Spotting the signs of a narcissistic family
Once you know, you can protect yourself.
by: E.B. Johnson
More and more of us are waking up to the reality that we are victims of narcissistic family. We are raised by these toxic individuals, and they imprint us and implant us with their toxic traits and behaviors. When we are the child victims of narcissists, we primarily learn how to make ourselves as small as possible. This is not a path to a good life. If we really want to be happy, then we have to face the truth, set boundaries, and find ways to free ourselves from the shadow of the narcissistic family.
Signs you’re in a narcissistic family.
Narcissistic families keep a lot of their secrets hidden for years. That’s thanks to pseudomutuality and their ability to project the images they need to project. Once we wake ourselves up with compassion, though, the symptoms are clear to see. From enmeshment and scapegoats and to one-sided attention and a demand for perfection — did you grow up in a narcissistic family? Facing the signs is the first step in freeing yourself onto a path of growth.
Toxic enmeshment
Enmeshment is one of the most common signs of a narcissistic family. This occurs when the natural bonds and boundaries are dissolved. There’s no individuality or privacy. The narcissist takes control of the family, and they decide how the rest of the interactions take place. Disallowing personal autonomy, they will make all decisions for their partners and their children. They also cannot allow secrets or personal space. Resentment and conflict come standard as family realize they are being violated and controlled.
Creating scapegoats
Narcissistic families are marked by their use of scapegoats. This is one person who usually gets the majority of the negativity. They get blamed when things go wrong, and they endure the brunt of the abuse from the narcissists in their families. Narcissists and their enablers, who play blame games in order to tear down the “weakest” member of the family, create scapegoats. Joke’s on them, though. The scapegoat generally winds up being the strongest member of the family, the cycle breaker, and the truth teller that exposes the decades of abuse.
Hiding behind traditions
Not all narcissists dwell out in the open with big egos and aggressive demands. Covert narcissists are common in the family group, and they are often far more insidious than the typical grandiose narcissists we think of. The covert narcissist plays victim in order to control everyone around them. They also hide behind assumptions and traditions in order to mask their nastier personality traits. Making them especially potent in the realm of toxic motherhood and fatherhood.
Failure to be accountable
Narcissists can’t be accountable. Their egos simply won’t allow it. Although they may move through life as though they are the most worthy and important person in any room, they don’t truly believe it. The narcissists’ desire for control and power comes from their deep-seated insecurities. Because they feel that someone will discover how unworthy they think they are, they project someone who takes charge. It’s all a charade meant to keep their weaknesses out of sight.
Off-balance attention
When it comes to the narcissistic family, it’s all about the head-hauncho. All the time. All attention must be on the narcissistic at all times — and they’ll do whatever they have to do to make that happen. Everyone else’s desires and needs come second (or not at all) in their world. To the narcissist parent, caretaker, sibling, or friend, the only person that matters is their needs. You will always come in second if you’re ever considered at all.
Manifesting conflict
Conflict comes standard in the narcissistic family. It’s natural. Because the narcissist controls everyone around them, they frequently end up at-odds with those who get resentful or stop doing their bidding. Likewise, the malignant narcissist also uses conflict in order to destabilize the people they want to control. The only way to deal with narcissistic conflict is by not dealing with it at all. You must teach yourself to shut down and walk away.
Playing the victim
Does your mother or father play victim? What about your siblings? Playing the victim doesn’t pay, but it’s the favored tactic of covert narcissists. This is the person who always needs help. Everything is always going wrong for them, but it’s always the fault of everyone and anyone else. If you try to confront this person, they will become the victim again. Mysterious (and endless) illnesses and personal disaster-after-disaster leave this person pulling the emotional strings of everyone around them.
Demanding perfection
Perfection demands come standard in the narcissistic family. That’s because narcissists see their family members as reflections of their own personal value or societal standing. Your victories and failures aren’t just your own in the narcissistic family. They become victories and failures of the narcissist. That’s why narcissistic parents demand perfection from their children. Anything less would reflect them as being less than perfect in their own right.
Emotional manipulation
Does your family manipulate you emotionally? This is one of the signature traits of every kind of narcissist. Whether you’re dealing with a covert or overt narcissist, they like to play with your emotions in order to control you. They will make you angry in order to destabilize your decision making. They will make you sad or guilty in order to control the actions and behaviors you take in regard to them. Don’t fall for it. Emotional manipulation is a dangerous game to get caught up in. No one should control your emotional state but you.
How to handle a narcissistic family.
You don’t have to accept the bad treatment and dismissal of your narcissistic family. It’s possible to take a stand and protect your interests and your wellbeing. You must see the truth first and know that it takes nothing from you. Then you can set boundaries and plan to create space between yourself and the narcissists in your family.
1. Let yourself see the truth
There’s no moving forward until you see your family for who they are. Peel back the traditions and the stereotypes that have left you confused and self-loathing all these years. Instead of just assuming that you’re problem in your family, question the behaviors, the motives, and the intent of the people who are pulling the string in your family. Does it really come from a place of altruism? Or is there a narcissist hiding behind their ever-present ego?
Take off the rose-tinted glasses and allow yourself to see the truth for what it really is. Admitting who your parents or your siblings are does not reflect on who you are. Their faults and behaviors do not have to define yours.
