Receiving Oral Sex Is Actually a Form of Giving

For Some Receiving May Be Harder Than Giving

Now that I’ve got the attention of every male on the planet, give me a minute to wave all the female folk over.

Great! Welcome everyone . . . whatever your sexual orientation we all have a thing or two to learn when it comes to the part of the sex act that can give some people a full-body cringe.

Spoiler: This article contains no x-rated scenes. Sorry.

We don’t need oral sex to procreate, so what good is it? Some believe that oral sex evolved to be used in place of intercourse to avoid pregnancy when there are no contraceptive options available.

Some people have placed the oral sex act in a group labeled “non-sexual activity” so that by engaging in it, one can retain their virginity while being intimate. However, for those who live across the street in the polar-opposite campsite, oral sex is a special kind of sex labeled “sin” if allowed outside of marriage.

For the rest of us, oral sex is just oral sex.

With all the various ideas and confusion surrounding this carnal gem, it’s no wonder some people have trouble giving and receiving it. And to make it even more complex, this portion of sexual desire — the oral sex part — can make both parties a little uncomfortable, at least initially.

On every level oral sex is messy, intimate, and so very personal. We don’t have time to unpack all the social context surrounding oral sex, but a few popular ones you may have encountered are . . .

Some males have come to “expect” it as a part of the natural order of things in the bedroom.

Some males have been conditioned by their partners to act as if oral sex doesn’t exist.

Some females have written it off altogether, both giving and receiving, not because they don’t want to give but because they cannot feel comfortable receiving.

Some females love giving and receiving but feel they are in the minority, so keep it on the down-low, even from their partners.

With these constructs — and more — floating around, oral sex can impact a relationship deeply if a couple is unable to be truthful about their feelings surrounding this unique pleasure. Oral sex is one of those things that takes just as much vulnerability to talk about as it takes to fully enjoy.

So the only way to understand how to give and receive this amazing gift is to secure a solid sense of self.

And a great place for this delicate and vulnerable work to happen is within the security of a committed relationship. Although oral sex can happen in any loving relationship — I mean, a tongue feels great just about anywhere it lands — securing a solid sense of self doesn’t just happen anywhere.

A Sense of Self

As you know, both body and mind are involved in experiencing sexual pleasure. We’ve all heard of lost erections and low sexual desire. That’s because feelings of pressure, inadequacy, or nervousness can trump physical responses in seconds.

So it’s not unlikely to find that the power of receiving oral sex lies somewhere within us.

The sense of self you possess right now has been decades in the making. You have developed certain characteristics and values from coping with those around you, including your family while growing up. Through the years you’ve developed certain abilities and beliefs as you’ve interacted with your school mates and your partner. You’ve created your personality and reality through the relationships you’ve encountered and your neurons are wired accordingly.

This sense of self — knowing who you are — is a fundamental part of your sexual self. The manner in which your personality developed in regard to giving and receiving is exactly how you interpret giving and receiving sex, including oral sex. In this sense, our brains, bodies, and relationships are connected and sexual desire plays a key role in this.

Facing your true feelings about giving and receiving, in general, is owning your sense of self. In other words, having a clearer sense of who you are is critical to becoming the confident person who can both give and receive oral sex.

The Power of Giving

The first step to giving oral sex is understanding how you feel about giving to others.

Are you comfortable helping out? Or is it a sign of weakness? Does giving oral sex make you uncomfortable? If so, do you know why? Or does it bring out the prowess of play? Do you look down on people who enjoy giving?

If giving isn’t your thing, it’ll show up in the bedroom because you’re certain to be a lousy giver there too. Whether you’ve discussed oral sex as a couple or not, your partner knows. He has a sense of how comfortable you are when giving. He knows if you’re enjoying yourself. And she knows. She knows how you really feel about giving. She knows what not to ask for. She knows how far to go before things get weird and awkward.

The Power of Receiving

Additionally, the first step to receiving oral sex is understanding how you feel about taking from another person.

Can you accept freely? Without conditions? Does it make you feel needy? Did you grow up being shamed when asking for help? Or are you able to quiet yourself and simply receive? Are you able to realize the care and love that is intended when something is offered to you?

If you hold reservations about receiving you will most likely be a lousy receiver in the bedroom too. If you’re just going through the motions to make the other person happy, they know it — whether you’ve talked about it or not. Being unable to center yourself and accept what your partner is giving you is, in essence, a refusal.

Mind-Blowing Connection

This might be a hard one to grasp, but hear me out. Oral sex has the capacity to be more than sex. The ability to master both giving and receiving is the key to enjoying, not only oral sex but your partner as well. It’s an opportunity to connect your minds and bodies.

Oral sex is one of those things that grow best when planted indoors, enjoying cozy days under fluorescent light — or in some cases, a darkened room is preferred— before being planted in the garden to flourish in the sun and soil. A tongue with rhythm and a finger in the right place are all just the tip of the iceberg.

If you want to give your partner the gift of connection and desire, then try this.

Be the person who receives what their lover offers because fully receiving creates connection.

Do the inner work it takes to become comfortable with your body and your feelings so that you’re able to receive with joy what is being given to you.

Silence the voice inside your head: What are they going to want in return? Now you’ve obligated yourself.

Let go of the reigns: I’m not in control right now, but that’s okay because this is coming from a generous heart.

Overcome the negative feelings: I’m selfish for accepting and enjoying this.

Embrace the thrill of surrender: I don’t have to do anything right now except enjoy what I’m being given.

This level of vulnerability with a lover is rare but possible. If you desire a connection of trust and reciprocity without strings or obligations, then to start, receiving has to come from the best parts of yourself, just like giving does. This isn’t work that is done casually but it is worth it.

Giving is great but if you want your lover to feel loved, learn to accept. When you receive from them, they feel validated and accepted. And what greater gift is there on this planet than to be accepted by another person?

What’s holding you back from giving the gift of receiving?