How’s Your Sexual Desire?
Understanding the nuance that connects sex with desire
We all know that when sex is worth wanting — and is available — we want it. But what about when we don’t want it? What then?
Giving Sexual Desire A Second Look
Humans don’t give sexual desire much thought unless it’s missing in action. When things are surging and enlarging, we’re happy to go with the flow and cave to the tide of desire. When sexual desire works it seems natural and effortless.
But if sexual desire is natural, then wouldn’t it follow that we’d all want it all the time? That it would never dip or wane? And what if you discover within yourself that something as natural as sexual desire is lacking, does that mean you’re lacking? That you’re broken? That your sexual desire is dried up and gone and you’re defective?
If sexual desire is natural, then whose fault is it when sexual desire is running low or absent?
What is Sexual Desire?
Have you ever been so thirsty and needed a glass of water so badly you would have paid your last dime for it? That’s not what sexual desire is like. Sexual desire is not a natural hunger or physical drive. And viewing it in this way hides its complexity and true attributes.
Sexual desire is more like the structure of matter. There are solids, liquids, and gases. There are neutrons, electrons, atoms, and molecules. To explain how these all fit together in different forms and how they interact takes hundreds of perplexing stories that fill thousands of science books and torture millions of 8th graders year after year. In other words, it’s complex.
So to understand the system of sexual desire inside humans, let’s take it piece by piece.
The Principle Parts of Sexual Desire
Biological Programming. We’re all subject to the biological programming of sexual desire in the sense that sex has an evolutionary basis. There are hormones, pheromones, and brain chemistry left over from our ancestors that form the biological influence that underpins the entire sexual system. You can’t do anything about this part, you just have to know it’s there.
Craving and Gratification. This is the libido part that most people are familiar with and often refer to as the sex drive. This is based on the idea that we tend to organize our sexual energy around pleasure and craving. We seek what feels good and avoid what feels bad. It’s the pleasure principle at its best. This area includes the idea of relieving tensions or satisfying sexual itches. It’s what most of us equate as sexual desire.
Chemistry and Vibes. This element dates back to prehistoric times. We can sense when someone is sexually interested. We call it “sexual vibes.” The ability of humans to read each other stretches beyond feelings of sexual desire but it is a vital part of the interpersonal communication that we experience as a species. Some are more sensitive to this area but it definitely plays a role in sexual desire.
The Overlooked Parts of Sexual Desire
Need for Togetherness. Our species has evolved in groups and longing for togetherness is a large part of those growth patterns. This hunger for pair-bonding surfaces as we crave physical contact such as touch, taste, warmth, and smell.
Depth and Intensity. This is our capacity for passion. Passion isn’t a biological urge or mindless lust. There is depth and intensity to sexual desire that involves the tempting flavors of longing, craving, and fury that surface and reflects in our emotional desires for our lovers. We may recognize it within ourselves more as sexual aggression, enthusiasm, intentional lust, or ardor. When people complain of a low sexual desire, this is usually the piece they’re referring to.
Meaning. Humans have the capacity and the desire to express themselves in multiple ways. Unlike animals, we have the ability to turn sex into intimacy if we choose. We are happy to include activities such as courting and flirting to the mix because these add another layer of meaning to the relationship. We have the ability to turn a sexual encounter into something deep and meaningful because we know the different meanings between a one-night-stand and a long-term matrimony.
Eroticism. Our sexual preferences, behaviors, and styles play a huge role in sexual desire. Eroticism is the way we want to be with our partners, it’s the ways we desire to engage them. Our mental sexual worlds have been encoded by our upbringings and experiences, leaving their marks and directly influencing how we navigate sharing our sexual inclinations and predilections. Our eroticism is personal and, if shared, allows a connection of vulnerability with our partners.
Culture. As much as I hate to bring the world into the bedroom, society shapes what turns us on and how we experience and understand our own desires. There are cultures in which women’s breasts are “sexy” and others in which they are no more interesting than feet. The way that your society defines sex and sexual satisfaction has had an impact on you whether you know it or not.
Okay enough with the psycho-babble and fancy words. I get it, you say. Sexual desire has a laundry list of delicate dynamics that impact its presence and function. So what?
If It’s Not Mother Nature, Then Who The Heck Is In Charge?
As you can see, hormones and cravings don’t run the show as much as we’d like to think. It’s more involved. Sexual desire is a complex combination of genetic programming and life experiences that produce quite a mosaic of sexual nuance and variety that is as individual as each human being. That’s pretty intricate.
The short answer to who’s in charge of your sexual desire is . . . your brain.
