Let these habits go if you want to build happier families

Our family relationships are delicate. Protect them by letting go of these destructive habits.

by: E.B. Johnson

The relationships we share with our families are important, but they can often become fraught with tension and difficulty despite our best efforts to preserve them. Why is it so difficult for some of us to connect with the people who are supposedto love us the most? Sometimes, the answer is complicated and sometimes its rather straightforward. Either way, it is up to us to better understand these relationships in order to safeguard them.

When we fail to look after the bonds we share with our family members, we can find them eroding or becoming heavy with resentment and contempt. Things like criticism and even selective inclusion can go a long way to tear apart the close familiar bonds connections we’ve worked so hard to build. If you want to build a stronger, happier family then you have to start looking at the habits that you used to engage with one another. Cut out the toxic and find out how to cultivate more of the positive.

Our family roots run deep.

Our family roots run deep, and they provide the first perspective on self and the world that we ever get. The relationships we form with our caretakers, our siblings and even our extended family inform everything from how we see ourselves, to how we form our romantic relationships. They are a formative part of who we are, but these relationships can also struggle against toxic habits that make it hard to love or trust one another.

When our family communications become tense and filled with negative thoughts and emotions, it pushes us away from one another and creates a sense of insecurity and instability throughout the unit. The more we learn to communicate openly, the better off we are, but that requires a lot of acceptance and committing to support one another no matter what.

Let go of the toxic habits that are pulling you apart, and embrace healthier ways to come together in a unified sense of trust and compassion. Learning how to stand together as a family unit is an incredibly powerful thing, but it takes a lot of hard work from everyone involved. Stop allowing the pain, the fighting and the tension destroy what should be one of the most enjoyable aspects of your life. Build healthier family bonds each and every day.

The habits that can push your family away.

If you don’t look out for the way you communicate and the way you connect with your family, you’re going to find yourself dealing with some toxic habits that drive them away when you need them most. Look out for these warning signs of eroding family happiness.

Selective inclusion

Some families utilize selective inclusion in order to cement specific relationships, or to prove certain points. The problem with this, however, is that it is hurtful and creates a “you v. me” mentality within your family unit. With this mentality, it becomes impossible to trust one another, as it becomes all about competition and proving yourself in order to gain some superficial idea of “love”.

Criticizing and insults

Think about who you are and how you feel. Do you like it when someone calls you names? Or otherwise insults the things and people that are important to you? Criticizing and insulting is no less toxic when it’s used within the family unit. As a matter of fact — it’s far more toxic than when experienced outwardly. When someone in our family insults us, it cuts us to the bone and can make us lose touch (entirely) with the things that are right for us.

Deception

Lies are lies, and they destroy our relationships no matter what type they are. Deceiving your children or your partner will lead to a complete lack of trust across the board, which then impacts every other relationship we share to some regard. In order to build a happy family, we have to learn to trust one another — but that only happens when we learn to stop deceiving one another.

Loose tongues

Sometimes, events happen in our families (or our family members share something with us) which is highly personal and sensitive. Sharing this information to people who are not privy to it is a betrayal of trust and shows a lack of respect. When you share these moments outside of your family, you are damaging the ties they share with you and subjecting them to shame. Loose tongues erode the confidence we find in one another. It’s crucial to remember that don’t get to choose what’s sensitive. (NOTE: This does not apply to instances of physical, emotional, narcissistic or sexual abuse.)

Dividing differences

There are some major differences in personality, experience and understanding that can make it hard to bond and connect. When we allow these differences to come between the compassion and empathy we feel for our family members, we can find ourselves in conflict with them and destroying the relationships we hold. Dividing differences like politics, visions for a future, and even relationships can drive a serious wedge in our family relationships and make it hard to maintain respect.

