Broken Ties and Family Estrangement
Finding peace when the people you love don’t love you back.
by: E.B. Johnson
Our families form an important core in our lives. They are the first foundation on which we build our understanding of self, and they form the baselines from which we come to view relationships and connection. That doesn’t mean that these relationships always form as they should — or at all. Sometimes, despite what we crave most in this life, we end up estranged from our families and struggling with complex consequences of an existence lived cut off from the people who should love them most.
What happens when you become estranged from family.
Family estrangement is more common than we think, and its effects are far-ranging and complex. When your family cuts you off, you can wind up resentful, hurt, and isolated from the people and experiences you crave. It can create feelings of hopelessness and even generate so much stress that your physical body carries the toll. Is your life being impacted by a family who can’t be what you want them to be? Don’t play down the hurt in your life.
Deep-rooted resentment
Resentment comes standard in family estrangement. These broken ties hurt in places you didn’t realize it could hurt. When you see other families going the distance to love one another, you look back at the people who hurt you in anger. You may question their intention and your own ability to be happy. It’s irritating to think that fixing things could be so simple — but they choose a path of pain instead.
Social isolation
There is, perhaps, no greater isolation that the isolation that comes with being cut off from your family. Holidays, birthdays, and big events can become hurtful chores. You find yourself alone in the times that you want someone most. But that isolated peace is often greater than the hurt that comes with the toxic community of your family. Unfortunately, not everyone sees it that way. People pick sides when relationships break up, and that includes the breakdown of family relationships, too.
Creating hopelessness
Hopelessness and depression are a normal part of the estrangement fallout. Hurt and struggling to make sense of it all, you can find yourself thrown into the depths of depression and anxiety. This darkness cannot be ignored, or it will intensify. The only way out of it is through it, and that can require the intervention of mental health and medical professionals to get us through.
High-priced peace
The peace of walking away from a toxic family comes at a high price. There are many who will tell you it’s wrong. They will judge you and the choices that you make. Walking away from family can cause a loss of more than just your core family. You can lose friendships and opportunities too. You may have to leave your hometown; you may have to start over somewhere new. There’s an enormous cost in cutting ties, and it’s more than just emotional.
Plummeting self-esteem
What’s your self-esteem like? If you’ve been cut off and estranged by family, then it probably isn’t great. Our family is supposed to love us. They are supposed to be failsafe that we can always run back to. But that’s not the type of family that many of us have. Instead, we find our families to be a source of contention, negativity, and insecurity. That gets worse when they choose to abandon you. You can ask things like, “What’s wrong with me?”
Explosive conflict (and expulsion)
Conflict and explosive emotion come standard with family estrangement. It’s not always as smooth as cutting the ties and walking away. There’s a lot of back and forth and hurt feelings that have to come out. You may lash out at your family, and they may lash out at you in turn. The worse this conflict gets, the worse the effects become on your mental and emotional wellbeing.
Knee-jerk life building
Those who are subjected to family estrangement often experience a knee-jerk desire to build a family of their own (as quickly as possible). Instead of seeking to do that with chosen family and friends, they often rush into bed with partners who can help them create children. This is usually done before the pain of estrangement and upbringing is fully worked through. And that comes with a host of serious lifetime consequences for the children involved.
Physical deterioration
The stress of family estrangement is no small thing. It’s hard to handle the emotional pain and mental turmoil of being cut off by the people who should love you most. As with all stress, this can come at a physical cost. Your physical health can deteriorate. The stress of dealing with estrangement can actually cause diet and weight issues, lowered immune function, and a range of other stress-related aches, pains, and injuries.
How to handle and recover from family estrangement.
Being estranged from your family is a pain like no other. It hurts in ways you never imagined and creates beliefs and emotional wounds that are hard to heal. All the same, you can find peace again by leaning into reality and fostering a healthy sense of acceptance. From there, it becomes possible to stop looking for the change. You can find a chosen family and a better way to live and connect, moving forward.
1. Lean into the reality of the relationship
There’s no moving forward until you learn to recognize the reality of the relationship you have with your family. They don’t want you around. And even if they do, you know that existing with them is something too toxic to be borne on your shoulders. No one should have to live in that kind of pain. And you don’t. To get to that place of peace, though, you have to take off your rose-tinted glasses and see these relationships as they really are.
Lean into reality and see things as they are. Has your family stopped inviting you to family holidays? Have they cut you off mentally and emotionally? Do they work hard to alienate you from those who toe the line and behave as expected?