Sexual Desire, meet Mr. Neocortex
“There’s nothing like sexual desire to keep your words from having anything to do with your thoughts.” Marcel Proust, French writer and critic
Humans can think about sex and sexual desire. Even though Mr. Proust touted the idea that there is little to no contact between our reproductive organs and our minds, that just isn’t true. And even though there are plenty of examples of people having sex without using a single brain cell, that doesn’t make it true either.
The world inside our heads plays a huge role in our sexual potential and the nuances of our desires. We are capable of more than simply going into heat. One of the skills of the neocortex is to modulate sexual impulses, provide an understanding of our sexual desires, and direct the “biological drives” we experience.
Humans are unique in that they have the ability to attribute meaning to the sexual act. We can thank the neocortex for this. However, our ability to make sex meaningful is what allows humans to be susceptible to sexual dysfunction such as low sexual desire. That’s why sexual desire isn’t natural and isn’t just chemistry.
Society emphases the hormones and the horniness of sex which are driven by lesser “mammalian” and “reptilian” portions of the brain. The mammalian brain, or cortex, is the limbic center responsible for emotion. The reptilian brain is primitive and controls digestion, excrement, and breathing.
Under most circumstances we want our neocortex to determine our sexual behavior. You want to choose your sexual partners. You want to be chosen by someone special. Only the neocortex can help you desire who you want to have sex with, how you want to do it, why you want to do it, and what it will mean to you.
The neocortex makes it possible to differentiate between a loving union or natural selection. It allows for creative sexual encounters instead of mating and choosing a partner instead of rutting. When the neocortex is running things, it’s not just controlling your desires, it’s involved in creating what you want from fantasies and longings to originality and lust.
How’s Your Sexual Desire?
Now that we’ve dove into the complex elements of sexual desire, let’s run a quick thermometer over your sexual desire forehead.
1.Does your sexual desire have context? Where does sexual desire fit into your life? When we realize that sexual desire isn’t just some natural tendency that will ebb and flow at a moment’s notice without our input, we are compelled to give it some thought. Throughout our lives, we get to make choices about what we do with our sexual desire. We get to choose who we want and don’t want and under what circumstances we want it. Can you answer those who, what, don’t want questions?
When the context of who, where, when, and why is clear to you, you will reap the benefits of understanding the power sexual desire has in your relationship.
2. Do you know what you want? Do you want sex? Do you want during sex? Understanding what you want, or don’t want, is crucial in sexual desire. Even in healthy relationships, wanting can feel risky and takes strength of character. If you’re not sure what you want, it may only be safe to want your partner as much as your partner wants you. On the other hand, it can be downright dangerous to not want your partner when your partner is wanting you . . . otherwise, the relationship could end. Figure out what you want, who you want, and what you’re willing to risk.
Knowing what you want makes all the difference in feeling safe enough to really want someone. We all desire to desire someone and we all want to be wanted by someone. Wanting directs our sexual desire in meaningful ways.
3. Have you divorced yourself from your sexual desire? Your life is yours alone. Your sexual self is yours too. It’s easy to misplace our sexual desire somewhere within our relationships and begin acting like it has nothing to do with us. We do this with relationships too. Relationships are systems just like families, governments, or corporations. They’re self-adjusting and self-perpetuating, but system none-the-less. It’s a common mistake to think of our relationships as if they exist independently of us. People often remark, “Our relationship is struggling.” We do the same thing with our sexual desire and assume that somehow it is under the sole influence of something else, like a struggling relationship.
Whether your sexual desires are high or low, owning them as your own is the only way to influence them.
4. Have you reduced your sexual desire problem to a single cause? Remember, you and your partner are a mix of all the pieces of sexual desire outlined above. That means every little part affects the operation of the relationship as a whole, which in turn, affects every little part. Fight the urge to view the individual pieces of sexual desire as isolated from the others.
You don’t have to figure out how to put the pieces together, because they already function as a unit. Your job is to remain open to the levels of interaction between the units and how they influence you.
Desire, when mingled with sex, is the adventure and passion we all seek.
Remember when you learned to drive a car? The initial excitement mixed with bumbling new skills. The feeling of power and independence covered in a haze of adventure and hesitancy. Every wrong turn and false start brought you closer to mastering the ins and outs of that undertaking.
Once mastered, all that was left was filling the gas tank and shifting gears.
That’s not sexual desire! It doesn’t disappear because we reach an expert level. There is no skill to be mastered and no hormone tank to fill. There is no sexual tackle box that will fix sexual desire that is low or MIA. It’s not as simple as stimulating all the right body parts or even creating the right atmosphere. It’s not that simple because it’s all those things.
When you see how complex the various elements of sexual desire can be, it’s clear that feelings and thoughts, the past and the present, connections and hormones, health and relationships all combine to contribute to one’s total level of sexual desire.