Refusing responsibility

No matter what role you might inhabit within your family, it’s impossible to do so without ever making a mistake. As humans, we’re prone to overconfidence and flawed thinking. This isn’t the issue, though. The true issue is when we refuse to take responsibility for the things we got wrong. This includes never apologizing or admitting that you’re messed up because of some imagined dynamic or concept of superiority. The harder you cling to these ideas, the more resentment and contempt will grow within your family.

The contributing factors behind these habits.

Believe it or not, there are some solid reasons behind why so many of us struggle to build happy family relationships. From unaddressed trauma to open-faced narcissism — these are the most common reasons you might struggle to connect with your family.

Lineage of trauma

Growing up with painful or fraught family relations can make it hard to keep sight of the fact that (often) the leaders within our family have deep-seated traumas of their own. When we raise families, without facing up to the pain and trauma of our past, it can lead to shattering those relationships with manifestations of the past that we struggle to understand and control. If you want happy, healthy families then we have to be happy, healthy versions of ourselves…or risk implanting new traumas of our own.

Outdated notions

There are a lot of outdated family notions out there and they can make it hard for us to maintain a happy family unit in the modern age. While some of these can come from societal pressure, these notions can also come from places like past learning experiences and even religion. Some notions might include the idea of how children should act or behave, as well as dictating how partners, spouses and extended family members contribute as well.

The best of intentions

Sometimes, our family relationships are ruptured through the best of intentions. This occurs when one family member unduly pressures or forces the other into a behavior or belief system they’re not compatible with, all in the hopes that it (in some way) makes that person’s life easier in the outside world. While these intentions are noble, they’re still toxic to the people we force them on.

Societal pressure

Depending on where in the world you live, you might find that there is a lot of outward societal pressure that makes it hard for your family to maintain healthy and loving relationships. This might come in the form of expectations based on gender, or even family traditions and how they’re kept and executed. Society creates a lot of pressure to conform, and that includes within our family units. To be happy, however, we have to be free to live within our own authentic truth.

Narcissistic caretakers

Narcissistic caretakers destroy their families through their selfish demands and compulsive need to have their own way. They micromanage and rule their loved ones with an iron fist, all in an attempt to meet whatever goals they have set for themselves. When they don’t get their way, they lash out and can seriously injure their spouses and even their children mentally and emotionally. They’re toxic, and they create toxic relationships within the family unit that can be hard to overcome without professional help.

How to cultivate healthier relationships with our family.

The good news is, these habits and patterns don’t have to follow us forever. We can build happier families by learning how to commit to better communication techniques and creating positive experiences together. Allow your family to open up and be who they are. Encourage individuality. Before you know it you’ll have a family whose love runs deeper and truer than it ever did before.

1. Creating new experiences together

Take a step back and think of your family for 5–10 seconds. What are the first memories that come to mind? Chances are, if you have happy memories of your family (or you shared a lot of positive experiences) you have a greater sense of love and connection with them. If your memories are the opposite, chances are the feelings you share aren’t that great. That’s because happy families are all about creating new experiences together. They laugh, and through that laughter make memories that keep them connected.

Work hard to create fun experiences where you can laugh and create special memories with one another that can be looked back at when things go bad. Part of the secret to creating happy families that last is ensuring there are more happy memories than sad.

Don’t underestimate the value of spending one-on-one time with each member of your family either. While creating new, joyful experiences as a whole family is important — so too is connecting with each person on an individual level. Get to know everyone in your family and acknowledge the change and challenges that are going on in their lives at a personal level. We all have individual identities outside of the family unit, and those deserve to be recognized within the unit as well.

2. Finding better ways to communicate

Communication is key in any relationship, and that is especially true when it comes to our families. The way we speak to one another can become so broken and so skewed in family relationships (often because of outdated notions, or a lack of mutual respect, compassion and understanding). In order to build happier family units, we have to learn how to talk to one another openly and honestly; Without fear of judgement and without fear of shame.

Drop all the yelling, screaming and arguments. When you find yourselves upset with one another, walk away and give yourselves at least 10 minutes to process and consider what you want to say and how you want to respond.

