THE HOOKUP SERIES
Mean Guys: Things Gay Guys Say on Hookup Apps and Sites
We gay guys can be pretty hard on each other.
“You can’t sit with us!” ~Lacey Chabert as Gretchen Wieners in “Mean Girls”
Isn’t it liberating that all you have to do to have sex is pick up your phone? Now we can still scroll for hours looking for the perfect man du jour, as we did when all we had were desktops and laptops. But with the phone apps telling us how close we are to our next potential hookup, finding that guy can be a piece of cake. Unless he’s mean.
That’s so fetch!
I spend a lot of time on hookup sites and apps primarily to write articles like this.
It’s research!
There’s a lot you should know when perusing these sites. I’d attempt a glossary, but it would be way too long for Medium. Besides, why reinvent the wheel? Adam4Adam has one, but it is still incomplete. For instance, it was missing DILF (Dad I’d like to fuck).
OK, truth be told, I’m still pretty naive, and I could not remember what DILF stood for. So I had to Google it just now!
T his article represents hours of “research” on how we represent ourselves online, pulled from various hookup sites. Color is included in the captions as we stroll through a typical day of profiles.
One thing is for sure: we gay guys can be pretty hard on each other. You might feel you never measure up if you’re on the receiving end. (There are so many damn double entendres in gay speak!)
Men put out expectations to which we can’t possibly live up. Here’s an example of what is probably a very good looking man and his wants that may be asking too much:
Things I admire I do possess: a strong but average body, good muscle tone, decent arms, chest hair, facial hair, a high, proud ass, patience, empathy (the list goes on).
Things I admire that I don’t possess: fat cock, big balls, huge arms, great pecs, broad shoulders, wide calves (that list goes on too).
Wouldn’t we all.
Typical Introductions
The BDSM test is an online survey you can take to explore your level of kinkiness. Many guys post their results on their profiles. Here’s one, for example (no, this isn’t mine!)
Surprise! We love our lady friends, but we usually don’t want to have sex with them. Yesterday, I had someone say, “come fuck me in front of my wife.” To me, that’s just icky.
Expectations
They can be overwhelming. Most guys who talk about their muscularity and masculinity have pictures of themselves in the gym or flexing in their mirrors at home. Given how much time these guys spend on themselves, you may not get much of it.
It is expected that your prospect will want to know the size of your dick. Many men can rejoice that the average size of a hard penis is 5.16” long, but don’t go running around saying your 6” cock is “above average.” That seems to be limited to those who are 7”-plus. That’s hung.
Sending the dick pic can be the decisive moment for whether or not you’re going to get laid tonight. Not long enough or girthy enough? You’re probably going to be ghosted.
The Advisors
You may see a steady stream of profiles with four letters, i.e., ENFJ, INTJ, etc. If you’re not familiar, they are personality types — I’ll let the website do the explaining for you. (That is not an affiliate link!) For example, if a guy is an ENFJ, he’s almost sure to tell you because they’re known to be empaths. However, I unknowingly dated an ENFJ who claimed to be an empath but turned out to be a covert narcissist.
Eighty-one percent of assertive ENFJs (ENFJ-A) say their self-confidence is high or very high. So those may be the gym rats.
Some guys want you to know that they have sincere empathy for your condition. Some will want to fix you. In my case, if I mention I have cancer, that’s a sure-fire way to lose a prospect. Most of the advisors speak about depression (which many gay guys suffer from):
And a few will recommend books. I have not read this one, but I am guessing many of you readers and writers out there have:
User Beware
These “tricks of the trade” are more common on some apps than others. I find the most tricksters on Adam4Adam. They will discover you from thousands of miles away, saying that you are their soulmate, and their pictures will be of unbelievably good-looking men. Often they will say they’re in the military, maybe on a peacekeeping mission in some country. Many will say they are widowers. If you reciprocate with them, they’ll eventually ask to move the chat to WhatsApp or Hangouts. It’s all a scam to get your money. Steer clear!
Meanwhile, over on Scruff, you’ll get super good-looking guys hitting on you from throughout the world. They are usually just looking and commenting. But in my experience, I wouldn’t worry about them. It’s been the best app I’ve used to meet men in other cities. And since Scruff tends to skew more upscale, you just might find yourself a daddy!
There is a ploy out there whereby a man claims that he is in a hotel but cannot host because he has his young son with him. However, sending him a GameStop card will keep him occupied while you guys have sex. Aside from it being absurd, if a man is traveling with his son and staying at hotels, he probably has enough money to buy his kid a GameStop card!
With others, they’ll use the gas line: they can travel to you, but they just happen to be out of gas and out of cash, so they’ll need you to send them some first:
Others are downright extortionists. Here’s the trouble I got into recently after giving someone I really trusted (after chatting with him for all of 30 minutes) my phone number:
Then there’s this.
What’s lesson one? Never give out your phone number.
What is lesson two? Never give out your email address. I learned that from lesson one.
Ageism
Finally, there’s this roadblock. If you’re over 30, 40, 50, or 60, or under 50, or 40, or 30 (which includes about everyone), you’ve run into this. Don’t waste your time. If a twenty-something only wants another just like him, why bother? On the other hand, if you are (and I hate this word) older, many younger guys are into older. Don’t be surprised or shocked if you never hear back from your desired demographic because they probably have one also.
There’s more to say, but I’ve said enough for now. Maybe you’ve been around for a while and know these shenanigans. However, if you’re as naive as I am, I hope I’ve given you something to think about. Just weather the storm. In the meantime, I leave you with this:
Here are a couple more stories from Prism & Pen, written for the series before it became a series!
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