We all know that when sex is worth wanting — and is available — we want it. But what about when we don’t want it? What then?
Giving Sexual Desire A Second Look
Humans don’t give sexual desire much thought unless it’s missing in action. When things are surging and enlarging, we’re happy to go with the flow and cave to the tide of desire. When sexual desire works it seems natural and effortless.
But if sexual desire is natural, then wouldn’t it follow that we’d all want it all the time? That it would never dip or wane? And what if you discover within yourself that something as natural as sexual desire is lacking, does that mean you’re lacking? That you’re broken? That your sexual desire is dried up and gone and you’re now defective?
If sexual desire is natural, then who’s fault is it when sexual desire is running low or absent?
What is Sexual Desire?
Have you ever been so thirsty and needed a glass of water so badly you would have paid your last dime for it? That’s not what sexual desire is like. Sexual desire is not a natural hunger or physical drive. And viewing it in this way hides its complexity and true attributes.
Sexual desire is more like the structure of matter. There are solids, liquids, and gases. There are neutrons, electrons, atoms, and molecules. To explain how these all fit together in different forms and how they interact takes hundreds of perplexing stories that fill thousands of science books and torture millions of 8th graders year after year. In other words, it’s complex.
So to understand the system of sexual desire inside humans, let’s take it piece by piece.
The Principle Parts of Sexual Desire
Biological Programming. We’re all subject to the biological programming of sexual desire in the sense that sex has an evolutionary basis. There are hormones, pheromones, and brain chemistry leftover from our ancestors that form the biological influence that underpins the entire sexual system. You can’t do anything about this part, you just have to know it’s there.
Craving and Gratification. This is the libido part that most people are familiar with and often refer to as the sex drive. This is based on the idea that we tend to organize our sexual energy around pleasure and craving. We seek what feels good and avoid what feels bad. It’s the pleasure principle at its best. This area includes the idea of relieving tensions or satisfying sexual itches. It’s what most of us equate as sexual desire.
Chemistry and Vibes. This element dates back to prehistoric times. We can sense when someone is sexually interested. We call it “sexual vibes.” The ability of humans to read each other stretches beyond feelings of sexual desire but it is a vital part of the interpersonal communication that we experience as a species. Some are more sensitive to this area but it definitely plays a role in sexual desire.
The Overlooked Parts of Sexual Desire
Need for Togetherness. Our species has evolved in groups and longing for togetherness is a large part of those growth patterns. This hunger for pair-bonding surfaces as we crave physical contact such as touch, taste, warmth, and smell.
Depth and Intensity. This is our capacity for passion. Passion isn’t biological urges or mindless lust. There is depth and intensity to sexual desire that involves the tempting flavors of longing, craving, and fury that surface and reflects in our emotional desires for our lovers. We may recognize it within ourselves more as sexual aggression, enthusiasm, intentional lust, or ardor. When people complain of a low sexual desire, this is usually the piece they’re referring to.
Meaning. Humans have the capacity and the desire to express themselves in multiple ways. Unlike animals, we have the ability to turn sex into intimacy if we choose. We are happy to include activities such as courting and flirting to the mix because these add another layer of meaning to the relationship. We have the ability to turn a sexual encounter into something deep and meaningful because we know the different meanings between a one-night-stand and a long-term matrimony.
Eroticism. Our sexual preferences, behaviors, and styles play a huge role in sexual desire. Eroticism is the way we want to be with our partners, it’s the ways we desire to engage them. Our mental sexual worlds have been encoded by our upbringings and experiences, leaving their marks and directly influencing how we navigate sharing our sexual inclinations and predilections. Our eroticism is personal and, if shared, allows a connection of vulnerability with our partners.
Culture. As much as I hate to bring the world into your bedroom, society shapes what turns us on and how we experience and understand our own desires. There are cultures in which women’s breasts are “sexy” and others in which they are no more interesting than feet. The way that your society defines sex and sexual satisfaction has had an impact on you whether you know it or not.
Okay enough with the psycho-babble and fancy words. I get it, you say. Sexual desire has a laundry list of delicate dynamics that impact its presence and function. So what?
If It’s Not Mother Nature, Who The Heck Is In Charge?
As you can see, hormones and cravings don’t run the show as much as we’d like to think. It’s more involved. Sexual desire is a complex combination of genetic programming and life experiences that produce quite a mosaic of sexual nuance and variety that is as individual as each human being. That’s pretty intricate.
The short answer to who’s in charge of your sexual desire is . . . your brain.
