AUTHENTICITY

Becoming Authentic

A “What’s Your Word?” prompt

Some days are yellow Some days are blue On different days, I’m different too ~ From the book My Many Colored Days by Dr. Seuss

I came across the book My Many Colored Days by Dr. Seuss far too late in life.

Or maybe I found it just in time.

The book gave me permission to feel all my feelings. It helped me see that all feelings are okay and that feeling all of them means I’m being true to myself.

So I’m no longer hiding what’s going on inside me. Not that I foist my feelings upon the unsuspecting. That can be hazardous.

Instead, I don’t hide them from friends. I don’t avoid them in my writing. If I’m feeling something, I talk or write about it.

Some days I’m happy. Some days I’m sad. Some days I’m silly. Some days I’m mad.

Some days my life sounds like that Dr. Seuss book.

Although my many moods and feelings have always been there, I haven’t always been able to express them. There was a time in my life when I had no idea how to even name them all.

Once upon a time

There was a time when I hid all the hard and sad feelings I had inside me. A time when I covered them over with a pasted-on smile and forced laughs. A time when I stifled the goofy playful side of me.

In a place that now seems far away

About 6 years ago I was coming to grips with a hard truth. I’d been struggling for so many years to be myself within my marriage. I’d finally had it, but the habits I’d formed were hard to break. What I knew for sure is that something needed to change.

I started to see a therapist and during our sessions, she’d ask what I was feeling. I’d stare at her blankly. I had no idea how to answer her question. I’d been stuffing all of them down for so long I’d completely lost touch with anything other than the sunshiny mood I tried to continuously display.

At times I asked her to list some emotions to see if the words she said seemed to stick. It’s like I needed her to tell me what I was feeling.

I began a journey

Around that time I came across an ad on Instagram for a website called MyIntent.org. They create items to wear with your “word” of choice on them. I clicked on the link and for some reason, my gut told me to have a bracelet made with the word “AUTHENTIC”.

I had no idea exactly what the word meant for me, but I decided to trust the nudge and go with it. I knew I needed to begin being true to myself and the word “AUTHENTIC” seemed like a good one to use as a reminder. I adopted it and wore it on my wrist.

At the same time, I also began writing. So many of the emotions I’d been stuffing poured out of me. I’d been out of touch with my feelings for so long that I wasn’t even sure what all of them were.

I had a lot of learning to do.

I learned that feelings aren’t wrong or right. They’re just feelings. It’s what you do with them that matters. Like waves on a beach, they come and go. And I learned that there’s a crap ton of different ones all packed inside me.

Becoming authentic

I’ve come a long way since then. I’m no longer painting a pretty picture over what I’m feeling. I’m starting to sit with each emotion. I often find myself writing about different ones as they ooze out of me.

At times, what I write about seems incongruent. Yesterday’s feelings don’t seem to jive with today’s. But I’m beginning to believe that this is what my gut was telling me when I chose the word “AUTHENTIC”.

I know that when I write happy sappy pieces, I truly feel that way. And when I write the sad and droopy ones, I feel that way too. The same goes for the silly stuff. I’m writing about what I’m feeling at the time, which seems like an authentic way to write.

So for me, becoming authentic means expressing all of who I am and what I’m feeling. I’m a gal who can write happy sappy stuff one day, moody gloomy the next, and then follow it all up with an oddball post about a shart.

All of it’s me.

All of it’s authentically me.

THE PROMPT: What’s your word?

Tagging these fine people and anyone else who’d like to chime in: Christopher Robin | Will Hull | Squeeze the Avocado | Carlos Garbiras | Anthony O'Dugan | Vincent Pisano | Jennifer McDougall | Season Robbins | Penny Grubb | Mary Chang Story Writer | Ellie Jacobson | Greg Peterson

kasey sparks, © 2021

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