Fake News

Cancel Culture Targets Toddlers

Understanding the impact of the Johnson-Underwood Daycare Grievance Edict

— This historic piece of legislation makes formerly sealed daycare records public information.

Representative Brazelton B. Snodgrass, (D) Nevada, speaks out for the first time since the passage of the Johnson-Underwood Daycare Grievance Edict. Here is the transcript of his speech:

[Rep. Snodgrass] Today is a celebration as we, the progressive elite, re-write the future by remembering insignificant moments from the past.

We’ve lobbied for congress to adopt the JUDGE Act since 1986 when a four-year-old Desmond Jibrini stole my Go-Gurt at St. Benedict’s Day Care. How dare Desmond, now 40 years old, continue his lavishly excessive life as a shift supervisor at Blartski’s Quik Oil Change with that character stain on his record? He and everyone like him must be canceled.

Rep. Snodgrass recalls the origins of Cancel Culture

Unfortunately, when we started canceling people, we could only call someone out for overt insensitive behavior in the past few months.

Then in 2010, our intern showed us Facebook. What a gold mine!

We realized we could judge the past behavior of people we’ve never met by the evolving moral standard of the future.

What a huge blessing. Their mistakes, frozen in time for easy picking.

The new era

Honestly, the first time we announced that you shouldn’t vote for a candidate because twenty-two years ago, they used a plastic straw, we thought we would be laughed at or ignored.

Au-contraire. People agreed with us. And down went that straw-wielding eco-terrorist faster than you can prepare a Vegan nut roast.

We were genuinely surprised by how little information it took to convince the world that someone was terrible. And we were equally surprised by how easy it was to convince the masses that the same amoral troglodyte must remain evil, never capable of growth or maturation.

As the movement grew, we hungered for more

Hamstrung by our limited ability to gather information, we could only cancel adults.

Then more teenagers got iPhones and TikTok, and our ability to cancel the younger generations magnified. However, privacy laws limited this practice to children 13+.

This brings us to today’s announcement

The Johnson-Underwood Daycare Grievance Edict allows our cause to use these formerly sealed daycare records to cancel anyone as young as two.

Toddlers are some of the vilest, most insensitive, misogynistic creatures on the planet. The JUDGE Act now lets us pre-cancel them before reaching adulthood.

Our first successful interventions

Three-year-old Francisco P. has a vocabulary of 100 words. Fifty-one of those words are not the complete list of gender-neutral pronouns.

CANCELED

Neveah G., an ironically named two-year-old, bit her classmate Mason F. in the arm when he took her toy xylophone.

CANCELED; Felony Assault charges pending

Luis C., a two-year-old boy, urinated on a tree in the playground, exposing his genitals as he went potty.

CANCELED

Mason J., a three-year-old and career criminal, is responsible for stealing fourteen toys. His sticky fingers and lack of boundaries earned him the nickname, “MASON! Give me that back!” by the daycare staff.

CANCELED; Cell reserved at Riker’s Island for his 10th birthday.

An unnamed four-year-old girl refuses to go to bed. She repeatedly shouts, “Who let the dogs out?”

CANCELED

The worst is three-year-old Aisha B., whose microaggressive crimes will forever haunt the hallowed halls of St. Benedicts. Aisha ate white paste and drew on her face with finger paints. One of the finger paints was black.

CANCELED

We need your help

Now that the JUDGE Act is the law of the land, it is your moral obligation to right these grievous childhood wrongs by destroying the offending adults.

Hey, what’s going on?

[The speech is interrupted by a menacing figure walking through the crowd. He drains of color seeing the former principal of St. Benedict’s, holding a worn piece of paper. Sister Martha Avalon reveals the Time-Out chart from 1986 with an unhappy-face sticker next to the name B. Snodgrass.]

Thirty-six years ago, Representative Brazelton B. Snodgrass failed to sit in the Time-Out chair for the full two minutes.

CANCELED; By his own legislation.

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