ash
ANSWER
Hi Ash,
I want to give you a big hug. But since I’m still working on feeling safe when people touch me, let’s quietly nod in support of each other while I offer some kind words ❤
Let’s go over what you said together.
The first thing you said raises a big question.
Does your family love you even if they don’t accept you are trans?
My family knows I’m trans. I want to be clear that they love me and support me. I still live with them even though I’m over 18.
I appreciate you sharing this aspect of your relationship with your family. They love you. You feel loved. You yearn for intimacy with them. You perceive no malicious or harmful intent on their part. They genuinely care about you, and they want to see you thrive.
Their benevolence is sincere.
So let’s set aside whether your family loves you.
Does me feeling hurt mean my family WANTS to hurt me?
Let’s also set aside whether your family WANTS to hurt you.
There are two sides to our actions: INTENTIONS vs IMPACT
Because while your family may have GOOD INTENTIONS, the rest of your letter highlights the HARMFUL IMPACT of their behavior.
My family knows I am trans. But they don’t like it. Or accept it.
They say they’re behind me 100%, but every time they hear about anything that was hard for me, they say, “Well you know why it’s hard.” They tell me being trans is wrong and my life would be a lot easier if I’d just stop.
I want to stay away from condemning THE WAY IN WHICH THEY SUPPORT YOU as objectively right or wrong.
If you start arguing with them about that, you’ll be right back to questions of identity and good intentions.
They’ll start arguing whether they are good people, whether they care about you, whether they have good intentions at heart and it’s YOU who doesn’t understand, YOU who doesn’t accept THEM, YOU who has HATE in your heart.
It’s a losing argument before it even starts.
Don’t get lost in arguing whether they’re good people.
Don’t get lost in arguing whether they care about you.
Don’t get lost in arguing whether they have good intentions.
Regardless of their good intentions, listen to what YOU said about the impact of their behavior.
THE IMPACT OF THEIR BEHAVIOR
Here’s what you said.
So I try to just kinda be invisible when I’m out in public. Or make sure no one sees or hears anything that’ll get back to my family. I don’t want to have another “trans talk” when I go home every day.
The impact of their behavior is whether you’re at home or in public, you don’t feel safe being seen. You feel safe if you make others perceive you as though you’re not even there.
THE ABCS OF REJECTING YOUR OWN CHILD
It’s not like they’re always mean. They just make jokes or call me my deadname or get me the wrong clothes for my birthday.
I make a living as a storyteller. I write my own stuff sometimes, but mostly I help other people tell their stories. A few even won awards and hit best-seller lists!
And the thing I always come back to is that it doesn’t matter to a reader whether a book is OBJECTIVELY good if the experience of reading it fucking sucks.
So by the same token…
Does it matter whether your family’s behavior is right or wrong when it causes you such pain?
Listen to your own words.
It’s not like I chose this.
I didn’t choose to have trans experiences.
I didn’t choose for my body to go the wrong direction.
I didn’t choose for my family to tell me I remind them so much of the wrong gender that I may as well accept that I *AM* the wrong gender.
I didn’t choose for this to feel so WRONG.
Accept — even if just for this moment — that your feelings and experiences didn’t come into being the moment you noticed them. The moment you felt them. The moment you gave them a voice.
You already felt that pain. You already knew that every time they treat you like this, you’ll continue to feel pain.
So what do you do?
What’s the solution?
But whenever I complain about anything, they say well me just being here makes life so hard for them. Why shouldn’t it be hard for me, too?
I mean they say life would be easier for ME, but what they really mean is life would be easier for THEM. Life is so hard for THEM because I’m trans. Life is so hard for them because of something *I* didn’t get a choice in, either. Life is so hard for them simply because I exist — why shouldn’t it be hard for me, too?
This is an irreconcilable difference.
