Go to bed
Actual Transcript of My Toddler vs. Bedtime
Daaaaaaaaad, I Have To Tell You a Story
In my daughter’s room, the stalemate between a four-year-old night owl and me continues into the second hour.¹
Go to bed.
Daddy, let me tell you something.
Frosty the Snowman was a unicorn, and he hit them in the face. Then he was running, running, running, and a little baby. And a rainbow comes up, and they all cracked up.
You know what Ellie did? Ellie threw up in the trees. And I put up my shirt behind the dragons.
Go to bed.
Daddy, you need to clap for me.
[singing]
Who let the dogs out?
Who let the dogs out?
Who let the dogs out?
Who let the dogs out?
Who let the dogs out?
Who let the dogs out?
Daddy clap for me!
Go to bed.
Daddy, let me tell you something.
Daaaaaaaaaaad, I have to tell you a story about Jesus. Jesus was in the water and got eaten by a big fish. It went down and down and down. Then the fish climbed up and up and up.
Go to bed.
Dad. You want to read a story?
Then Jesus’s baby is coming soon. And Jesus needs a new pull-up because he went potty. And the fish had a big, big, big, big mouth.
Go to bed.
Daddy! You have to listen.
Daddy, if you want to eat chocolate, you have to listen to the story.
[singing]
Who let the dogs out? (x 8)
Then the penguins play with the Snowman. Wish oh oh.
That’s what you wanted?
Go to bed.
Daddy, I read you another story.
Do these doors open?
[singing]
Who let the dogs out? (x 5)
[Bird noises]
Go to bed.
Daddy, I give you a secret.
Ok, let me show you.
Daisy and Donald Duck walk into the couch.
Daddy clap. Claaaaaaaaaaaaap!
Go to bed.
I have a boo-boo.
Daddy, will you get me a band-aid?
I have a boo-boo. Daddy, I want a band-aid.
Mommy gave me two band-aids for my boo-boo. Right here and right here. I want a dinosaur.
Here is a band-aid.
Thank you, Daddy. Give me a hug.
I want a hug. Daddy, I love you.
[hugs]
I love you too.
Paw Patrol! Skye and Chase and Skye and Rubble. And Skye. And Chase. Where’s the book with the dogs? Do you know the pup with the red helmet? His name is Marshall.
I’m in my bed, in my bed, in my bed. Daddy give me some milk.
Daddy? Daddy. Daddy? You give me more milk?
Go to bed.
Daddy, my bottom hurts. I need to go potty.
Let’s go potty.
[on the potty, singing]
Yes, Jesus loves me. (x 7)
For the llama tells me I’m strong. I’m stroooooooooooooooong!
That’s not how you say it.
Go to bed.
[back in bed]
Daddy sing for me?
Let it go. Let it go. Daddy, turn your phone upside down. Like a square.
I never saw a fish swallow donuts. That’s so crazy.
Daddy, I want more milk.
[Daddy leaves the room and returns with milk]
Go to
[zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz] ²
Footnotes
¹ Only three days are left before my wife returns from her business trip. She is the superior parent, and my appreciation for her grows every night she’s away.
² Yes, this conversation between my youngest daughter and me happened. She’s a stubborn girl, and irritatingly precious.
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