Seeing your dysfunctional family for what it is

Is your family toxic or dysfunctional? These are some of the signs you may be overlooking.

Is your family dysfunctional or toxic? It’s not always easy to spot the signs. And it’s even harder to accept them when we do. Acceptance is a pivotal part of moving forward, however. Until we accept who our family is and how they are affecting us, we will continue to struggle in upset and frustration. Once you peel apart the layers and see the dysfunction for what it really is, you can take steps to protect yourself and the happy future that you want to build.

Signs your family is dysfunctional.

Although a lot of toxic behaviors have been normalized within the family unit, they are actually destructive and alienating. The dysfunctional family is marked by a total lack of boundaries, endless conflict, and unstable or unreliable affection. Mental, emotional, and physical abuse also makes an appearance in the dysfunctional family. Ignoring these signs won’t make them go away. The only way to confront them is honestly and openly.

Total lack of boundaries

The dysfunctional family is always marked by a total lack of boundaries. The parents rarely respect the physical, mental, emotional, or material boundaries of their children. They invade their rooms, their thoughts, and even their relationships. Nothing is off-limits in the dysfunctional family. And that’s part of why there is always emotional alienation and instability.

Endless conflict

Do you and your family spend most of your time fighting with each other? Minor irritations probably turn into major blowups. Anger becomes the only safe emotion to express. Believe it or not, it’s not healthy to have an endless sea of conflict with your family. It’s not something that every family does, and it’s not something that brings resolution or a sense of safety.

Instability and terror

Instability and terror are trademarks of the dysfunctional family unit as well. Do your parents or siblings cause disruptions in order to manipulate and control? What about fear and terror? Have you ever felt scared into doing something you didn’t want to do? Terrorized into dismissing your emotions or some other important part of yourself? These are tactics used to maintain power in toxic and dysfunctional families. Never downplay it.

Levels of addiction

Addiction is another frequent visitor in the dysfunctional family. You may watch your loved ones go through addiction, and you may even find yourself confronting your own addictions as a result. Far from drug and alcohol abuse alone, those who are raised in dysfunctional families can find themselves addicted to love, relationships, and all sorts of toxic and self-destructive relationships.

Demanding perfection

Did you live in a house in which perfection was demanded? This is pretty standard in the toxic or dysfunctional home. That’s especially true when one more authority figures in the house is abusive or narcissistic. Rather than valuing their loved ones for their authenticity, children (and any other family) become extensions of their ego. Therefore, they demand perfection so they can protect the projection of self they worship.

Neglect and abuse

Would you describe your childhood as one that was neglectful or full of abuse? This is the most common type of dysfunction and the ones we are most readily able to recognize. Parents who are absent emotionally, or those who demand performance in return for affection, teach their children to accept the same in their adult relationships. Picking up on those patterns, we can find ourselves repeating the same abusive cycles.

Unreliable affection

Affection should be a tool of connection. However, in the dysfunctional family, it is used as a weapon (much like anything and everything else). Parents in these families will withhold affection as punishment. They will also terrorize their children and teach them they are not worthy of true love and respect. Because this affection is so unreliable, it can create feelings of emptiness in our adult lives.

Dangerous intimacy

Happy and healthy families build on healthy levels of stable intimacy. It is okay to be vulnerable in these families, and each member is invited to open up and be close to the other. There’s no emotional closeness in the dysfunctional family. And when there is emotional closeness, it usually becomes weaponized. So intimacy comes to be seen as a tool to punish and control. Therefore, it is perceived as a threat in the minds of those raised in these homes.

Lack of communication

There’s no real healthy communication in the dysfunctional family. Honest comes at a cost. So most members stay emotionally alienated from one another and distrustful. Shut down is common. The only time communication channels are open, they are usually swamped with rage and toxicity. This lack of communication makes it hard to repair things, and even harder to get resolution (no matter how small).

How to handle a dysfunctional family.

Realizing your family is dysfunctional is not the end of the road. You don’t have to settle for it, and you don’t have to make allowances for it. We still have a right to protect our wellbeing, even if that means changing the way we see our families (and ourselves). Figure out who you are, what you want. Then set boundaries and take action to create a self-defined and self-determined life.

1. Accept what’s really going on

There’s no moving forward towards healing or resolution without first acknowledging what’s happening. This is often the hardest step for those who have spent a lifetime dedicated to the image of family they want to see. You must take off the rose-tinted glasses and admit some hard truths. Painful at first, it’s the only realistic way for us to imagine a path forward in which we can set boundaries and create greater happiness for ourselves.

Accept what’s happening in your family and accept the dysfunction for what it is. That’s no mark against your character or who you are. It’s also not making allowances for the destructive behavior of the people that you love. It’s simply standing in your truth and acknowledging the reality of how you’re being affected.

Once you’ve looked past the projected idea of family, you’re trying so desperately to see the world opens up. Seeing them as they are (rather than how you want them to be) you will be able to take steps to repair the damage and protect yourself. Stop denying the truth. Learn everything you can about dysfunctional families and how they operate. After accepting your family as you are, you will be able to manifest a happier and healthier family life for yourself.

2. Set better boundaries for yourself

Boundaries are a necessary part of every relationship, but they become really important when we’re confronting toxic or dysfunctional family. You must show them where the lines are. You have to communicate your needs to your loved ones and clarify that you want them respected. No one has a right to deny you respect. Not even the people who brought you into this world. If you want any hope of healthy relations, you have to build limits with your dysfunctional family.

