Understanding Sexual Function

What’s really required to make our genitals “work”?

There’s nothing quite like a clinical discussion of the complex aspects of human sexuality to kill the actual desire for sex. But sometimes, when we step outside the bedroom and understand how things work, it makes for better times inside the bedroom. Grasping the silent innuendoes of sexual function is one of those things we could all benefit from understanding.

Sexual function is a fragile mix of components that add up to equal the total level of stimulation you need to respond sexually and to orgasm. These include the right amount and quality of physical stimulation, your body’s responsiveness to the stimulation, and your inner world.

But first, we have to address the basics of sexual response.

Sexual Responses are Reflexes

This is the non-sexy part of the discussion. If you’re prone to thinking that sex is all about hot and wild positions and kinky techniques, you may want to skip this part because the truth may break your heart.

Orgasms and genital responses are nothing more than reflexes. Just like the knee-jerk reflex — you know, when the nurse practitioner strikes your knee with a rubber hammer and your leg jerks forward — a reflex of the autonomic nervous system . . . for the most part.

When your brain, nerves, and muscles detect stimuli that is recognized as sexual, your body — aka your genitals — responds. Genital responses include lubrication and erection and usually feel much better than a knee-jerk reflex. When the hammer hits the knee with just the right amount of stimulation, there’s a reaction. When the body is hit with just the right amount of sexual stimulation, there’s a genital reaction.

The same is true for orgasm. When your brain, nerves, and muscles encounter the right amount of sexual stimulation, you experience orgasm. It’s like there’s a pull-up bar and if you can find the right level of oomph to pull yourself up over the hump, you’ve completed a pull-up. It’s the same for orgasm and, you probably already know this, but once there’s enough of the right kind of stimulation, you get there.

Now, let’s analyze the parts of sexual function.

The Right Amount and Quality of Physical Stimulation

This is a major ingredient of sexual function. Sensory input is crucial to being aroused and reaching orgasm. There are many kinds of stimulation but, generally, when there are numerous types of stimulation, and they are of superb quality, the better your total level of stimulation (and satisfaction).

I wish I could say that it’s as simple as “touch here, like this” or “over there, like that.” But it doesn’t have to do with exacts such as how fast/slow, how hard/soft, or how long/short.

The Basics. A clean, fresh-smelling body and bed will work better than a body without a bath lying on crumpled sheets. Some people enjoy music screeching or lights blaring while others prefer the sound of raindrops and the flicker of nightlights. Sensory inputs mingle in our minds differently but play a huge role in stimulating our physical beings.

No matter how great a lover you may be pay attention to the senses, all of them.

Amount and Quality. Erogenous zones and sexual positions have their place but more importantly, quality physical stimulation is void of rushing toward intercourse and expecting orgasms. It involves a range of touches and caresses that are encountered and felt for as long as, or as short as, it takes to be aware of what you’re experiencing.

For example, during a sexual encounter when you sense that you or your partner’s expectations of arousal and orgasm aren’t happening, you may tend to compensate by rubbing harder or moving faster — trying to sure up the lost expectation. At the moment you sense things aren’t going well, come back to the present moment and focus on quality for as long as you’re both comfortable. Pay attention to what you’re both experiencing in the moment.

The best way to focus on quality is to touch like you’ve just found something you treasure! Remember, it’s impossible to touch something you value without admiring it with your eyes.

Your Body’s Ability to Respond

Everyone has a specific threshold of sexual stimulation and each body varies greatly regarding how much total stimulation is needed for arousal and orgasm. This is normal. Not only does the total stimulation change for each person, but the total stimulation needed to reach arousal or orgasm can change throughout the lifespan.

Medical problems and medications, stress and aging can all alter the amount of total stimulation needed for sexual functioning.

Medications and certain health conditions can inhibit sexual responses, increasing the total amount of stimulation needed to enjoy sex. Anti-depressants and anti-hypertensive medications often interfere with the body’s ability to become aroused and reach orgasm.

Stress can interfere with sexual functioning on several levels. A common example is erectile dysfunction, where no amount of or increase in quality of physical stimulation can alter the outcome.

Aging slows responsiveness and may affect speed and firmness of erections, but aging doesn’t destroy the capacity for sex. Once estrogen or testosterone challenges are addressed, older adults can enjoy sexual arousal and orgasm for decades. In fact, older women are often more comfortable with their eroticism and orgasm easier. And many older men are able to relax, realizing they have nothing to prove, and learn to enjoy the experience of sex vs racing toward the finish line.

Realize that to have “normal” sexual function, the complex biochemistry of your genitals has to be intact. Theses sensations must be transmitted by your body to your brain, spine, and nerves and back to your genitals again. Anything that interferes with this process will reduce your ability to be aroused, reach orgasm, and feel sexually satisfied.

Your Inner World: Thoughts, Feelings, Emotions

Believe it or not, your brain plays a role in sexual functioning. Okay, of course you know that. But we’re not talking about sexual fantasy. And we’re not talking about jumping into bed, tuning out your partner, and focusing on your loins.

The physical sensations that make up sexual function have to be organized in your brain and processed as a pleasurable experience. When we’re upset or distracted, sexual stimulation doesn’t feel the same, regardless of the amount or quality. This is why “touch here, like this” or “over there, like that” isn’t the answer. It’s not just about the kind of touching or the type of stimulation.

When your partner touches you in a way that is uncomfortable or that you feel is inappropriate, it is unlikely that your genitals will become aroused, let alone reach orgasm. And when sex is about proving yourself or making someone like you, these insecurities surface as nervousness and stress, interfering with your ability to become aroused and reach orgasm. Often we may think we need more physical stimulation to reach our threshold — longer, harder, more.

But sex will blossom (and thresholds shift) when we are able to be involved and more present in the sexual experience itself. When our thoughts, emotions, and feelings combine to bring meaning to sex, our sexual thresholds are often quite low.

Understanding what makes our genitals “work” involves bringing meaning to the sexual act itself by connecting to another person and feeling comfortable in your body. It’s about how your body is able to respond to the amount and quality of physical stimulation so you can find your personal threshold for arousal and orgasm. It can be complex, but, if you let it, understanding sexual functioning is the first step to having the best sex of your life.