So You Want To Have An Orgasm?

What women can do to narrow the orgasm gap

Orgasms shouldn’t be the goal of sex, I know. But come on! Who are we fooling? We know everybody wants it. We also know that finding the sweet spot can be challenging sometimes, especially for women.

We’ve all had our moments of hitting rock bottom when it just doesn’t happen. And in that moment of utter frustration, it just proves all the more what we’re feeling: orgasms are a huge part of sexual satisfaction and pleasure and women just aren’t having enough of them.

I’m not complaining but . . . an orgasm gap?

Multiple studies — here’s one from the Archives of Sexual Behavior — have proven that men orgasm far more often than their female counterparts. In her book, Becoming Cliterate, Dr. Laurie Mintz calls it the “orgasm gap.”

It’s definitely a thing but we don’t have sit by as the gap widens and our sex lives fizzle. Let’s clear up some misunderstandings and point out the roadblocks that are keeping us from reaching the coveted female orgasm.

Communicate Openly

Prof. Osmo Kontula, from the Population Research Institute in Finland, questioned over 8000 females about their sexual experiences. Kontula found that the key to more frequent orgasms is tied to mental and relationship factors.

Kontula wrote, “These factors and capacities included orgasm importance, sexual desire, sexual self-esteem, and openness of sexual communication with partners.”

She found that being in an open and healthy relationship, having the ability to concentrate, initiating sex, and having a partner with good technique helps considerably. I hate to point this out, Dr. Kontula, but the part about good technique is not news to us.

Technique aside, here are tips for communicating openly.

1. Initiate a sexual conversation with your partner.

Kontula claims that “openness of sexual communication with partners” is a large part of the mental landscape that must happen for women to orgasm frequently. Speaking honestly with your partner about your desires and pleasures is part of a relationship that promotes orgasm for women. Open up and don’t be afraid to invite your partner to your orgasm party!

2. Reveal yourself.

During the act of sex share your thoughts and feelings, something about your partner, your sexual relationship, or about being intimate. Whatever surfaces when you’re together is fair game for sharing. This level of vulnerability isn’t easy but will allow you to stay connected to your partner and avoid going through the motions.

Eliminate Physical Issues

To optimize your ability to orgasm you have to do a quick head-to-toe check.

Drugs

The same medications and hormones that interfere with desire and arousal can put the breaks on orgasms too. Drugs like antidepressants, anti-anxiety meds, or anti-hypertensives are all known to impair orgasms. If you’re on these drugs and they’re pulling the shade down on your sex life, a visit to your doctor is recommended.

Body: Illness and Injury

Many health conditions, medical procedures, or injuries can interfere with reaching orgasm. Common medical problems are strokes or heart attacks, diabetes, cancer, kidney failure, alcoholism, or neurological conditions that affect the senses such as multiple sclerosis, headaches, or migraines. Often treatments for medical conditions can leave people feeling fatigued, nauseated, or self-conscience of scars or amputations.

Injuries from sports, recreation, or work can greatly impact the body’s ability to relish or respond to sexual enjoyment. Everything from spinal fractures to loss of mobility or dexterity can play a huge role in desiring and engaging in the sexual act, let alone reach orgasm.

There may be times, as you’re working through medications, illness, or injury, that your sex life will suffer and orgasms will be on your most-wanted list. But don’t despair. Your body isn’t the enemy.

Here are things women can do now to turn the tide toward becoming orgasmic:

1. Determine for yourself how your medical problems are impacting your sex life and your feelings of satisfaction with it. Pin down exactly what’s bothering you. Painful sex? Reaching orgasm? Arousal difficulty? Be honest with yourself.
2. Visit your primary care provider or gynecologist for a checkup and an upfront discussion about the sexual problem you’re facing — the one you identified above. It’s okay to speak openly, your doctor knows you have a sex life.
3. Improve your diet to optimize your health and give your body the best chance of healing and health. After decades of study, the Mediterranean Diet comes highly recommended by doctors and nurses. Check with your provider prior to making drastic changes to your diet, especially if you’re taking medication.
4. Educate yourself about the medical impacts of your specific condition and associated treatments. Ask your nurse or doctor. Search Dr. Google with caution, but know there can be some helpful information online from others who are facing similar challenges. Find specialists in your problem area and seek their input.
5. Rest and exercise often as these are key ingredients to feeling better about yourself, your body, and your ability to orgasm. You’ll have more physical endurance and responsiveness for the act itself. And don’t forget the boost it will provide for your self-esteem and physical appearance.

Special Note: If difficulty with orgasms, arousal, or desire is a new problem or if you have on-going health issues, a trip to your doctor should be the first step in ruling out medical issues that could be standing between you and the big O.

