Climate Answers — you heard it here first

Avert Climate Crisis — Kill Your Neighbour

The fastest way to save the planet

With the world’s population having recently reached eight billion — which if converted to dollars, is five times less than Elon Musk paid for a website domain name — it’s time to save the planet.

This means putting in place a final solution to the problem once and for all.

Note to Ye, formerly known as Kanye West, now known as Cunt, this isn’t what you’re thinking. This isn’t time to start dressing up in a SS uniform holding a Swastika. When I say final solution, I mean save the planet, not your pathetic self.

According to the Worldometer website, the population at 10.35 GMT today was 8,004,044,070! That’s a lot of people. Let’s check it again.

Wow! In one minute, the population has risen by 159 people.

We need to get a grip, otherwise, it’s going to be Brown Trouser Time. And if you don’t know what that means, it’s what happened to Elon Musk when he realized he could have bought a domain name for $2.49 from Go Daddy with a years free hosting, instead of $44 billion.

Let’s check it again at 10.51 GMT!

Wow! That’s another 1,893 people in fifteen minutes. Jesus would have a fit.

‘Look, guys, I’ve just finished feeding the 5000, I’m not sure if I can manage another 2000!’

Don’t you feel the planet getting heavier? I do. That’s why I see population reduction as vital to our survival.

But who’s going to get the chop? It’s not me — I’m the one trying to save the planet here.

Neither should it be the poor countries of the world who’ve suffered enough. And who now rely on second-hand Tesla batteries and the remains of SpaceX rockets falling from space to fuel their economies.

No. The poor have done nothing wrong. It’s time The West (and West) made a sacrifice and went out to kill thy neighbour. Hence, drastically reducing the population.

You may think this is unfair. That the fair-minded, decent, weak and old will simply be wiped out. Leaving a load of Alpha males high on Subway sandwiches, Heineken, and Johnny Depp branded aftershave.

But do we have a choice?

Let's take another check at 11.14 GMT:

Another 3000 people, while we talk and procrastinate. Clearly no time to lose. But I understand the fears of being overrun by Elon Musk, Donald Trump and Kanye West clones.

So I propose a handicap.

In the ensuing neighbourhood war, anyone who drives a Tesla, wears badly designed sneakers, wears aftershave, or uses hair dye, has to fight naked with their cocks stapled to their scrotum.

That way there is never any chance of them inseminating any woman, beast, or child ever again. In short, I may have saved the world.

Let’s do a final population check at 11.34 GMT:

Staples ready!

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