Self-differentiation
It’s affecting your relationships
Even if you’ve never heard of self-differentiation, it impacts every relationship in your life.
Self-differentiation is a term thrown around a lot in the world of psychology. It’s about being able to distinguish your feelings from someone else’s feelings. This separation of emotions allows the balance between being an individual and being in a relationship.
Nobody in their right mind would give up their individuality to be in a relationship any more than they’d give up their relationship to maintain their individuality — unless the relationship were harmful, of course.
Self-differentiation is about finding the sweet spot.
I + I = We
You may have heard this before:
It takes two complete people to make
one complete relationship.
We’re all driven toward being individuals, but we’re equally driven toward being in relationships. So, to be in a relationship successfully means you have to have two separate people who are strong emotionally and able to connect with each other without becoming dependent on that emotional connection.
But it’s not as easy as 1 + 1 = emotional intimacy.
Being in a relationship means connecting with another person and letting yourself be known by that person — by exposing parts of yourself that sometimes you’d rather keep hidden. Often, accompanying this level of vulnerability are a slew of powerful emotions: vulnerability, fear of rejection, or guilt.
How do we allow deep, vulnerable emotions without being swallowed up by them and losing ourselves in the process?
How do we maintain a sense of self while being emotionally close to another person?
How do we disagree with someone important to us while maintaining our own sense of self at the same time?
The Answer is Differentiation
In his book, Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch wrote, “Differentiation is your ability to maintain your sense of self when you are emotionally and/or physically close to others — especially as they become increasingly important to you.”
Often people approach romantic relationships with the idea that they’re tying a constrictor knot — creating a bond of togetherness that will never loosen. They entertain the idea that the two who just became one will live a glorious life of unison.
When I feel like having sex, she’ll feel like having sex.
When he feels like eating, I’ll feel like eating.
Like synchronized swimmers lifting and lilting together in perfect harmony, togetherness will be a lifetime of emotional unity.
Faulty relationship expectations aside; eventually, we all figure out that long-term relationships are nothing like conjoined twins who often share internal organs and nervous systems. Conjoined twins have no choice but to be influenced when their sibling is kicking up a storm of dopamine or epinephrine in their nervous system.
But romantic partners do have choices. When your partner is overwhelmed with feelings, your level of differentiation will determine how you respond. If they’re upset, you can choose to hold on to your own perspective. You are not emotionally fused to this person; you can choose not to be upset and not to get swept up in how they’re feeling.
It is possible to disagree with someone, even someone you care very deeply about, and not end up feeling bitter or alienated from them. The key is your level of differentiation.
The Two Distinctions of Self-differentiation
Self-differentiation isn’t about me vs we. It’s not me as an individual vs us as a couple. It’s not about more communication or self-disclosure.
It’s about developing a solid sense of self — knowing who you are, what you stand for, what you believe, what you know, where you’re going — and not being easily influenced when friends, family, or lovers press you to conform or agree with them.
To develop a solid sense of self, you need to master these two distinctions:
- Understand the difference between your thoughts and your emotions. Thoughts and feelings come in pairs (they definitely influence each other), making it challenging to peel them apart. The key is to name the emotion by identifying the feeling behind it and naming the associated thoughts. The feeling of betrayal is a great example. Betrayal isn’t a feeling; it’s an action that our thoughts label as betrayal, but the feelings might be sadness, hurt, or anger. Betrayal is one experience: an action (labeled by our thoughts) resulting in emotions (tagged by our feelings). Betrayal is not an emotion. Another important example is the “I feel stupid” experience. The thought is I am stupid, but the emotions are often shame or sadness. Feeling stupid isn’t an emotion either.
- Understand the difference between your experiences and the experiences of others. Emotions can be contagious and are the reason it can be difficult to know the difference between what you’re experiencing and what someone else is experiencing. We are in relationships from the moment we’re born and at the mercy of the dynamics and structures of our families. Even though humans are wired to influence each other emotionally (both positively and negatively), we have the ability to find our equilibrium as individuals. For example, when someone is experiencing anxiety, knowing where your emotions begin and end surrounding their current experience of anxiety is crucial. Their experience and feelings are anxiety. Your experience and feelings are separate and may be empathy or concern. Understanding the difference between your own thoughts and emotions is the key to separating your experiences from the experiences of others.
Differentiation is what allows BOTH individuality and emotional connection with others.
When you know that you’re emotionally distinct, that your point of view matters (even if only to you), that your feelings aren’t controlled by another person’s feelings, words, or actions then you’re able to remain connected to that person without being consumed by them. You can remain connected to those you disagree with because you still know who YOU are.
Steps Toward Self-differentiation You Can Take Today
Practice self-awareness. Check-in with yourself regularly. Step back and ask yourself what you’re feeling, what you’re experiencing. Use journaling or meditation to help make the distinction.
Journal about your thoughts and feelings, search for the lines that separate them. Spend time discovering thought words vs feeling words.
Take a walk. Stepping away from a situation is a great way to separate your thoughts and feelings and identify your own experiences. Notice how you’re feeling outside of the situation. Identify your thoughts and name your unique experiences, so it’s clear in your head when you reengage.
Meditate. Mediation is a great way to identify inner experiences. Even if you spend 5 or 10 minutes, it’s worth it. Being able to notice what’s going on inside of yourself and labeling those feelings and experiences is crucial to mastering self-differentiation.