Sexual Desire, meet Mr. Neocortex
“There’s nothing like sexual desire to keep your words from having anything to do with your thoughts.” Marcel Proust, French writer and critic
Humans can think about sex and sexual desire. Even though Mr. Proust touted the idea that there is little to no contact between our reproductive organs and our minds, that just isn’t true. And even though there are plenty of examples of people having sex without using a single brain cell, that doesn’t make it true either.
The world inside our heads plays a huge role in our sexual potential and the nuances of our desires. We are capable of more than simply going into heat. One of the skills of the neocortex is to modulate sexual impulses, provide an understanding of our sexual desires, and direct the “biological drives” we experience.
Humans are unique in that they have the ability to attribute meaning to the sexual act. We can thank the neocortex for this. However, our ability to make sex meaningful is what allows humans to be susceptible to sexual dysfunction such as low sexual desire. That’s why sexual desire isn’t natural and isn’t just chemistry.
Society emphases the hormones and the horniness of sex which are driven by lesser “mammalian” and “reptilian” portions of the brain. The mammalian brain, or cortex, is the limbic center responsible for emotion. The reptilian brain is primitive and controls digestion, excrement, and breathing.
Under most circumstances we want our neocortex to determine our sexual behavior. You want to choose your sexual partner. You want to be chosen by someone special. Only the neocortex can help you desire who you want to have sex with, how you want to do it, why you want to do it, and what it will mean to you.
The neocortex makes it possible to differentiate between a loving union or natural selection. It allows for creative sexual encounters instead of mating and choosing a partner instead of rutting. When the neocortex is running things, it’s not just controlling your desires, it’s involved in creating what you want from fantasies to originality.
How’s Your Sexual Desire?
Now that we’ve dove into the complexity of sexual desire, let’s run a quick thermometer over your sexual desire forehead.
1.Does your sexual desire have context? Where does sexual desire fit into your life? When we realize that sexual desire isn’t just some natural tendency that will ebb and flow at a moment’s notice without our input, we are compelled to give it some thought. Throughout our lives, we get to make choices about what we do with our sexual desire. We get to choose who we want and don’t want and under what circumstances we want it.
When the context of who, where, when, and why is clear to you, you will reap the benefits of understanding the power sexual desire has in your relationship.
2. Do you know what you want? Do you want at all? Do you want during sex? Understanding what you want, or don’t want, is crucial in sexual desire. Even in healthy relationships, wanting can feel risky and takes strength of character. If you’re not sure what you want, it may only be safe to want your partner as much as your partner wants you. On the other hand, it can be downright dangerous to not want your partner when your partner is wanting you . . . otherwise, the relationship could end. Figure out what you want, who you want, and what you’re willing to risk.
Knowing what you want makes all the difference in feeling safe enough to really want someone. We all desire to desire someone and we all want to be wanted by someone. Wanting directs our sexual desire in meaningful ways.
3. Have you divorced yourself from your sexual desire? Your life is yours alone. Your sexual self is yours too. It’s easy to misplace our sexual desire somewhere within our relationships and begin acting like it has nothing to do with us. We do this with relationships too. Relationships are systems just like families, governments, or corporations. They’re self-adjusting and self-perpetuating, but system none-the-less. It’s a common mistake to think of our relationships as if they existed independently of us. People often remark, “Our relationship is struggling.” We do the same thing with our sexual desire and assume that somehow it is under the sole influence of something else, like a struggling relationship.
Whether your sexual desires are high or low, owning them as your own is the only way to influence them.
4. Have you reduced your sexual desire problem to a single cause? Remember, you and your partner are a mix of all the pieces of sexual desire outlined above. That means every little part affects the operation of the relationship as a whole, which in turn, affects every little part. Fight the urge to view the individual pieces of sexual desire as isolated from the others.
You don’t have to figure out how to put the pieces together, because they already function as a unit. Your job is to remain open to the levels of interaction between the units.
Do you remember learning to drive a car? Trying to find a balance between the rush of adventure and the bumbling new skills was overwhelming at times. The surge of power and independence mingled with uncertainty and hesitancy — ah, the glorious insecurity. Then we mastered it. And all that was left was filling the gas tank and shifting gears.
That’s not sexual desire! Sexual desire doesn’t disappear. There is no sexual desire skill to master. There’s no hormone gauge or thought tank to fill. There’s no sexual tackle box to pull out that can enhance your craving or ping your libido.
When sexual desire is lacking or MIA, it’s rarely one thing gone amiss. Sexual desire is an amazing compilation of chemistry and craving, meaning and intensity, culture and eroticism spanning our pasts and bleeding into our daily moments.
Because sexual desire isn’t biologically controlled, we are privileged to be able to take charge of it in our own unique ways. Our human ability to create meaning with sex, to modulate impulses, and to access the potential of our mental worlds indicates that sexual desire is much more than we ever thought it was.
