About Those Gay Hookup Sites

Wasted Days and Wasted Nights

I wasn’t supposed to be single at 63. But that’s what the dice rolled. After eight years of loyalty and dedication, I got dumped.

One of the first things I did, perhaps out of retaliation, was to look up my old tricks. (Yes, I understand that is a dated term.) I wasn’t going to stand idle and watch my sexual life slip into oblivion. I have a high libido.

I left my hometown of Chicago for the wild, wild western city of Albuquerque. Of course, there were other reasons why I chose here, but I thought that coming from a bigger city, I would be hot shit.

Folks, let me tell you: getting a hookup (the current term for trick) is just as competitive here as it is anywhere.

I did the requisite gay male thing and registered my sexual prowess on the hookup sites. I chose three to begin with: Adam4Adam, Grindr, and Scruff. Unfortunately, some I previously used were no longer relevant (does anyone remember Manhunt?) or in existence.

I carefully crafted a separate profile for each site, noting what might most appeal to their audience. Adam4Adam skewed a little older, Scruff is a bit more corporate, and Grindr — well, anything goes. Chosen photos had to be commensurate with the platform and the copy in my profile.

Somewhere in my last relationship, I must have transitioned to being a daddy — I just didn’t know it. I’d never been called a daddy except jokingly by friends. To me, daddies were much older.

I mean, I’ve been washing that gray right out of my hair for years. Thanks to my parents’ gene pool, I can easily pass for ten years younger. An Adonis I am not, though I could be if I put in the effort. Still, I have a great tan, and a tan daddy with a dad bod looks better than a ghostly one! (Yes, I use 70–100 SPF sunscreen religiously!)

Now, where was I? Oh yeah, the gay hookup sites. There are two more I’ve added to my arsenal: Sniffies, which skews younger but also younger seeking daddies, and Squirt, which skews much older.

There’s a lot to live down when you’re looking for sex on a hookup site. But, unfortunately, you must wear a coat of armor because sooner or later, and then repeatedly, “you’re too old” is going to hit you in the face—ageism at its best.

That is why I have embraced my inner daddy. If they don’t want older, screw ’em. I don’t go out of my way looking for cradles to rob, but if the young un’s are attracted to me, why not go for it? As writer James Finn put it, “hard-bodied daddies are a type, a thing, something to aspire to if you’re my age.” If I’m so concerned about vanity, why am I not at the gym?

Moving right along, these are some of the observations I’ve made after three years on these apps. Many users don’t even have a photograph on their profile. Just a black square. Seriously, would you click on a blank black square?

• There are a lot of headless torsos. They could be attached to anyone. Is it too much to ask for a face picture? Apparently it is, but just as well. Good torsos are hot.
• Many profile pictures are taken in the bathroom. Could they at least close the lid on the toilet? Or crop it out altogether?
• Some pictures of men are taken with them coming right out of the shower, wearing only a towel with beads of water dripping down their…headless torsos. Keep those up! But I still want a face picture.
• I know this is a scam, but I find it humorous. On Adam4Adam in particular, men from 6,974 miles away frequently hit me up. Their profiles often say they’re from Texas City, Galveston, South Florida, or Sedgwick County, Kansas. They typically say they’re looking for the man of their dreams. But the wording is disjointed as if they are foreign. Frequently they’re on a “peacekeeping mission in Afghanistan.” (Can’t use that one anymore!) They’re all bodybuilders, including the skinny ones. They often ask to switch the conversation over to Google Hangouts. WOULD YOU PEOPLE PLEASE STOP???!!!
• For the most part, when you’re not a paying subscriber to these apps, you can’t do shit. Adam4Adam has the best free functionality. When I recently let my subscription lapse on Grindr, I found they took away the functionality that allows you to respond to incoming viewers. I decided to buy back in, but only at the mid-grade plan, not the ultimate one I had before. But I’ve found the middle plan doesn’t give back enough. HOW MUCH DO WE HAVE TO PAY FOR REJECTION???!!!
• You’ll often spend a good deal of time talking to a “prospect,” only to find that they’ve ghosted you the next day. Think of all that time you could have back.

Conclusion

The takeaway from this is time. We only have so much, especially at my age.

Look how much time you’re spending on your phone swiping away and having inane conversations with people who don’t matter.

I’m going to keep a promise to myself, and I swear to abide by it: I’m going to reduce my daily screen time on these apps to no more than one hour a day. That’s all you’re getting of my grandiosity!

Finally, I’m not going to buy subscriptions to these apps anymore. Instead, I’ll subscribe to just one: match.com. (Try it, it works!) That’s where I found my last relationship. If I’m lucky, that will take me to 71, if not older.

With all the money I’ll be saving, I’m also going to look into a gym. Ugh.

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