Take off your rose-tinted glasses and see your family (and your relationship with them) for how it really is. See the pain it’s causing you. Acknowledge the chaos and the confusion. This is not the same as accepting who your family is. That comes next. Right now, you must give yourself a chance to see your situation for what it truly is. Think of it as the starting place that will free you. Rip off the bandaid and acknowledge the truth so that you can begin the process of healing and recovering.
2. Dig deep to find a sense of acceptance
Dig deep into the heart of who you are and tap into an abiding sense of acceptance. Your parents are who they are. They can’t be anything different. Accepting your family’s situation for what it truly is will enable you to move forward more effectively. Until you accept them, you can’t take action to improve your place within the estrangement.
Know that accepting them takes nothing away from you. It doesn’t change the happy memories that you have, or the hope that you’ve put into them. All of that still matters, and it still counts. But it doesn’t change the reality you find yourself in. Your family is not going to change because you ask them to. They won’t turn back the hands of time or change who they are as people. You need to accept them. And you need to accept yourself, too. You don’t have to change yourself to be loved.
3. Stop expecting what doesn’t really exist
If your heart keeps breaking over-and-over again, then it’s a pretty good sign you’re still expecting something that is never going to happen. You probably watch the mail on Christmas and wait for the phone to ring on your birthday. It’s not going to happen. At some point, you have to stop breaking your own heart. And the best way to do that is by realizing that it’s never going to change. Stop expecting something that never existed at all.
Stop expecting your family to become something that they aren’t. That picture of love never existed. That connectedness and safety were never yours to claim. Expecting anything different is to step yourself up for disappointment. It takes 2 people to repair a relationship. You can’t fix what they’re not willing to work on.
You’re selling yourself short by waiting for them to change. You’re putting yourself in a trap and taking up space in your emotional life, where better people could take up residence. Looking at that horizon will bring you nothing but more pain. They’re not going to apologize. They’re not going to change. There’s nothing you can do to make them someone else. So stop pretending it will ever be different. Give yourself a chance by standing in reality and expecting that you can change minds that are turned against you.
4. Don’t give them a chance to weaponize it
Don’t allow this estrangement to become a weapon your family can use against you. Don’t lean into gossip and malicious behavior; don’t give them a chance to weaponize the estrangement as something that’s your fault. Live above it in such a way that everyone who witnesses your life knows who is really to blame.
Become the best version of yourself you can possibly be. Pursue your dreams and your interests. Surround yourself with opportunities that fill you up, and people that lift you up, too. Create a life for yourself that is aligned and purposeful. Find your meaning. There is happiness in the little moments and the simple things, and when you find those things, it becomes easier to overcome the waves of grief that can come with estrangement. Find the bright side and lean into it. Don’t allow anyone that’s hurt you the chance to use the pain against you.
5. Celebrate the value of a chosen family
Chosen family can be the difference between life and death when it comes to family estrangement. That’s right. Our families aren’t simply the people who we happen to be born to in this life. They are the people who choose to stand beside you, and the people who you choose to stand beside. Think of your partner, your spouse. Do you consider them to be less-family to you because they aren’t bound to you by childhood or blood? No. Family is a choice we can make at any point.
Build a chosen family for yourself and celebrate the value that they can add to your life. There is so much power in being surrounded by people who believe in who we are and what we have to offer; people who choose to be with us, not because society expects them, too.
Invest in those people who choose to see the best in you. These are the people who lift you up and champion your successes and your dreams. They are the people who want good things for you as much as they want them for themselves. Do you have these people in your life? Instead of chasing those who don’t want to be a part of your life, make the choice to pursue those who are happy to love you. They exist, and when you find them they offer so much more to your happiness than the people who fail you again and again.
Putting it all together…
Have you been cut off or estranged from your family? This is a unique pain, which is all too common in the modern family unit. We are learning more about ourselves and the ties we hold with other people. We’re leaning, too, that we don’t have to settle for the upset and the behaviors that we once did. Family can be chosen better than it can be born, and that’s a path we can learn to willingly walk with gratitude and grace.
Accept your situation for what it is and acknowledge the pain it’s cause you. See your family for who they truly are and take off those rose-tinted glasses once and for all. This takes nothing from you or the happy memories you may share in some deep place. Stop expecting them to become something they never were and be realist. Embrace a chosen family for yourself, and don’t give them the opportunity to weaponize it against you. Live a life that is above reproach and do one of those things which align with your highest nature. Peace will return and your future will fill with the love that you need.