Self-nominated collection
You Want to See My Best Bits?
Well, here they are!
This article is a milestone. Since beginning as a writer on Medium, I have published something almost every day.
This is article number 250. Bring out the cake and sing a song! Set free the fatted calf!
There must be millions of articles on Medium by now. Hard to find all the good stuff, and there’s thousands more every day. Turn away for a moment, and what’s on your front page changes.
Here are my top ten personal favourites. I hope you get as much fun reading them as I did in giving them to you.
Roll Your Eyes Over These Jokes
#Humor #Wildlife
I love words. And wordplay. And humour. Combine them in an excruciating pun, and I’m in heaven, despite the dismal groaning noise. Here are a few out of my personal collection of awful punny jokes, and if you want more, just follow the links at the end of the story for other topics. These are my best animal jokes. Or my worst, if you want to be like that.
You Like My Dick Pic?
#Gender
What is it with men and their desire to show off pictures of their dangly bits? Show me your salami and I’ll get hungry, is that it? Well, maybe, but I really have to be in the right mood, and just swinging through life’s jungle, the last thing I want is to grab a stranger’s hairy vine. I’d rather have a skinny decaf, thanks. And Oh. My. God. The research I had to do on Flickr to find a photo to illustrate the story. The horror! That’s two hours out of my life I’ll never get back.
Free Your Dreams From the Dome of Your Head
#Poetry #Ambition #Dreams
This poem was submitted to another publication, one where I have writing privileges and has published my work on occasion. I love this poem, my words on a solid framework provided by another editor here on ILLUMINATION. She did all the creative work, I just piled up the same blocks in a nother way. This poem sat in that other publication’s submission queue for two weeks. TWO FRIGGING WEEKS! Not a note, not a rejection, not an acceptance. Not a bloody word. It takes ten seconds to read. Geez.
On Becoming An Editor
#Writing
On the flip side of the writing process, I’m also an editor, and I do my share of working through the insane number of submissions we get here at ILLUMINATION and ILLUMINATION-Curated. We try to look at them all within 24 hours, and at least leave a note for the writer if there’s a problem. What it boils down to: 1. Write a bloody great title. One that a reader has GOT to click. 2. Reinforce that with a subtitle that teases and promises. 3. Find a stunning image, and caption it so we can check that it’s okay to use commercially. 4. Now write the article and deliver what you’ve promised.
End of a Curvy Girl
#Life
A story of an unforgettable character with a pair of breasts that could be seen from space, guiding astronauts into strange orbits. My friend could walk along the street, and leave behind a trail of male eyeballs rolling happily along the ground. And the odd female pair, it must be said. But life these days isn’t always straightforward and obvious, and life threw my friend a curve. Read my story, hear what happened, and don’t worry. They found a happy ending after all that.
My Good Travel, Bad Sex Story
#Travel #Sex #Erotica
I had so much fun writing this story! And it is fun to read. Out of all my stories, this is the one I go back to and chuckle — and sigh — all the way through. It was painful at the time to be in paradise, and be so frustrated. It shouldn’t have been all about sex, but it was, and things weren’t falling into place. Life in the female gender isn’t as straightforward as you might imagine, gentlemen, but you could make more of an effort sometime, know what I mean?
How to Read Minds
#Mindfulness #Psychology
This really works. It’s not even difficult. But there’s a certain amount of preparation, and for some of us we’re never going to see our way through that process. But for those willing to listen and learn, here is the secret. Do this and it will change your life.
There’s a Hole in my Camel Toe!
#Sex #Life #Pandemic
Life in Lockdown. Here in Melbourne it has been long and hard and strict. For those of us living alone, extra frustrating. But in a way, it is one long holiday, and the usual rules have been tossed off into the shrubbery. Working in your pyjamas, putting your feet up and eating chocolate-chip icecream in the work meeting, it’s heaven on a stick. Having your cat camp on your keyboard when you aren’t looking — or even if you are, it’s not like they care — maybe not so much.
Elegance is Not My Middle Name!
#Fashion #Paris
As one may imagine from reading the above story, I’m not as poised and graceful and stylish in my everyday life as I might wish. Comfort and practicality in clothing rule my fashion choices, but then again I’ve been told by several boyfriends that I don’t need to wear anything to look fabulous, so I take their informed advice to heart.
My Amazing Sex Story
#Writing #Money #Surprise
Writing for ILLUMINATION and ILLUMINATION-Curated has been rewarding in so many ways. Every day I update a spreadsheet showing where I am in earnings and stories and engagement. There are so many numbers Medium provides that it’s more a matter of working out which ones are important than trying to record everything. But money talks, and with this one story I have made over $1 700 so far. Last month I not only joined the $500 club, I had a bloody good run at pushing past the $1 000 mark. I wouldn’t have done this if it hadn’t been for these two publications.
Thank you for reading. Now, I’m guessing you are a writer as well. What are your top ten? I want to admire your very best bits.
Britni
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