Are you actually ready to become a parent?

You want to start a family, but is it the right time? These are the questions you should ask yourself before making the leap into parenthood.

by: E.B. Johnson

For many, the idea of parenthood and family is a dream that they have been chasing for years. They imagine the day that they will have children of their own and they dream of the home and the life they will build with them. While these dreams are nice, though, they rarely match up to reality. Being a parent isn’t a fairy tale of love and comradery. It’s a lot of hard work and personal sacrifice which can go both unacknowledged and unrewarded.

Is parenthood a goal that is on your bucket list? Are you counting down the days until you can start a family of your own? While this is a noble pursuit, it’s a serious one too. Rather than running out and getting started with the first person that we find, it’s important that we carefully assess whether we’re ready to become a parent. After all, we owe our children the best possible life we can provide. But that’s something which can only come after finding peace, presence, and a lot of stability.

There is actually a right time for parenthood.

We hear a lot that there’s “never a right time to become a parent” but that’s absolutely untrue. We can absolutely move ourselves to places in life which are more suited for the raising of happy, well-adjusted children than others. This isn’t just a matter of money or having a stable place to live. It’s a matter of making sure that we are the best possible person we can be for our children.

Are you ready for parenthood? Are you truly ready to make endless sacrifices each and every day? There are some core questions you have to ask yourself before making the leap into the role of caretaker. The answers require brutal honesty, and they require that you shed all those preconceived notions and judgements you’re holding on to.

There actually is a right time for parenthood. It’s not when we’re in the midst of chaotic relationships. It’s not when we’re lost in a sea of our own making, or struggling just to make ends-meet. We have to heal our trauma, find our inner peace, and fully realize ourselves as individuals so that we can teach our children to do the same. If you bring your children into a struggle, then you can expect them to follow the same patterns of struggle in their own lives.

Questions to ask before making the leap into family life.

In order to decide whether parenthood is a part of your calling or not, then there are certain questions you have to ask yourself and certain preparations which have to be made. Is this something that you really want, or is it something someone else wants for you? You need to have honest answers before you bring another life into this crazy and chaotic world we’ve created.

Is this something that I really want?

The most important question you can ask yourself before becoming a parent is that of, “Is this really what I want?” Parenthood isn’t for everyone. Some people thrive as a caretaker, and others don’t. The pressure we feel from society and even our own parents can make admitting this to ourselves hard, though. At the end of the day, you have to do what is right for you or risk raising miserable, confused, resentful children.

Can I offer this child stability?

Stability is so important in the life of a child. They thrive on routine, and they thrive on predictability. It’s the human in us. When we know what to expect, it’s easier to learn and remain calm. Can you offer a child stability? Are you emotionally stable? Are your relationships stable? Do you have a future that looks financially stable at the moment? All of these things are important, and all of these things have a direct impact on the quality of the child’s life.

Do I want to sacrifice my needs and wants?

Raising a child is an ebb and flow. As they grow older, they become more independent and able to care for themselves. When they are young, however, they are completely reliant on us for everything. You have to be prepared to give up on things you want and need in favor of your child. You have to put them first no matter the cost, because they depend on you and they didn’t ask to be here. You chose to give them life, so you owe them the best quality you can offer.

Is my environment a safe one?

Are you someone who grew up in a chaotic or dysfunctional home? Do you remember what it felt like to feel scared, insecure, or otherwise on-edge in your bedroom, around your parents, or every second of the day? Our children deserve to live in safe environments free of unnecessary conflict and chaos. The harder and more dramatic their lives are, the harder it for them to develop healthy coping mechanisms, self-soothing techniques, and relationship habits. Give your child safety unless you want them to live a life of fear and insecurity.

Have I found mental and emotional peace?

Our mental and emotional peace is so crucial when it comes to raising children. When you’re battling the darkness of a traumatic past, it takes up a lot of time and a lot of energy. If you’re still hurting and lost, it’s hard to give a child the attention and the lessons that they need to thrive. Be honest with yourself. Are you in a place of mental and emotional stability? Can you be a full and present parent for someone both physically and emotionally? All the time? You don’t get to pick and choose when your children need you.

Can I do this on my own?

If everyone in your life were to disappear tomorrow, would you be able to support your child? It’s important that we’re not over reliant on outside variables before we become parents. We need to have our own stable environments established to support the children we choose to have. Still needing parents in order to be a parent isn’t a good sign. Needing the physical, financial, and emotional bolstering of another person at all times can leave us broken and helpless if our relationships break down within the family.

Will you still be able to achieve your goals?

Apart from our families, we often still have a number of goals or aims that are important for us to achieve in order to reach full happiness and fulfillment. Sometimes, these achievements are time restricted or opportunity limited. Sometimes (whether you admit to it or not) family can get in the way of that. If you have children now, will you miss out on any goals that you will regret at the finish line? Prioritize your need to have a family against your ultimate happiness. Ensure you can have it all and then make a plan to get there.

Preparing yourself for parenthood the right way.

Children don’t choose to come into this world — we bring them in as a result of our choices, behaviors, and needs. It’s not their responsibility to provide us with a better life. It’s up to us to make sure we build a world they can thrive in. But that only happens by preparing ourselves the right way and getting our lives and our mental and emotional health in order.

