I Think I’ll Be A Side

Or How to Not Have Gay Anal Sex

I must be the most naive gay guy ever.

Look, I did not come out until 1998 and had no idea what the fuck I was doing. Not having a gay mentor, I navigated my way through observation and asking questions. (Yes, there are stupid questions.)

The lexicon, the acronyms, which color of bandana went into which back pocket was necessary to know if I was to flourish in this new world.

Even the rainbow was a challenge. I had a long, slim sticker with the gay rainbow I bought for my car, and I had to ask a retail salesperson what color goes on the right. Red, I was told. So what did I do? Red ended up going on the left because of my left-right dyslexia.

Did you ever have one of those days when you just didn’t feel like having anal sex?

No?

Then there’s no reason to read this story. However, if this strikes a chord, read on.

Not long after coming out, I had my first boyfriend and my first anal sex session. Since I was formerly married, I was on top. It was fine. I liked it.

My next boyfriend was a “total top,” as they say, so I had to bottom for the first time.

It did not go well.

The guy who lived above my boyfriend paid us a visit the next day, saying that he did not want to put up with that kind of noise. My boyfriend acknowledged that it wouldn’t happen again, and I put a sock in it thereafter.

My first relationship was with a total top, as was my second. In the time between, I got to top from time to time.

After all that, I’m at a place where I’m not so crazy about anal sex at all. As a top, you can just walk right into a situation and do your business, albeit you are doing most of the work. Bottoming requires heavy maintenance, and I tire of that.

Little did I know that a gay faction out there does not engage in anal sex.

A person like this would be known as a side.

Apparently, the definition of a side has evolved. In 2011, the Urban Dictionary called a side “a man who messes around with other men, but no one would ever know by looking to talking to him.” In other words, a straight guy who likes dick.

I found further information on a blogpost on Adam4Adam, a famous gay hook-up site. It pointed to an entry in Wikipedia, with a 2013 article in the Huffington Post. Contributor and certified and licensed sex and relationship therapist Joe Kort has proposed the term side for gay men who are not interested in anal sex:

Sides prefer to kiss, hug, and engage in oral sex,rimming, mutual masturbation, frottage, and rubbing up and down on each other, to name just a few of the sexual activities they enjoy.

One reader on the blog post stated that “you can get so good at handjobs that they’re as good as fucking”. Another said, “there’s not only top, bottom, and vers. Those of us who aren’t into anal sex are the sides” — ending with a smiley face emoji.

On the other hand, one commented that “men who don’t have anal sex miss out on the deep intimacy and expression of love.”

The majority of the men I see in porn are not experiencing intimacy. They are fucking for the sport of it. Oftentimes the bottom’s face looks like they’re in downright pain yet continue to utter gay porn’s most famous two words: “fuck yeah!” (I’m not saying that intimacy and love cannot exist in anal sex.)

In conclusion, the post ended with a comment that explained, “if same-sex male play weren’t so heavily correlated with anal sex, I’d guess that 80% of men would engage in some form of same-sex exploration or play”.

I’m not sure, but I think this changes the word from a noun to a verb, but I don’t know if or how it can be properly conjugated. I sided? I’m a sider? I choose to side? I’m siding tonight? I’d welcome any inside scoop (pun intended). I’ll let time do its business.

If you want to know more and/or talk to other sides, there is a Facebook page called “Side Guys”. It is administered by Kort (above) and two others. NOTE: you need to be accepted to join this group.

As for me, I’m on the fence. Sitting on the sidelines. I might sidestep the issue when entering into a new relationship. But I will not be sidetracked into believing I am either a top, bottom, or vers, because I might be none of them.

For more information on this topic, please write me at [email protected]. And thanks for reading!