The personalities you meet in a narcissistic family
Did you grow up in a narcissistic family? Here are some of the personalities you’ve probably encountered.
by: E.B. Johnson
Narcissistic families are everywhere. Whether you realized the toxic combination of attachment and attack a long time ago, or you’re just waking up — millions of are just coming to terms with the healing we need in order to be happy. Getting to that healing requires that we take the time to understand where we’ve come from. Narcissistic families can shelter and shadow their abuses because of the personalities that come make them up. Knowing that, we can take more precise action to make ourselves happy.
The different personalities in a narcissistic family.
There are many ways a narcissistic family can manifest, and a lot of this comes down to the various personalities that make up the unit. This type of toxic family relies on toxic dynamics in order to function. So, when it comes to the narcissistic family, you tend to see similar personalities repeating themselves over-and-over again.
The Victim
Although we think of narcissists as being obviously about themselves (and their egos) that’s not always the case. Some narcissists use a covert method of manipulating everyone around them. That’s the case with the “victim”. This is a person who uses micromanipulation to guilt and emotionally hold their families hostage. The world is always out to get them and nothing is ever their fault. By becoming the victim, they can become emotional puppet masters over their families. You might see this in a family member who is always “sick” or in need of physical and financial rescue.
The Pharisaic
One of the trickiest types of narcissists are often found at the heads of active families. Communal narcissists are those who mask their desire for control and attention beneath a saintly desire to “do good”. In the family, this person usually manifests as someone who pretends to be the perfect parent. They observe all the parental behaviors they’re supposed to, and may even go above and beyond getting involved with things like PTO and sports. While they seem to live for their children, though, things are different behind closed doors. Pseudo-mutuality is the weapon of choice these parents use to keep their narcissism a secret.
The Enabler
Narcissists don’t exist in a vacuum. In order for them to successfully exert power, they have to be surrounded by enablers who can validate and obscure their abuse in the outside world. Narcissist love to pair themselves with enablers who allow their abuse to continue. This person is usually passive in their relationship, but can domineer with other family members. It’s all about getting approval from the narcissist who they put over anyone else — themselves included.
The Monster
The Monster is a traditional narcissist who uses their grandiose view of self to subject their family beneath them in a toxic stew of power dynamics and abuse. They will scream, throw tantrums, and emotionally (mentally and physically) test everyone around them. Caring only about themselves and what they want, the monster is scary because they’re unpredictable. Charm can be used as excessively as negative reinforcement or fear with the monstrous narcissist in the family.
The Scapegoat
Narcissists aren’t able to put themselves on top of the heap unless they put others below them. More than that, the narcissist often needs to have a sense of “justification” in their poor treatment of others (even when there’s no way to justify it). That’s where the scapegoat comes in. Perceived as the “weakest” person in the family, this individual bears the brunt of the abuse and negativity from the narcissists around them. Instead of facing their fears, they spend their time and energy punishing the weakest member in order to feel grand and powerful.
The Judge
There are some narcissists (believe it or not) who choose to engage and disengage with the family in totally different — and no less toxic — ways. Rather than helping their family or seeking connection, this family leaders uses silent judgement and ostracizing in order to punish those family members who “step out of line”. They don’t approach anyone with compassion or attempt to help those around them. The genuine joy in their life comes from isolating family members and severing contact with them in an attempt to humiliate them or force them into “good behavior”.
How to break the cycle and heal once and for all.
You don’t have to stay stuck in the patterns of narcissistic familial abuse. Believe it or not, it is possible to get free and find peace. Some do this in a day, a week, or a year. For others, it takes a lifetime. There’s no timeline. What matters is getting out of the conflict pattern, rebuilding your self-esteem, and making some serious plans to turn things around.
1. Don’t engage in arguments
Families (even the narcissistic ones) are all different. One symptom that marks all narcissistic families, though, is conflict. There is no avoiding conflict in such a toxic environment. Whether you blow up at one another, or implode against yourself to survive, the damage is the same. Before you can take a step back and make sure you’re heading in the right direction, however, you need to get away from all the poisonous arguments and conflict.
Don’t engage in the arguments. Narcissistic families are full of conflict. That’s one of the ways the narcissists can sew division, keep self-esteem low, and maintain control. As you decide to better yourself, this conflict will increase. Giving in to it will only hold you back and destroy your confidence, though.
Know that there is no point in arguing with narcissists. It won’t change the way they see you, and it certainly won’t change their behavior. All it will do is waste your energy and justify the narcissists toxic techniques (to them). The best way to deal with a narcissist is not to deal with them at all. Instead, you’ve got to look to the future and focus on your own journey. What can you change in order to be happy? Making plans is how we place ourselves in a position of action.
2. Focus on your self-esteem
There is no getting clear of the narcissistic family without a firm base of self-esteem. We have to believe in ourselves in order to break through the reality the narcissist has created for us. You need to love yourself and your dreams. Then, you need to empower yourself to take action apart from what your family tells you to do. The narcissist cares about one thing only: themselves. It’s time for you to prioritize yourself and your needs if you’re serious about getting free of them.
One of the best defenses we can build against a narcissistic family is a strong sense of self-esteem. Believe in yourself and your right to lead a life that’s aligned with your peace and your values. Your emotions are valid. Your love and your dreams are worthy too.