1. Get your finances in order

While we don’t like to think of our families in terms of money, it’s a consideration that’s necessary to make. Our world is one that is ruled by money. It takes money to live, to work, to heal, to be content. Children cost money. A lot of money (by some estimates $250,000+ per child). Families cost money to feed, clothe, and maintain. What are your finances like? Are you ready to support them through sickness and through health?

You need to have financial stability before you bring a child into this world. That’s not to say that you have to have hundreds of thousands of dollars in the bank, but you do need to make sure that you are stable enough to always provide reliable access to a roof, food, and basic necessities like clothing, medicine, and education.

Establish financial stability for yourself before you bring a child into this world. Sure, you can’t predict everything. What you have today could be gone tomorrow. You can still work hard to be prepared, though, and diligently ensure that you don’t add responsibilities you aren’t ready for. Make yourself comfortable so that you can give your child a life that is as peaceful and straight forward as possible.

2. Heal your inner traumas

Stabilizing your finances is one of the most superficial things you can do before becoming a parent. It’s a starting place, but by no means the definitive preparation point. One of the most important possible things you can do before casting yourself as a caretaker is healing your inner traumas. If you’re in pain when you bring a child into this world, you will pass down all your hangups and all your shadows to them. Be healthy inside and out so that they can be healthy too.

Don’t think that having a child will heal you. Don’t think that bringing another person into this world will take away your suffering or the traumas that life dumped at your door. That’s selfish, and it’s wrong. Doing this is bringing an innocent into this world and shifting all your burdens on to them.

Heal your inner traumas. Find peace and quiet your soul so that you can be fully present with your children. If you bring them into the world while you’re still suffering, then your attention is divided. You will miss out on so many important milestones because you’re still engaged in battle with your past demons. Your kids don’t deserve that. They deserve to be loved and they deserve to have your full attention and your full self.

3. Stop building bad relationships

So many bring children into this world because they think that the raising of that child will repair their broken relationship. Perhaps they believe that a spouse is going to leave them, so they decide to create a child in an effort to keep things glued together. The problem here, though, is that you are again shifting your responsibilities onto the child, and forcing something which may only damage them in the long run.

Stop building bad relationships and expecting them to result in fairy tale families. While you may get children you love out of it, what of their lives? What does it feel like to watch two people who resent one another destroy their lives and the lives of everyone connected to them?

Your children deserve to know love from you, but they also deserve to see love at work in their environment. Whatever relationship examples you set for them are the same ones they will follow for life. Don’t teach them to settle for someone who isn’t good to them. Don’t teach them to settle for someone who doesn’t want the same things, or who exists in resentment. Teach them to love themselves enough to build loving and equitable intimate relationships.

4. Be honest about who you are

Before you ever become a parent, you should do as much work as you can discovering who you are. This truth is an ever-changing one, and it’s one which is a process to uncover. We often don’t realize who we are or what we want until we work through our traumas and get to know ourselves (and our inner children) on a much deeper and more intimate level. Question your desire to be a parent. Is it really what you want?

Not everyone really wants to be a parent when they peel back the layers and get honest with yourself. You need to be sure that you will have no regrets. You need to be sure that this is an act that is authentically aligned with your ultimate happiness, because a child is a commitment that lasts forever — not just 18 years.

Be honest about who you are and what you want. Brutally honest. Stop shying away from the truth because you want to fit in better with your friends, or because you want to be accepted by people who care about themselves more than you. Once you make the decision to be a parent, you’re on your own no matter who you have beside you. Remember, your external support could disappear in a minute. Is this something you are prepared and able to do on your own? Would you want to? It’s a possibility you need to be aware of.

5. Establish some stability in life

All the above sureties can only get you so far when it comes to becoming a parent. Parenthood isn’t a one-size-fits-all experience, and no matter how much inner work you do — things are still going to be chaotic and out of control at times. That’s why we have to seek stability above all else when building a family of our own. This isn’t just financial stability. It’s the stability of a safe environment and predictable and supportive relationships.

Look at your life as a whole. You don’t have to have all the money in the world; you don’t need the best career in the world. You do need general stability, though, and you need to have a quiet peace of mind that allows you to approach your new life with understanding, compassion, and an unrelenting forgiveness.

You’re not always going to get what you want. Your children aren’t going to be the people you expect them to be. That’s fine. No matter what the ups and downs are, you should already have enough contentment in your life that you’re able to find the silver lining in it all. Do you have a support system that’s looking out for you? Do you have the resources you need to thrive? Establish a safe environment in which you can become a parent and your child can blossom.

Putting it all together…

Parenthood is one of the most important bucket list dreams that many people hold. They dream of starting a family, but they rarely wait until the right moment to bring their children into the world. If we want our children to grow up happy, healthy, and well-adjusted, then we have to make certain preparations to ensure that happens. We really have to ask ourselves the tough questions before having a child. Including, “Is this the right choice for me?”

Get your finances in order and make sure you have enough reliable streams of income to provide stability for your child throughout the foreseeable future. You should have savings, you should have a path to fruitful employment in the long-term. Finances settled, you can look to heal your inner traumas and ensure that you have the mental and emotional equilibrium needed to raise a happy and well-adjusted human being. Stop building bad relationships and expecting your children to fix them. It’s not the responsibility of a baby to remind you and your partner why you love one another. Find stable partnerships and then consider becoming parents together. Be honest about who you are and then build stability that welcomes a child into the world.