As a Gay Man, Are You a Top, Bottom, or Side?

You have a new position at your disposal

There’s a new wave of gay sex that is starting to appear, and it has to do with the position you take. So it’s not necessarily new, but it’s finally being acknowledged.

While the primary definition of sex is that which divides male vs. female, Merriam-Webster has a second definition: A) sexually motivated phenomena or behavior, and B) sexual intercourse. Most think of having sex as B) only. But A) is sex too, and that’s where being a “Side” comes into play.

Traditionally, gay men have been labeled as either tops or bottoms. Those who claim to be versatile will go both ways, but most of them seem to prefer to bottom.

One morning a couple of weeks ago, when I opened Grindr to see if any hot guys had been pining for me, I was pleasantly surprised to see a message titled, “Side Position is Here.”

The definition of a side, in gayspeak, is one who prefers not to engage in anal sex. Sideism (I just made that word up — we’re in uncharted territory here!) is rampant. Upon first discovering the trend, I wrote about it in a story last year titled “I Think I’ll Be A Side.” I’m not going to regurgitate what I wrote then but rather tell you how the movement is evolving.

Now don’t get me wrong — it seems a good 90% of gay men still want a good old-fashioned fuck. Especially among the younger crowd. “Door open, ass up” is all many of these guys want. They don’t even want to see your face, so they blindfold themselves. As a result, I fear they’re not going to know much about intimacy once they decide to settle down.

But that’s just me.

I don’t think people knew there was another choice until Dr. Joe Kort, a psychotherapist and the founder of The Center for Relationship and Sexual Health, coined the term “side” in a 2013 article in The Huffington Post titled “Guys on the Side: Looking Beyond Tops and Bottoms.”

If my memory serves me (and it usually doesn’t!), I first came across the term while scanning through Facebook Groups. There was one named “Side Guys,” so I chose to investigate. The group has nearly 5,000 members from all over the world. It’s a safe place for sides to express their views on being a side in a top-and-bottom world.

There is some shame among the general gay male population, who think that penetration is the definition of having sex. So Kort spends much of his time advancing the social acceptance of the term and its meaning.

Fortunately, Kort let the cat out of the bag, making it more comfortable for sides to come out as, well, sides. He discussed the issue recently in an episode of a series on VICE TV (view trailer here). Kort has been advocating the term since the 2013 article. As a result, Grindr, the self-proclaimed most popular gay meeting (read: hookup) site in the world, has added side as a filter, along with the usual top, bottom, versatile, vers top, vers bottom, oral only, etc.

Some guys just don’t like butt stuff.

That morning when I opened Grindr and read the news, I skimmed through a few profiles of hot men that I hadn’t seen, and before I knew it, I came across a profile that had “side” as their chosen position!

The story on Grindr was a lengthy overview of Dr. Kort’s work and the “side saga.” There were many revelations in the article. Here are just a few:

• In 2011, researchers surveyed 25,000 gay and bisexual men. Only 35% had participated in penetrative sex during their most recent hookup. Seventy-five percent had given or received oral sex.
• Kort coined the term “side” from looking at sex as a box. You’re either a top, a bottom, or a side.
• Many sides feel pressure to have anal sex as if it’s some kind of expectation, even after expressing they don’t want to.
• A study participant said, “My partners have interpreted me not wanting to have penetrative sex as being a prude or playing ‘hard to get.’”
• Sides exist on a spectrum. Some are willing to have (and will enjoy) penetrative sex occasionally. Others won’t engage in it at all.
• One side said that in a relationship with two sides, there isn’t a clear dominant or submissive person. “You can be whatever you want to be.”
• There is a litany of reasons why one might want to be a side: erectile difficulties, body image issues, performance anxiety, medications, the preparation (bottoms), health issues, chronic pain, or a well-endowed partner for instance.

Kort goes on to say that many “men say they aren’t having sex if penetration isn’t involved, and that’s incorrect.”

Now that there is a term for this form of sex, Kort says we ought to normalize it by having it as a filter on all of the (hookup) apps. It would say that there’s nothing wrong with you and would help sides find each other.

But there’s still plenty of education to be dispersed. I Googled “side” and found at least seven articles bout Grindr’s having added it as a position. I question how many young gay men will read them because I question if young gay men read much at all! Perhaps I am discrediting those that do. But at least the cork has been unsealed (pun intended) so that the world may know there is one more position from which to choose.

Here are a couple of my other stories in Prism & Pen you might enjoy:

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