Set boundaries for yourself with your family — and stick to them. We need boundaries in every relationship we have. But these boundaries become especially important when we’re dealing in dysfunctional families. You’ve got to draw a line around your happiness and demand the respect that you deserve.

Draw the line around your happiness. How do you want to be treated by your family? What behaviors are you not willing to tolerate from them? We all have a right to privacy and limits. We have standards in how we want to be treated, and we have a right to that…even with our parents and siblings. Draw the line where you need it. Figure out how you want to feel and then focus on that. No one has a right to make you feel bad about who you are. No one has a right to disrespect you, dismiss you, or take what is rightfully yours.

3. Focus on building chosen family

Chosen family can be such a powerful tool in helping us to heal and move beyond the pain and trauma of a dysfunctional family. These are people who can lift us up. But more than that, they are people who choose to love us. Not all family comes into our lives that day we are born. Many of them are gained through the experiences and trials of the lives we live. Open your mind and your heart to these people and they will transform the way you see yourself.

If the people who raised you refuse to respect you, then you can build a chosen family who will. The love of those we meet along the way is just as valuable and transformative as the love of a family. These are people who choose to stand beside us — not because society has told them to, but because they love us and genuinely want to see the best in us.

Find people who are able to move beyond their own egos and hangups to love and support you in a more healthy way. These can be friends and partners. Even the family that you start for yourself (once you’ve confronted your own hangups and insecurities). Chosen family takes time to build, but the relationships are deep and lasting. Focusing on building a chosen family also helps to soften the blow and the continued pain of fighting with people that we love.

4. Move toward a self-determined life

Self-determination is not something is wholly welcomed in the dysfunctional or toxic families. These social units are marked by their lack of boundaries and the painful power dynamics that center around control. Siblings are rarely allowed to lead lives that make them happy. Caretakers live within strictly confined limits that keep them miserable. Breaking out of these cycles requires getting away from this rigid control. You’ve to create a life you value so you don’t fall victim again.

Move yourself toward a more self-determined life. You’ve got to break out of the cycles of dysfunction that have been handed down to you. Doing that, though, is going to require that you take actions that align with your happiness and your emotional health.

Stop holding yourself back for the wounds of your family. Stop allowing their guilt and their fear and their upset to keep you from being a better version of yourself. Start living life on your own terms. Make better choices for yourself. Choose not to be around the chaos. Decide that you will no longer engage in the politics or the false niceties. Do what makes you happy. Pursue relationships that allow you to connect with the world on a more meaningful level. Build a bright future from the inside out based on your genuine needs and desires.

5. Shed those layers of guilt (and shame)

Even though we are often the victims of our dysfunctional families, we still carry a tremendous amount of guilt. We feel guilty for the injuries that are done to us. We can feel shameful for coming from a family with so many secrets. Moving forward necessarily requires that we shed this guilt, so that we can stand in our truth and, more earnestly and efficiently, create a future that’s rewarding and full of love.

Shed the layers of guilt that are keeping you beholden to the toxic dysfunction around you. You are not responsible for who your parents choose to be. Neither are you responsible for any of the damage that’s been done to you thanks to their behavior. What you are responsible for, though, is your happiness moving forward.

Place the responsibility where it’s due. Work with a coach, a counselor, a therapist — whoever can help you sift through the decades of upset and denial to better clarify what went wrong and where. From there you can release all that shame you’ve been holding on to and see a new future in which you are clean and ready to start over on a path of healing and wholeness. Give yourself time and don’t rush the process. Peel off those rose-tinted glasses and in that transition absolve yourself of guilt.

Putting it all together…

Did you come from a dysfunctional family? When we are raised in the chaos and turbulence of these groups, it can seriously disrupt our sense of self and the course of our adult lives. In order for us to find our happiness and place of our own in the world, we have to acknowledge the disruptive and destructive actions that our parents and loved ones are using. Then we can identify our own toxic responses and create better plans that help us heal and establish peace.

Accept what’s really going on in your family and how it’s affecting you. Constant fighting, abuse, and neglect aren’t natural. Love should be confident and stable in the healthy and happy family. Set better boundaries for yourself and stop allowing them to cross the line in ways that hurt or upset you. Your family doesn’t have the right to treat you that way. If they can’t respect you, then focus on building a chosen family that sees you and accepts you exactly as you are, exactly where you are. This is a great way to start our journey to a self-determined life. Don’t allow the upset and the disappointment to derail you. Shed the layers of guilt that have held you down and held you back. From here, you can imagine a new future in which you are happy and free to live a life that is secure and full of love.

Get coached by me. Applications are open now for my signature 8-week private coaching program. Apply here.

Want access to my entire catalogue of personal development content? Make the most of your Medium membership.

Jaffee et al. (2013). Safe, Stable, Nurturing Relationships Break the Intergenerational Cycle of Abuse: A Prospective Nationally Representative Cohort of Children in the United Kingdom. Journal of Adolescent Health 53(4 0), S4–10. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4212819
Arora & Prakesh. (2018). Dysfunctional Family — Characteristics and Effects. Firstcry Parenting. Retrieved from https://parenting.firstcry.com/articles/dysfunctional-family-characteristics-and-tips-to-overcome-its-effects/