THEIR SOLUTION: for you to simply stop being trans
YOUR SOLUTION: for them to stop treating you in ways that contribute to your pain
MEET IN THE MIDDLE
Maybe you stay up until midnight arguing how both people can get a piece of what you want, because after all, you’re trying to meet in the middle.
And unfortunately, now you’re too exhausted to ever notice what was staring you in the face.
You both made a request.
But they are NOT the same kind of requests.
One of you said the other person made a mistake.
The other person said you ARE a mistake.
Honestly…wtf?
THE NEXT STEP IS ESSENTIAL
It’s hard to say exactly when it happens for any of us, but at some point, we begin the process of individuation.
We begin to manifest who we are separately from the people raising us.
We begin to form a separate identity.
It sucks. It hurts like hell. It essentially reshapes us from one form to the next.
We go in a caterpillar. We come out a butterfly.
Think of it as a Cocoon of Worthiness.
In healthy homes, the process of individuation is frustrating and painful enough.
We rebel against our parents and caretakers almost by instinct. Even when we rationally agree, we fight in order to cultivate who we are separately from them.
It’s okay. It’s part of the process. Try to fight that process and you’re just fighting yourself.
WHEN YOU CAN BE YOUR OWN WORST ABUSER
So part of your pain — the true trauma of being the Invisible Child — is that you’re now repressing your most powerful aspects. Holding them down deep inside.
When we do this, we’re worse than the people who raised us. We sacrifice our truth for a fantasy that we can control whether our family will ever change.
They still fantasize about changing you, too.
THE THINGS YOU DESERVE THAT THEY REFUSE TO GIVE
I won’t rush you through this. You say you’re over 18, but not by how much. And hey, I’m in my late thirties and am still figuring out how to live independently with a disability. You’ve got one up on me there.
What I’ve found, what you may be finding, is that in the early stages of this process, we continue to show up for the people who are emotionally unavailable to us.
That may mostly be your family, but it’s just as often friends. Lovers. Co-workers. Whatever the context, when you need them, they don’t show up for you. And as a consequence, your own emotional resources dwindle.
You find yourself on a precipice where your very existence might be at stake.
It’s in those moments of choosing not just life but how you will live that we begin to listen to our pain.
We acknowledge the depth of pain our family’s behavior causes us.
We let go of the fantasy of what we wanted life with them to be.
Even though it is difficult, we realize it is worth it. We find that we are resourceful and have a tremendous capacity for self care, because we are missing a vital source of unconditional acceptance most people never knew you could take for granted.
And yet?
WE CREATE WHAT THEY COULD NOT GIVE
We persist. We survive. We thrive.
We cultivate that sense of worthiness within ourselves.
We accept the people who do not show up for us the way in which we asked.
We finally begin to show up for ourselves ❤
FINAL THOUGHTS
In my view, it’s not okay to laugh at something just because you find something funny. What if it hurts the people who are the target of the joke? Worse than that…what if it’s just bad comedy?
Yeah. It’s just a joke. And sure, your family doesn’t mean any harm.
That doesn’t make it okay.
It’s not okay to let someone hurt you just because they don’t mean to hurt you.
Can you ask everyone to meet you in the middle? No, that wouldn’t be fair. But your own family? Your friends? Your platonic life mate?
Yes. You’re absolutely right to ask them to meet you in the middle.
And asking them to respect that you are trans isn’t even close to the middle. Given how much pain their behavior causes you, it’s a basic request for decency.
Just remember that when it comes to boundaries, they’re not what anyone else gives to you. They’re what you give to yourself.
Nothing you do can make your family accept you.
Sometimes, the only option you have is to accept whether they accept you.
Whether their behaviors harms or helps you.
Whether pursuing a relationship with them is as good as a fish trying to make friends with a hook.
You get to choose what boundaries are appropriate for the people who won’t show up for you. And if they won’t listen? There’s always this cheat sheet.
I hope this helps you and other queer people in a similar situation.
Best wishes,
Stephenie
The end
Hi, it’s Stephenie!
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