I’m A Straight-Acting Gay Man: Just Don’t Go Looking in My Closet

On judging books by covers

People are quick to make judgments when they first meet you. In my current gay world, one of the first things guys think about is, “is he straight or is he gay?”

When I married a Jewish woman, the first thing the Jews would say was, “Is he Jewish?” Sorry to have let you all down.

At one time, having kids would dispel the question.

It seems most don’t take me as gay when they first meet me. Unless I’m wearing my famous summer short-shorts with the four-inch inseam.

But it’s not an act.

When they first meet me, I don’t think straight people wonder if I’m gay.

Or do they?

Being gay is not something I wear on my sleeve. Including wearing shirts that have rainbows or unicorns on them. Or shirts that say stuff like, “Dudes Just Taste Better.” “I Bottom.” “I (heart) Seamen.” “Uncut.” “I’m not gay but my husband is.” And “Guncle” is getting big. (Like an uncle, only cooler.)

Seriously? Do we have to be that out? Or am I just being a prude?

I could never go out in public wearing a shirt like that. Maybe at an all-gay party, but once you’ve worn it, what’s the point of wearing it again? Yes, we know you’re gay!

Some of us have been gay-bashed, maybe because of wearing shirts that say shit like that. Since I don’t want to be gay-bashed, I don’t wear things that might draw undue attention to me. Especially when traveling on road trips in rural areas.

Strutting your stuff in some backwoods area of Kansas or Wyoming could get you killed. Look what happened to Matthew Shepard.

Maybe I’ve never been smacked around by thugs because of where I’ve lived. My Chicago neighborhoods were all pretty gay (Lincoln Park, Andersonville, Lakeview). In these places, you’re with your own. There is safety in numbers.

I can use power tools like anybody’s business, but that doesn’t mean I’m straight. Some have commented on how “butch” I am to take on the projects I do. That’s not butch! That’s just getting a job done.

I wouldn’t call myself butch either.

I don’t try not to be gay! I am just me. Arthur. King Arthur if you’re nasty.

Shoot me now, but stereotypical behaviors exhibited by some gay guys are a real turn-off for me. That includes hand gestures, the way one might sway and swoon when walking, and lisps. Some of these traits are inborn, and some are exacerbated. I just wasn’t born with any of them.

I don’t think it’s anybody’s business to know whether or not you’re gay. However, some gay men insist that you know it right off the bat.

Due to the hard work of generations, the fortunate thing is that we are free to be who we want to be. It’s hard for me to say that I’m proud to be gay because I had nothing to do with the movement unless simply living your authentic life is enough. Maybe I would feel differently if I’d had a more challenging road.

I thought that with more and more LGBTQ bills passing over the years, leading the path to legalize gay marriage, we would all become assimilated. All I want is not to be bugged for who I am. I don’t suppress any behaviors to fit in.

My Mom (among other family members) has asked me many times why gay men seem to only talk about sex. It’s true — what we talk about when we’re together is almost always sexual. There is constant innuendo, and there is the outright talk of the size of our dicks. No matter what, a double entendre is always thrown in.

I’ve heard it in conversations among “Gay A-Listers,” as well as the lowest of the low. It is very much a common thread. I admit, I participate. But come on, guys, children are dying in Yemen and now in Ukraine, and stupid people are running our country. Can’t we sometimes talk about that? Or do “girls” just want to have fun? It makes us appear so one-dimensional from the outside looking in.

I do see the tide turning, and “masculine” seems to be the new word for straight-acting. But here’s what masculine looks like in the gay world:

Who can live up to that? Many can, but I’m not one of them. I can’t spend that much time in a gym, day in and day out.

Labels are going to be the death of us. After reading this, you might think I’m conservative, but I’m not in any way, shape, or form. I am a raging liberal left-wing democrat borderline socialist.

Maybe I fuck up other people’s gaydar.

But I’ve gotta be me. So I’ll be the straight-acting one.

Thanks for reading my vent! Here are a couple of things I hope you’ll enjoy:

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