Day 5: Depression And Dependency Pain
Running into your X and her date.
Update, May 8, 2022: It’s come to my unfortunate attention that my X has many narcissistic traits. I encourage anyone that is going through a weird and painful relationship to please research narcissism.
No one told me about this and I was clueless. 4 years later I know about narcissism but am paying the very painful price for having dated one. Below are some links for you to learn from. Very helpful and informative.
Narcissist Questions/Answers. / Narcissist Video Help
Last night I went back to the bar that I drove around a few nights ago.
The reason my girl broke up with me.
I went in to see if I was ok to still go there, which turned out, I was.
I sang a karaoke song and had a beer.
Then my X came in with another guy and didn’t bother to flinch when seeing me.
I went up and asked to talk as she had been denying me for days.
She said, ‘oh no you can text me.’
I was very hurt!
Sat down and watched her smile and talk and touch her date.
I experienced feelings that I’ve not really had before.
And didn’t want again!
But, I was cool and tried to understand how a girl who said and acted as she loved me to death for over 3 years, could act as though she didn’t know me.
It was torturous.
I went home shaking my head and feeling terrible pain and incredible needs for revenge.
I was very hurt!
I struggled to come to grips with such deep and surreal and complex emotions.
I prayed it got better, but had no evidence that it would.
Didn’t sleep good and took a minute for me to remember that she was with her date all last night and perhaps slept over.
I don’t know if they had sex?
I just don’t know how to handle this.
I love her so much, though she has problems.
I am addicted to her, to her sex, to her energy!
I want her so badly and I hate her so much!
It’s only a day after the break so what can I expect? But, I want it gone!
What is good for me?
I hear people saying that and now I am saying it and I can feel it a little bit.
Feels good!
I’m also going to do more meditating to try to clear things in my head.
Attachment Addiction
What doesn’t feel good is what I call ‘attachment addiction.’
Pain from being broken from your partner and not getting the love you are used to.
It hurts and I know you all know that.
I tell myself I will have to feel the pain and pray it diminishes day by day.