By taking our emotions out of important conversations, we can make it safer for our children and our partners to trust us and open up to us. Make talking a regular practice and communicate your desire for more openness and understanding. You can’t get to truly one another until you learn how to open up to one another completely and without fear of judgement. Find better ways to communicate and listen to the individual needs of your family members.

3. Leaving room for individuality

In the family in which judgement and criticism rule, there is often very little room for individuality. Like it or not, there are some families out there that see their worth as a direct correlation of each member’s outward worth or appearance. This leads to fights, arguments and the inevitable need to form each member to one single idea of what it means to be a family. This, however, is suffocating and drives us apart.

Let go of your need to control your family and begin leaving more room for individuality. Allow them to express themselves in whatever manner they see fit, and encourage them to go after those things which make their souls sing.

Don’t worry about what the world thinks, or how other people might respond to you or your family. Release all of that. Instead, recognize the fact that — if you give your children or partner a support network they can rely on — they will have all the strength they need to withstand anything the outside world throws at them. Build one another up, and allow one another to glow.

4. Respect as a rule

Respect should be at the forefront of any relationship, but it’s possible to lose sight of that fact in the complicated (and often messy) bonds that make up our family units. To respect someone means to understand and allow for their individual perspective. It also means giving them their space and working as hard to safeguard their boundaries as you would your own. Every relationship in our family requires respect, but this can get lost in a lot of notions that (ultimately) mean nothing.

Stop trying to rule the roost with an iron grip and stop trying to lord yourself over the other members of your household. Respect the wishes of your partner, your children. Give them space when they need it and room to express themselves when they want it.

Life isn’t about trying to fit one another into different boxes. It’s about making ourselves better people and finding ways to better connect with everyone around us. Let your children and your spouses be who they are. Let them explore the things which bring them joy or otherwise exhilarate them with the unknown. Respect means guarding the garden gate — even when it’s not our own. Be respectful of one another and watch the positive transformations roll in for everyone involved.

5. Commit to one another

When we think of the word “commitment” we generally think of romantic relationships, and the commitments we make to our romantic partners in the long-term. In reality, though, every relationship requires commitment — which is little more than an oath of loyalty. Committing to someone means promising to love them even when they disappoint you or get things wrong. When we commit to our families we say, “I love you and will be there for you no matter what.” It’s a big deal, and one too many of us underestimate.

Recommit to your family and the lives you are trying to build together. Look at every single member for precisely who they are, and then embrace the good, bad and ugly in them.

Commitment brings security and with that an incredible sense of trust that allows us to lean into one another. Drop any idea of superiority. Drop the idea that — as the head of the house — your family has to commit to you. If you truly want family members that love you, respect you and trust you, make a mutual commitment to them and their wellbeing. Let them know that you’re there and you’re looking out for them, and they’ll do the same. It’s incredible what we can get back when we simply promise to support someone through thick and thin.

Putting it all together…

Our family relationships can form a crucial part of our experience here — whether they are chosen family or biological family. Through our families, we gain our first sense of perspective and define ourselves and the world around us. When family relationships are good, they’re great…but when we engage in toxic habits, we destroy them. Understand these habits so that you can let them go, then get proactive about creating a happier family of your own.

Create new and happy experiences together, which are filled with love and laughter. The key to creating a happy family is to ensure that you all share more happy memories than sad ones. Do this consciously by bettering the way you communicate and opening up to one another. Of everyone on this planet, our family are the ones who should be able to see and hear us for who we truly are. Leave room for individuality in your family and make respect, support and compassion under the rule (rather than the exception). Our families can provide us with a transformative amount of love in this life, and they can inspire us to become better versions of ourselves. This takes building healthy families consciously, however, and committing to be there for one another no matter what. If you want a happier family, start building one today by letting go of the toxic habits that are keeping you from connecting.