Summary

Stephenie Magister addresses a reader's concern about how to respond to laughter directed at a cisgender man in a dress, emphasizing the harm such humor can cause to transgender individuals and the importance of empathy and mindfulness in comedy.

Abstract

In the Dear Cisters column, Stephenie Magister, a transgender writer and editor, responds to a question from a reader (k819799amvrhtcom) who is troubled by her father's amusement at a man wearing a dress on television. The reader, an openly trans girl, feels that such jokes are hurtful and reinforce harmful stereotypes that can impede the exploration of gender identity. Magister provides a nuanced explanation, referencing a video by FD Signifier, which criticizes comedians like Dave Chappelle for making surface-level jokes about trans people. She argues that laughter at the expense of someone's existence is not only offensive to the group targeted but also represents poor comedic quality. While acknowledging that one cannot control initial emotional reactions, Magister emphasizes the importance of choosing how to respond to those reactions, advocating for mindfulness and empathy over indulging in harmful humor. She encourages the reader to appeal to her family's empathy and, if necessary, to point out the laziness of such comedy.

Opinions

Laughter at a man in a dress, especially in the context of transgender issues, is problematic and can be seen as transphobic, even when the individual is not transgender.
The notion that men shouldn't wear dresses can stifle trans people's exploration of their gender and contribute to a negative perception of transness.
Comedy that relies on the mere existence of trans people or queer individuals as the punchline is considered offensive and indicative of poor comedic skill.
It is important to differentiate between feeling an impulse to laugh and acting on that impulse; mindfulness and empathy should guide one's response to such feelings.
The argument that it's acceptable to laugh at such scenarios because trans people are a minority is flawed and dismissive of the feelings and experiences of marginalized groups.
Family members who are uneducated about transgender issues can learn and change their perspectives through open communication and education.
The reader is encouraged to address the issue with her family not by dictating what they should find funny but by encouraging them to be more thoughtful and empathetic in their humor.

Is It Okay To Laugh At A Cisgender Man In A Dress?

Graphic by Stephenie, elements from photos by Lidya Nada on Unsplash

Welcome to Dear Cisters, the column that’s more like Dear Abby than the Savage Lovecast. I’m your host Stephenie Magister, transgender writer/nerd/editor for award-winning and best-selling books.

Today’s question is taken from k819799amvrhtcom at /r/asktransgender:

Question

How do you respond to "If you were cis, you would also laugh at the idea of a man dressed as a woman!"? (Reddit)

Hello.

My name is k819799amvrhtcom and I am an openly trans girl. I spend my time primarily on transgender-related subreddits in order to learn more about trans issues and how to respond to various transphobic arguments. But today, I heard an argument that I had never heard before and that I don't know how to respond to.

So, anyway, today, my father turned on the TV and there was a scene featuring a man wearing a pink ballerina dress. I don't know why he wore the dress but I do know that he had to wear it for some reason and that he was embarrassed about it because this is something that women wear. The others tried to be supportive but could not refrain from laughing at him even though they had promised not to. And my father laughed about their inability to restrain themselves and asked me, his openly transgender daughter: "Wasn't that funny?"

I did not laugh. The whole ordeal reminded me of the time when I'd still been an egg. Jokes like this are the reason why I had spent so much time being too ashamed of exploring my gender. More on that here. Not only that, but I am pretty sure that if my perception of normality hadn't been coined by these jokes, I might have cracked sooner, which would have increased my chances of passing, left me with fewer documents to change my name of, and perhaps even improved my childhood.

I responded to him by showing him this comic on my phone and explicitly telling him that both the scene and his reaction to it made me uncomfortable. He said: "That's different. They were clearly not being transphobic because he's not trans. OK, I can understand how the notion that men shouldn't wear dresses can stifle trans people's exploration of their gender but come on: Trans people are rare!" - "Are you saying that it is OK to ignore the feelings of a group of people if they are a minority?" - "Let me put it this way: If you were cis, you would have laughed at this too!" This made me speechless because I didn't know how to respond to that.

Please understand that my family is not purposely transphobic. They love me and they support my transness and I love them too. They are just very, very uneducated about the subject. But they can change and they will listen to me and they already have on many occasions.

Thank you for your time.

Answer

Hi KAMCOM,

I highly recommend this video from FD Signifier on why these kinds of jokes fucking suck. Then you can explain to your dad why this puts them in the same heralded ranks as recently declared TERF Warrior and occasional standup comedian Dave Chappelle.

Where your dad is wrong

FD Signifier explains why Chappelle's jokes about trans people quickly turn bad even if they weren't offensive. Why? Because they are empty. They are surface level.

FD's main (and excellent) point is that acknowledging the mere existence of trans people is not in itself a joke. That's not appropriate humor. That's offensive.

I don't mean offensive to trans people. I mean offensive to comedians. It's bad comedy. Pointing at a person's mere existence and laughing is as bad as Chappelle's early comedy about gay people, which was sometimes limited to simply pointing out that gay people existed (to unfortunately uproarious laughter).

Where your dad is right

Now here is where your dad is right, but at the same time why that just shows how bad his hand is even more clearly. To pull another quote from FD, he is attempting to hide his hand, but you have better poker eyes than Phil Ivey.

You can't help it if your experience of a person or situation evokes a visceral reaction of laughter in you. We don't have control over our emotional experiences like that. For the most part, we feel and experience things first — then do our best to explain and justify and choose how to respond to what we experienced.

But just like the fact that a queer person existing isn't in itself worthy humor, neither is laughing just because you feel like laughing. You may feel like laughing at something that's fucking terrible and offensive. Acknowledging and negotiating feelings and impulses like that is a vital component of waking up each day to practice mindfulness, to be an actor rather than a reactor, to be more than a person that treats your every impulse as a decision.

Final thoughts

You're not asking your family not to find this kind of example of a queer person funny. They can't control that. But they absolutely can choose NOT to express their personal experience as a harmful joke.

And again, I hope you can get through to them by appealing to their empathy for you, other trans people, and anyone who is queer.

But if that doesn't work, just remind them that no one likes a lazy comedian :)

I hope this helps you and other queer people in a similar situation.

Best wishes,

Stephenie

In celebration of all who are in the Gender Funky Family

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