How to Find Gay Friends in a New City

Do Facebook “friends” count?

How many relationships can you maintain at the same time?

A fellow writer turned me on to the “Theory of Dunbar’s Number.” It maintains that we can only sustain about 150 relationships or connections at once. Based on anthropological studies of non-human primates and current psychological data, Dunbar found a “remarkable consistency” around the number 150.

“You’re having to make a decision every day about how you invest what time you have available for social interaction, and that’s limited.” ~ Robin Dunbar, British Anthropologist

If 150 is a good number, what am I doing with 828 “friends” on Facebook? I quit Facebook for five years. When I reactivated my account, I was at about 500 friends and picked up nearly 100 more in the first year. But that didn’t serve my needs in my new city.

The Big Move

After 35 years in Chicago, I moved to Albuquerque about three years ago. I didn’t know but two people there. It’s hard to make friends in a new city once you’re a “grown-up.” Many have lived here all of their lives and still mingle with their high school friends. As you get older, you tend to have fewer social interactions with others — unless you want to.

I’m of the latter ilk. I like having an extensive social network.

So I went online to see what kinds of organizations I could find for people in the same situation — and came across “Meetup.com” I’d never heard of it before, so I thought I’d try it.

“Meetup is a platform for finding and building local communities. People use Meetup to meet new people, learn new things, find support, get out of their comfort zones, and pursue their passions, together.” ~ from the Meetup website

That sounded good to me, so I looked at the local groups and was glad to see there were many specific to the LGBTQ community. That was appealing because I was also newly single. Within that category, I found many groups specifically for gay men. Even more appealing! So I decided to give one a try. You have to go through a minor vetting process before being approved for membership in a group.

My first event was a social held at a local winery. (Believe it or not, New Mexico was the first state to produce wine!) I enjoyed it, felt welcome, and even met a guy I liked a lot.

He told me about a bar he and his friends frequented and explained that the first Saturday night of every month was “Leather and Fetish Night.” He suggested I meet him there, but I said I didn’t have any leather. He said, “just wear some sexy underwear” — only — because that was a fetish. For me, I was thin at the time, so I thought, “what the hell.” (And BTW, I have purchased some leather since then!)

How to Win Friends and Influence People

I went all in and wore a pair (why do they call underwear a pair?) of mesh underwear that I had purchased just for the occasion. It left little to the imagination, but bars are usually dark.

For a while, I was alone, and walking around a bar in my underwear was pretty scary. But given my new weight, I worked it. I had begun a conversation with some guy when my friend showed up. He was wearing jeans and a leather vest. (Note to self: must have a leather vest!)

I was introduced to several people. It was one of those bars where it seemed everyone knew everyone, so I was glad to have him with me. Independently, I did get a few names and numbers.

Afterward, I began to look at, and friend, the names that I had on Facebook. This is where my friend numbers started to soar exponentially. I’d look at a friends’ friends and ask them to accept my friend request based on their profile or looks.

Soon this was spinning out of control!

I continued to use that approach, and as I said, I now have 828 friends, many of whom I’ve never met. But unfortunately, opportunities to meet and socialize became slim when Covid-19 hit. It shuttered the only two truly gay bars here, and many were in quarantine. So that avenue of meeting new people was cut off.

Based on their Facebook profiles, I’ve made overtures to specific people. The message is usually friendly, but in some cases, they’ve turned into conversations that evolve into talking about sex. So this tactic has been relatively successful. But can you just be friends with people you’ve slept with?

Facebook also features numerous groups that cater to specific interests within the LGBTQ community. There are about a dozen of these groups in New Mexico alone. And there are many more on a national basis.

You Have to Be Your Own Search Engine

Going back to Meetup, I was surprised to find some rather risque groups. I found two groups that sanction nudity and sex at their gatherings. So, of course, I joined those! Some people are perfectly chill with it, but I found it unnerving to enter a home with 50 naked men walking around without knowing any of them. But you’re talking to the naive guy who’s never been to a bathhouse!

Many of the groups are about getting together socially at bars or for meals, and there are a few groups based on taking advantage of the great outdoors.

All in all, I think Meetup.com is a good place for anyone to meet people with common threads.

As a gay man would be prone to do, I next used the hookup apps and sites to find friends. Having practically been married for the past eight years, most were new to me, but what a bonanza! Still, friends with benefits are different from, well, friends. The expectation that you will have sex every time you see each other can be stressful.

Beware if you’re over 30: ageism is alive and well on the hookup sites. These apps reminded me that I’m much older than I was the last time I went manhunting.

The other place I looked for friends was Nextdoor. This is a good place if you want to know who your neighbors are, though not all of them subscribe. You can make friends here. There are groups you can join, and even LGBTQ groups. But Nextdoor is mostly about neighbors reporting crimes (in case you haven’t heard, there’s a lot of that here) and lost and found dogs and cats.

Can You Have Too Many Friends?

Conventional wisdom says you can never have too many friends, but I beg to differ.

On Facebook, for instance, it can become a competition. I need to let go of 683 “friends’ based on Dunbar. Know that those 150 relationships are inclusive of family. Given that, I need to let go of way more than 683 to make room for family members that aren’t on Facebook.

At this point, I’m pretty content with the number of friends I have here. It would take away from my free (read: writing) time if I had more, which I never seem to have enough of.

One interesting side note is that when I receive responses to my posts, about 80% come from people I have known a long time, with the other 20% coming from those who I’ve known for three years or less.

Finally, it’s become nothing more than a ball and chain to me as it pertains to Facebook. There has been a lot of chatter lately regarding the future of Facebook. Unfortunately, most paint a rather dim picture. Younger users are on Tik-Tok and Snapchat. Where will they find a new audience as the ones who have matured start dying off?

There are, of course, many other ways to make new friends. The question is, how many do you need? And can you have too many?

Here are a couple more stories of mine you may enjoy in Prism & Pen:

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