A firm foundation of self-esteem allows us to build better boundaries that keep the narcissist out of our innermost emotions. Getting there, though, requires that you embrace the entirety of who you are. Accept your strengths. Accept your weaknesses. Opening your arms to yourself empowers you to tap into a greater awareness and confidence. This is a stepping stone to freeing yourself from your narcissistic family once and for all.
3. Connect with your chosen family
Family is important to us. It’s understandable. We’re social creatures with a need to be supported by a group. Humans have been separating into family groups forever. It’s how we survive and get the physical and emotional support we need. Family isn’t only a matter of blood, however. Family is a choice we make every single day. If your narcissistic family is causing more damage than love, then discover an alternative path through chosen family.
Connect with a chosen family that can provide you with the love and support that you need. Family is not a blood-only affair. We can choose the people that provide us with the maternal, paternal, and even sibling-like support that we’re craving.
Look for new friends you can invest in. You should invest in people who want to invest in you; people who want to see you thrive, and who insist on seeing the best in you. The world does a good job of tearing us down. We don’t need our family to tear us down too. Seek people who support you. They should want you to do well in life as badly as they want that for themselves. Find people you have fun with and people who accept you entirely as you are.
4. Make a plan to change things
You don’t have to remain where you are — dealing with a toxic family — for the rest of your life. When people are toxic, they’re toxic. Whether we’re related by blood is irrelevant. If you’re stuck in a position where you’re family is calling the shots and tearing you apart, then you need to make a plan to change things. When it comes down to the finish line, you’re the only person who’s going to make or break your life. Now is the time to take action to make sure your narcissistic family isn’t getting in the way.
Make a plan to change your circumstances in whatever way is needed. There is no “fixing” the narcissistic family. For that to happen, every single damaged member has to take responsibility for their mistakes and take action to change themselves. Until that day comes, the only thing you can do is to take charge over your own life.
If you need to move out or move away from your family to get some physical space — give yourself permission to that by making plan. What do you need to get away? If you need money, get creative and look for ways to increase your earning. If you need more social support or experience, plug into the world around you and get involved with things that can help arm you with friends and understanding. You don’t have to stay chained to a toxic family forever. You can make change happen, even if you have to start over at square one.
5. Don’t internalize their behavior
Being hurt by our family is a deep level of trauma that’s hard to resolve, especially when it starts in early childhood. Our child’s brains try so hard to make sense of the world around them, and this includes the narcissistic behavior we’re conditioned to accept. Chances are you’ve probably internalized some of their poisonous barbs and decided that it’s all your fault. That’s not the truth, though, and it won’t bring you closer to happiness.
Don’t take on or internalize the poor behavior of your family. How they choose to be has nothing to do with you. You could be perfect, and they would still find a way to mistreat you. Stop taking responsibility for the people they choose to be. You’re as responsible for their lives as they are for yours.
If you internalize their inappropriate behavior and cruelty, you’ll become attached to their toxic dynamics. You will see yourself as the narcissists in your family want you to be seen. Happiness being your goal, you can’t allow this to happen. Break out of their spell and leave them to be accountable for themselves and the mess they’ve made. There’s no changing the narcissist; especially if you have to change yourself first. Leave them to it and focus on a future that’s filled with love, understanding, and empathy.
Putting it all together…
Are you someone that was brought up in a narcissistic family? When we are raised in this toxic sort of environment, it can seriously separate us from our confidence and our sense of self. There are a lot of distinct personalities that make up a narcissistic family, and no two are exactly alike. Waking up to the reality of your family is an important first step. Once we arm ourselves in understanding, we can move forward and take action to find healing and peace.
Don’t engage in the arguments, the conflict, and the drama. That’s how narcissistic families keep you stuck and scared. It’s how they keep you powerless. Pull away from the in-fighting and focus on rebuilding your self-esteem instead. With a sound foundation of self-belief, you’ll be able to strike out into the world and discover the chosen family who are meant to support you. Instead of insisting you’ll be stuck in the trap forever, make a serious plan to turn things around and get out on your own. Whatever you do, avoid internalizing their destructive behavior. You are not your family. You are not defined by them, and your future is not determined by them. Become your own person and embrace the life you’ve always wanted to lead.
- Gholamipour F, Rahimian Boogar I, Talepasand S. Prediction of Pathological Narcissism Based on Family System: The Mediating Role of Narcissistic Wounds and Perfectionism. J Mazandaran Univ Med Sci. 2017; 27 (151) :117–129
- Day, N., Bourke, M., Townsend, M., & Grenyer, B. (2020). Pathological Narcissism: A Study of Burden on Partners and Family. Journal Of Personality Disorders, 34(6), 799–813. doi: 10.1521/pedi_2019_33_413
- Sened, H., Bar-Kalifa, E., Pshedetzky-Shochat, R., Gleason, M., & Rafaeli, E. (2020). Mom-and-Pop Narcissism: The Impact of Attention Seeking and Grandiosity on Couples’ Experience of the Transition to Parenthood. Journal Of Personality Disorders, 34(4), 499–518. doi: 10.1521/pedi_2019_33_442