Turn Up the Stimulation

Ah, the cascade of senses, physical changes, and feelings that escort Ms. O into the ballroom can be amazing. Apart from the actual peak of orgasm, all the wonderful sensations leading up to that moment of inevitability are what we seek. The vexation comes in spotting your own surge of the senses.

Recognizing the deluge of responses, tingles, and excitement that precede your mountain peak is your responsibility. It’s somewhat different for everyone but you have to know what pushes your buttons and how much stimulation you need to reach that epic moment. If you don’t know, who does?

Here are a few things to consider.

1. Learn your body’s threshold for orgasm. The easiest way to do this is through masturbation. When you’re alone, it’s easier to figure out what feels good and what is needed for you to reach new heights. I don’t care what your grandma says, it’s okay to discover and master your own body. The benefits of masturbation are 1) you’re more likely to orgasm without the distractions of a partner, and 2) you learn to accept your body and what it needs to climax. You need this time to learn about the deep pleasures of your body, including the energy and focus needed to find it. Learning the magnitude and limits of your own body will allow you to engage in sexual activity with another person minus the angst and anxiety. It’s a win-win!
2. Knowing your threshold for orgasm is important but the other side of the coin is knowing how you like to be stimulated. The nub of the vulva — the clitoris — has “a rich network of nerve endings.” Its sole purpose is to bring you pleasure. I’ll skip the anatomy lesson, but know that the receptors of the clitoris and the penis are very similar (not exact). Stimulation, therefore, varies with each individual and comes in all shapes and speeds. Get to know what explodes your bomb. Slow and fast, hard and soft, up and down, in and out, here, not there. Only you know what works for you.
3. Relax and enjoy the sexual act. Not so easy sometimes, but this will hasten the onset of orgasm. If you’re having trouble getting there more often than not, here is a conversation you should have with yourself: what is keeping me from relaxing and enjoying sex with my partner? What is keeping me from relaxing and enjoying masturbation? Don’t let a little soul searching stand between you and your heart’s desire. As you learn to chill, you — and your body — will be riding the pleasure wave in a whole new way.
4. As soon as you have one orgasm, move on to number two. Yes, women can have multiple orgasms — more than one orgasm in a single sex session. And once you’ve had one, it’s easier to have another because your body is primed, your mind is prepped, and your sexual energy is boiling. Think of it this way, the first orgasm was you enjoying the journey on your way to the next one. Why would you stop at one?

Alter Your Sexual Style

Don’t be too quick to convince yourself there’s only one way to go about pushing the love button. There’s something to be said for changing things up or trying something new. Indeed, riding the learning curve could be just the thing you need to reach your peak.

But before you go buy Fifty Shades of Grey as a how-to guide for turning your office into a dedicated sex room, consider these things.

1. Realize that not all sexual touch with your partner, with or without intercourse, will provide enough physical stimulation for you to reach orgasm and that’s okay. It’s likely your partner doesn’t touch you the same way you touch yourself. Regardless, it’s important to realize this and make modifications such as taking turns “giving” and “receiving” stimulation or stimulating yourself while your partner provides additional stimulation. Giving yourself permission to synthesize different types of stimulation into your sexual world will up the odds of reaching your orgasm goals.
2. Put the “receiver” in control.
3. Nix the simultaneous stimulation for a while and become the receiver. As the receiver, you’re in control of the stimulation, you direct the touch, you call the shots. This approach will allow you to fine-tune what is working, to lean into your partner’s touch, and to learn more about your body and what it needs to climax. Being a good receiver requires that you share with your partner the inner processes of what’s going on inside of you. Share your eroticism. Speak your desires. Set the pace.
4. Give up your ideas of what sex is supposed to be. If you still think that women should reach orgasm through intercourse alone, you may never find the elusive beast. One of the largest studies on the female orgasm found that only 18% of women experienced orgasm through sexual intercourse alone. If you’re having orgasm issues, now’s the time to change things up because 34% of women reported they require direct clitoral stimulation and another 36% said orgasm was better with direct clitoral touch.
5. Try oral. In one study, researchers found that women are less likely to receive oral sex than they are to give it. Don’t be that woman because another study showed that women who orgasm more frequently are likely to receive more oral sex. Besides the fact that it feels great — big O or no big O — do not shy away from giving the gift of receiving oral sex.

The female orgasm has been sidelined for too long. We don’t have to fixate on orgasms but if we want to possess them, we’re going to have to be purposeful and make them a priority. We have to go after what we want.

All women are entitled to pleasure and multiple orgasms, so what are you waiting for? Let’s narrow the gap.