Self-Help Only Works When You Seek Help

We don’t know all the answers, especially when dealing with difficult situations, we haven’t faced before.

I have an avoidance problem. There I said it.

Because I grew up believing I had no one to rely on, I became hyper-independent.

Being independent has its advantages. You get out there and figure things out regardless of how you feel.

You may think you’re inadequate or don’t have enough knowledge. These things don’t matter when you don’t give yourself an out. You either do or do it.

Hyper-independence, however, is a form of self-sabotage. Those who believe you should do it all yourself will hate me for saying this.

Let me explain why this is true.

Hyper-Independence is a coping mechanism.

I have seen a counselor consistently for the past three years, and boy, has she opened my eyes.

As I mentioned, I grew up believing I had no one to rely on. This led to the development of independence at a very early age.

I faced the problem of not trusting anyone except my friends. This wasn’t helpful for my emotional development because they were children, just like me.

When I encountered an issue, whether about fights with friends, insecurities, or trouble with classes, I did not confide in a responsible adult who probably knew what to say.

Instead, I kept my struggles to myself and/or spoke to friends who didn’t have sound advice. I also developed other coping mechanisms to deal with everyday life.

By not believing I could ask for help, I remained under challenging circumstances much longer than I needed to.

By not reaching out, I carried all the weight and stress of a tough situation alone.

No one knew I was having a hard time because I became very good at pretending otherwise.

Get to know yourself and your shortcomings.

I read the book Attached, written by Amir Levine, M.D., and Rachel S.F. Heller, M.A.

It references studies and anecdotal evidence that supports the findings of the three attachment styles. These are secure, anxious, and avoidant.

I learned I have an avoidant attachment style, with some anxious sprinkled on (how wonderful).

Because of my household dynamics, I grew up believing I needed to avoid conflict with people at all costs.

Thanks to my counselor, who recommended this book, I learned I need to work on not avoiding having difficult conversations.

I need to develop the skill of conflict resolution. Otherwise, I will continue to isolate myself from others and try everything to avoid crucial conversations.

Seeking counseling was perhaps the most significant life-altering decision I made, and I am very grateful for it.

Without the help of my counselor, I wouldn’t have been able to identify these shortcomings.

Finding the habits that no longer serve me, where these habits came from (childhood experiences), and working to change them has radically improved my life.

I highly recommend getting help from a counselor regardless if you think you have your life figured out. A counselor could bring insights that you have not thought about or explored.

Find someone to talk to about your challenges, even if it scares you.

One of my biggest challenges is making assumptions.

Thankfully, I am addressing this head-on with the help of my counselor, my partner, and my mom, among other family members and friends who are on the path of self-development.

During my teenage years and early adulthood, I did not ask people questions to get clarification. Instead, I made assumptions and answered those questions on their behalf.

That is the complete opposite of a healthy and mature emotional state.

As a child, I became so attuned to anticipating other people’s emotional responses that I figured, why ask for anything? I won’t get what I want, so I won’t try.

Do we all see how this can lead to a bad place? Yeah, I see that now. Hopefully, you do too.

Talking and expressing your emotions helps you overcome the fear of being honest and communicating.

When I started being more vocal, I learned how most people are willing to help.

On the flip side, I also learned who in my life was unwilling to help. This showed me who I needed to establish boundaries with.

You do not want to take advice from someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart. Unfortunately, sometimes those people happen to be close to you.

Talking things out will help clarify what to do next, regardless of the outcome.

Knowing how to help yourself by finding resources, whether through a counselor, a family member, a friend, or a book, enables you to make conscious decisions to better yourself and your circumstances.

Developing this habit will carry you through any and all difficult times.

This may seem elementary to some people. An example I can give you is my partner. He has a hard time understanding why I don’t ask for help.

If you have someone in your life that behaves this way, it’s important to know that some of us grew up under the impression that asking for help was a sign of weakness.

We were conditioned to think ‘no one is safe,’ ‘no one will hear us,’ and ‘no one cares.’

It’s okay to ask. It’s okay not to have it all together and admit it. It’s okay to struggle.

The important thing is that you do not stop trying to improve yourself and your life.