Childhood Traumas — The Absence of a Father Figure

The impact of lacking a present and available father or father figure.

I wasn’t aware, until recently, of the effect of not having a secure and steady father figure. And I’m 100% sure there are plenty of girlies out there like me, so I’m writing this for you.

Working with my counselor, I’ve learned what a father figure is supposed to do for a woman. He’s there to provide, protect, and give identity.

There are consequences for each of these mentally, but I believe the most impactful one is identity.

I didn’t know who I was, how to feel about myself, and how to love myself because I did not have a father or fatherly figure that showed me how.

As a teenager, I had a disengaged stepfather that didn’t want much to do with raising me.

It’s painful admitting it, but it’s a truth I must recognize to begin healing. Many of us need to take this step.

My biological father, unfortunately, passed away when I was a child. Before his passing, he and my mother were divorced, so I only have a handful of memories with him.

Not a day goes by where I don’t think about how my life would have turned out, who I would have turned out to be if he was still here.

Growing up, I felt I was missing so much. I finally know why.

Fortunately, growing up with a Christian mother, I learned to have faith, and I do have a Father that loves me unconditionally.

Many of you may not relate to this belief, but I’m sure some of you do.

Faith has been a huge contributor to my healing. Praying, asking God for answers, comfort, understanding, and acceptance.

He’s given me hindsight to see these very painful moments had a purpose in helping me grow into the person he intended me to be.

Even the process I’m going through now, of learning my worth and believing it beyond a shadow of a doubt, it’s not just for my well-being.

It’s to help those who are where I have been and show them a way to make it out of the maze they are stuck in.

To start making your way out of the maze, you need to recognize how you got lost in the first place.

Not having a present father figure or having a disengaged or abusive one is going to create a distorted belief of worth and identity.

I grew up believing that my worth was based on my performance. How good my grades were, how good I was at the sport I played, and how well I behaved.

I learned how to treat myself by watching how my mother treated herself. Hint — it wasn’t very nice.

The development of my identity was a messy one.

I learned who to be by how people treated me. It led to me becoming a people pleaser.

It led to me being agreeable and not knowing what I stood for or how to stand up for myself.

It led to the inability to set boundaries. The inability to look in the mirror and see a worthy child. A loved child.

Over time, this made me a very confused and lost young adult.

I did not feel like myself until a few years ago, in my early twenties.

I’m sure many of you relate to this feeling of not feeling complete, like a farce, pretending to be someone else because your family, friends, and the world say this is the kind of person you need to be to belong.

Something I learned in this journey is you only belong when you believe you belong.

At this moment in my life, I’m the most distant I’ve been from family and friends. Yet I feel I finally started living a life that’s authentic to my values and beliefs.

I created a place for myself where I know I belong. It doesn’t negate the pain of having felt you don’t belong in the past, but it does fill you with peace. You’ve found your safe haven.

I’ve also learned that God only calls a few to change the world and have an impact.

But that’s for another blog. Back to my main point —

Not having a present, emotionally available, and loving father figure will create a mess of your identity.

Some examples of what this will look like — we can think of that friend, or even ourselves, constantly seeking the attention of men. Trying to get their validation.

If they find us attractive and worth their time, that must mean we are worth something, right?

I lived with this thought pattern for years, and I’m very thankful for the resources God put in place for me to change it (mentoring, counseling, books, etc.)

The feeling of acceptance we feel when we get those few minutes of attention is temporary.

As soon as we grow bored with the person or said person leaves, that comforting feeling also leaves.

We hop on this rollercoaster of attention seeking — we create a dangerous habit of needing attention to feel worthy.

We take rejection as a personal attack. We lack boundaries and self-respect. We lack self-love.

I will go deeper into the different areas of my life that were affected by not having an emotionally available and loving father figure. For now, I’ll leave you with this.

Tell me, how has lacking a present and emotionally available parent in your life affected you?