WRITING

Character Reflections-Bex

Learning about life through my characters

• TW: Talk of characters as personas that may be triggering to some with DID.
• CATCH-UP: Read the introduction to my Character Reflections series.

Okay, let’s start with rolling a D20… 9. Oh no!

Meet Bex

I can’t say I’m surprised, again. Bex has been on my mind a lot of late. Still, I’m sure I wouldn’t have been ready for this exploration had the die not spoken. But alas, I cannot deny the power of the D20.

Bex is another vampire but very different from Anastasia who I explored in my last Character Reflection. I have a thing with vampires. Oh, great article title — let me add that to my drafts!

Bex is the protagonist in Blood of the Covenant. The story is told from a first-person POV. Bex’s thoughts and confusions are openly on display as they wake with no memory of anything, even their own name, but with a thirst they cannot quench.

Originally published under a different title and a different pen name almost ten years ago, I’m currently reworking the story as some interesting new insights have come to light. This is why I’m not surprised Bex decided to step forward and demand my attention this week.

What have I learned about myself through Bex?

Lesson 1: Trust yourself to know yourself

Bex’s primary lesson was to allow themself to be themself rather than creating themself based on who others said they were. Let me share a little background on the premise of the Blood of the Covenant story. Bex wakes with no memory of anything, not even their own name. Three people slowly introduce themselves to Bex — people who claim to know them. Throughout the story, the three (Zach, Abbey, and Benny) teach Bex, like a child, how to exist and in doing so, try to teach Bex about the person they once were.

Bex’s lesson is to stop listening to the noise. Stop trying to be the person everyone is telling them they should be and to trust themself. Bex has to trust that they know their own feelings, intuition, and desires more than anyone else.

All these years later and Bex is still teaching me. In fact, in writing this, they taught me something very important because I threw away their ‘human’ name and took on Bex (previously only a nickname). I literally changed the name in this post and, changed the name in the next chapter of Blood of the Covenant which will be released on Prism & Pen.

Lesson 2: The past doesn’t need to be remembered

Ouch! Well, there’s a new learning. Part of Bex’s journey is learning to let go of trying to find memories and trying to know who they were ‘before’. None of it matters. This lesson is a huge one for me as I’ve spent a lot of time trying to deconstruct the past and find evidence for things that are coming up now. There is some credit to be found in that journey but only if the journey is taken lightly. I didn’t take it lightly. Not before. I was trying too hard to make things fit. To find memories that explained who I am.

But like Bex, searching for the past is fruitless when it’s all hidden behind a haze or straight out blocked from knowledge. It’s not a bad thing. It can be a protection. Perhaps I’m not ready or perhaps, those memories serve no purpose. I feel Bex has much more for me to learn as we re-travel this path together.

Lesson 3: Family is who you choose it to be

This is an underlying theme that I never even noticed myself until the reworking. Bex’s family is chosen. She chose them before her ‘transition’. Yes, there are a lot of themes in this book I didn’t recognize when it was first written. It’s like the Wachowski’s interwoven but not yet fully realized themes in The Matrix. Wait, did I just liken Blood of the Covenant to the Matrix? Well damn… I ain’t taking that back!

When Bex awakens for seemingly the first time into a new life (the only one they know), Zach, Abbey, and Benny are there. Always there. And when Bex needs space, they give it to them (well, mostly — Zach is a little overprotective for reasons). This is their family. They give Bex safety, and care, and most importantly, unconditional love. Once Bex realizes this, they are able to free themselves to embrace all of their inner power and truth.

This lesson was created for me by my character in the writing of the first draft 13 years before I was able to see it. It was only in my own separation from the toxicity of forced family that I was able to feel safety, care, unconditional love, and to feel free enough to find my inner power and truth. I have a chosen family and they choose me right back every day.

What Does it all Mean?

Bex’s lessons for me are pretty damn straight (oh, the irony) forward. I can see why I need each of them and how they have been playing out since I began writing this book 13 years ago. I surely did not expect to be revisiting this book so many years later, reworking it through the queer lense I didn’t even realize was already there, and learning so many lessons my subconscious has been desperately trying to get me to see. I wasn’t ready back then but I am now.

Reflecting on Personal Growth

This is how I learn about myself. This is how I manage my experiences and find those hidden parts of me that all come together to create my ultimate upgrade. It works for me and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I wonder about others. I feel like everyone has their own way of learning and growing and I suppose it makes sense that it would be through their own passion and that could be anything for anyone. I can speak on my own experience and reflections, but I’m not here to gatekeep anyone else’s experience. Do you relate?

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