You can’t protect yourself until you see the truth, though. You must accept who they are, and you must accept what their behavior for what it truly is. From there, you can start making a plan to protect yourself. But none of that will happen until you dig deep and find the power and compassion to be honest with yourself. Face all that pain and conflict. Name your family for what they truly are. Say it out loud. Acceptance is the first step on the path to recovering and surviving.
2. Set iron-clad boundaries
Boundaries are necessary in every relationship, but they become the root of survival in the narcissistic family. You’ve got to set boundaries that restore your power. That means taking power away from the narcissist. Those boundaries include everything. They should include how you want to be spoken to, what you want to speak about, and even what physical and emotional details of your life you’re willing to share. Your family doesn’t have a right to more access to your happiness than anyone else.
Set iron-clad boundaries with your family. Put lines around everything that matters to you, and refuse to budge on those things. You have a right to say “no”. You have a right to your own space, your own ideas, and the experiences that provide you with a fulfilling life. Set boundaries around your friendships, your emotions, your own family — everything and anything.
Your boundaries should show your narcissistic family how you expect to be treated. Spend some time on your own figuring out where those boundaries should lie. What are you willing to talk about with your family? What is absolutely off limits? Think too about the behavior that you need from them. What crosses the line? What is pushing things too far? Figure out what you’re going to do when they disrespect your boundaries. There have to be consequences for disrespecting your natural needs and desires.
3. Move away from confrontation
As you lean into your boundaries, you’re going to run into more and more conflict with your family. Narcissists and their enablers will do anything to make sure their delicate power dynamics are maintained. More often than not, this results in terror campaigns and conflict that create even more toxic emotions. Pulling away from the narcissist will remove power, and this is going to lead to freakouts that are meant to scare you back into line.
Don’t give in to the constant confrontations and blowups. The more boundaries you set, the more upset the narcissists are going to become in your life. Learn to move away from confrontation. Don’t give them the arguments they’re looking for, because you now realize that this is doing little more than giving them more power over your life.
When the narcissists in your family corner you for a fight — remove yourself. This can be both literally and figuratively. If you have the courage (and the safety) to walk away from, walk away from them. Literally leave the room and refuse to communicate with them until they can do so rationally as an adult. It’s also possible for you to remove yourself emotionally. Adopt a technique known as a the “grey rock” tactic. Give your narcissist no information about your life that you care about. Distance yourself from them emotionally. When they confront you, imagine yourself to be a rock. Immovable and unattached.
4. Find a way to heal yourself
Healing has to happen if you want to recover from the damage and abuse of your narcissistic family. Otherwise, you’re going to stay trapped in hurtful cycles and patterns that keep you under control and attaching to similar personality types. Don’t get it twisted, though. A lot of people think healing means the wounds go away. Not true with narcissistic abuse. While the pain may never completely ebb, you can find a way to remove its power over your life and your emotions.
Find a way to heal yourself and the damage that’s been inflicted. This healing isn’t forgiving and never hurting again. Healing happens across many levels, and more often than not, it requires acceptance more than anything else. To heal is to stop the pain and the patterns that upset your life. You aren’t forgetting, you’re taking your lessons and putting the book on the shelf.
Commit to a path of healing. You’ve spent decades being twisted up by the warped reality of the narcissists in your family. To get out of that, you have to become determined to see life from your own point-of-view. That’s going to require a new kind of a village around you, though. You need the support of loved ones who genuinely want the best for you. Greater than that, however, you need to make sure you are also working with a coach, counselor, or therapist who has experience helping people like you overcome the tangles of the narcissistic family.
5. Make a plan to create space
Like it or not, space is the only way to protect yourself from a narcissistic family. As long as you stay in contact and within reach, they’re going to do what they need to do to control you. There is only one sure-fire way to guarantee that the narcissist no longer damages you or your happiness. And that involves taking as much physical and emotional space as possible from your toxic family members.
Make a plan to give yourself some space from your narcissistic family members. If you live with them, then it needs to include a plan for getting out on your own. If you simply exist nearby, or close enough to call, then the focus has to be on setting boundaries and enforcing them.
Even though they are your family, no one has a right to abuse you, terrorize you, control you, or manipulate you. Whether they are a mother, father, brother, sister, grandparent, or cousin — you need to put distance between yourself and the narcissists around you. That means walking out of a room when their confrontations stop. It can also mean moving to the other side of the country to remove them from your life. Space is enough physical and emotional distance to protect your happiness and your wellbeing. You have a right to be happy, but the only way to guarantee that in a narcissistic family is to remove yourself from it.
Putting it all together…
Did you grow up in a narcissistic family? It can take us decades to spot the signs, but when we do, it can transform our lives. Their enmeshment and conflict marks narcissistic families. But they also have an array of other toxic traits that make them dangerous and damaging for its members. The only way to recover from the hurt is by forging an alternative path of healing. That requires honesty, though, and creating space for you to manifest a new life for yourself.
Let yourself see your family for who they really are. Narcissists are not a reflection of you — although it can feel that way. Let go of the shame and look at your family honestly so you can understand them (and protect yourself). Set iron-clad boundaries with your family and refuse to allow them to cross the line. Move away from confrontation. The more boundaries you set, the more upset there will be. Stay strong and refuse to give in to their bullying and harassment. As you become more firm on your path, you will be able to seek a new kind of healing. Learn everything you can about narcissistic families and release yourself from the pain they’ve given you. From there, you can begin to create an action plan to manifest an entirely new future for yourself, full of joy and worthiness.
