Are You The Reason For Your Sexual Boredom?
There’s only one way to find out.
You probably have a normal sexual relationship with your significant other. You know . . . normal.
You engage in sexual behaviors that you’ve learned early on in your relationship are acceptable. These are routine and common. And you’ve learned to steer clear of other behaviors because they make one or both of you anxious or uncomfortable.
This is normal
After several sexual sessions of togetherness, couples learn to go along with what the other wants and to avoid areas where their partners are hesitant. Basically, we learn to follow our partner’s lead and have learned how willing they are to follow our lead.
Through the process of elimination, you’ve discovered your normal sexual relationship as a couple.
No matter how it plays out for the two of you, you’ve created the following buckets of sexual activities:
The Normal-Way-We-Have-Sex Bucket
The Off-Limits Bucket
The Clash Bucket
Investigating these areas is the only way to find out if you are the cause of why you (and maybe even your partner) are sexually bored.
What’s Normal?
Normal sexual behavior is — for any given couple — what they’ve decided is normal for them. Many people waste time wondering if their sex life is “normal” compared with other red-blooded adults.
What is normal sexual behavior? There is no normal.
According to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, adults report more than 40 different combinations of sexual behaviors as normal for them, ranging from intercourse to shared masturbation.
How much sex is normal? Adults report anywhere from 84 times per year to 10 times per year as normal. The National Opinion Research Center says that 18 to 29-year-olds have sex about 84 times per year. This activity drops off a bit as folks near their 40s, decreasing to 63 sexual encounters per year. And for those who reach their 70s? They report about ten times per year.
There’s no normal sexual orientation, no normal sexual position, and no one normal sexual activity. Even a sexless marriage may be normal for some couples.
So the normal way you have evolved as a couple in your sexual relationship is okay, even if it involves or doesn’t involve:
- celibacy
- oral sex
- role-playing or erotic fantasy
- pornography
- bondage, submission, or domination
- anal sex
Now that you know what is normal for you is normal for you, we have to venture into uncharted territory to find the answer for your sexual boredom.
The Off-Limits Bucket
For every couple — somewhere beyond normal — lies the off-limits bucket.
In a normal sexual relationship, couples get to decide what makes them uncomfortable and what to place in the off-limits bucket. Whatever is left over becomes a part of your normal, mutually-acceptable sexual behavior.
Very simple, right? Just a matter of elimination.
It doesn’t matter what’s in the off-limits bucket; what matters is that you’ve both put these items into this bucket, and, for you two, this is normal.
As you continue to sift through the bucket of The-Normal-Way-We-Have-Sex, boredom is almost guaranteed. That doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with either of you. It’s human nature to get bored with the same thing over and over.
But unless you’re daring enough to create a novel experience, you’re going to continue to be bored. That’s just the way our minds work.
The solution?
Venture beyond your comfort zone and take a peek — together — into the off-limits bucket.
There are plenty of ways to explore and modify the options you’ve placed there. Taking a look inside this bucket and getting creative may raise your anxiety level. It may even challenge your identity, but creating novelty and reaching beyond your routine repertoire is the key to curing boredom — even in the bedroom.
Remember, loving relationships don’t always make you feel secure and safe. Growing as human beings is quite uncomfortable, stretching us and forcing us to see things differently and respond to life in different ways.
I’d go so far as to say that close, loving relationships are exactly what allow us to face the discomfort that growth brings, allowing us to become more sexually mature human beings. This process is called self-differentiation and it affects every relationship in your life.
I’m not suggesting you do something you’re not comfortable with. But I am recommending that you be willing to explore, with your partner, the potential opportunities for eroticism, desire, and play that have previously been off the table.
Talk about how these things make you feel. What’s in the bucket that sparkles for your partner? What’s in the bucket that excites you?
Is there something in there that makes you feel aroused and repulsed at the same time? Talk about it!
Can you imagine a way to explore a new-to-you sexual activity that would be fun and creative? Talk about it!
If there’s something in the bucket that you both can’t bear to touch, by all means, leave it at the bottom of the bucket. But consider that there may be several things you could pull out that could be modified to suit your tastes.
Warning: When you are unwilling to discuss items in the off-limits bucket that spark your partner’s interest, they are likely to get tossed into the clash bucket.
The Clash Bucket
When one person wants to try something new but it’s “off-limits” for their partner (who won’t even discuss it), that’s a sign it’s in the clash bucket. And when sexual behaviors end up in the clash bucket, it could mean relationship conflict.
Sometimes partners don’t want to venture anywhere near the limits of what is normal. It’s too uncomfortable. It’s too vulnerable. They won’t discuss it.
Bring it up and you’ll most likely fight about it.
This is how it works
Couples in long-term relationships spend a lot of time learning each other’s sexual preferences and limits. They understand their partner’s desires, what’s turns them on or off, and what helps them reach the Big O.
After a while, couples have learned all there is to learn about the other. They have discussed all there is to discuss about their sexuality as a couple, perhaps even everything in the off-limits bucket.
The only things left to talk about are the things they haven’t talked about: the clash bucket.
In order to spice things up or outrun sexual boredom, your partner may bring up something that’s been of interest to him or her because you keep putting it back in the off-limits bucket.
When an item does make it out of the bucket and on to the table, however, it has the potential to bring you closer together or push you apart, depending on how you handle it.
Think about it like this
Novelty in a sexual relationship isn’t just about sexual behaviors.
According to anthropologist Helen Fisher, balancing the need for sexual variety along with the need for pair-bonding and sexual exclusivity is a normal, human tension. And every committed couple — regardless of gender expression or sexual orientation — has experienced it on some level.
Novelty is a mental construct that keeps life interesting and our brains sharp.
Exploring what’s inside the clash bucket doesn’t mean putting these things in the normal bucket. The clash bucket is simply an opportunity to learn more about your partner and to let them learn more about you. You get a look into your partner’s sexual mind as they reveal what was previously hidden and you do the same.
There is growth when you can share at this level with your partner. Taking a chance at being vulnerable and exposing something new to your partner means your relationship is maturing.
So instead of letting the items sit in the clash bucket, you use them as a way to learn more about your partner and let them learn more about you. That doesn’t mean you have to do all or any of those things, but it does mean you use those moments of discussion as exploration into your relationship.
Use the off-limits and clash items to delve into each others fantasies and desires, to share the limits of your own sexual imagination, and to explore the ultimate frontier of your relationship. This is how sexual boredom is cured.
And if you’re the one continually putting items into the off-limits and clash buckets without discussion, then you’re causing your own boredom. Being open and willing to discuss what’s in the buckets is the key to ensuring you’re not the cause of your own, or your partner’s, sexual boredom.
Use the off-limits and the clash buckets to add novelty to your relationship instead of letting them shake up your relationship.