HISTORY & FILM SATIRE

An Open Letter from the Don Welcoming 2020 to the Family

Say hello to my little friends

“The strength of a family, like the strength of an army, lies in its loyalty to each other.” — The Godfather

2020,

Say hello to my little friends. We have been waiting for you. All year. Watching from afar. And we are honored and grateful that you have finally found time to pay us a visit. So, take a moment and join us. Eat some cannoli. Then bada-bing, bada-boom, I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

But first let me introduce you to some of the fellas that are gathered here with us today. These guys have been with me since the beginning of time. I trust them with my life. And kid, you should too. Kapeesh?

They will be with you forever. And when people think of them, they will think of you.

So, let’s go around the room.

First, we have a guy who is practically older than the original Don himself. This guy is my father-in-law and he has been around for over 65 million years. We call him 65. He is one mean son of a bitch. They say that revenge is best served old. Well, 65 sent an asteroid that wiped out over 75% of life on earth including the dinosaurs. 65 is the dog that had his day.

Next we’ve got my cousin, 536. He’s a hotheaded, take-no-prisoners kind of guy. He started a volcanic eruption in Iceland that covered the world in black fog for an entire year. And then, he dropped the bubonic plague on everyone and took out 50% of the Roman Empire. He says it was business. It wasn’t personal. But we all know, everything is personal.

Moving right along, we’ve got my nephew 1520. He was a nice family boy who didn’t want to get mixed up in the family business. But then he got involved with the Europeans and ended up bringing smallpox to the New World. He is single-handedly responsible for killing 90% of the Native American people. So, don’t mess with 1520.

Finally, we’ve got my brother-in-law, 1933. He went on a rampage. He had a little help from his father, 1929 to set things in motion with the Great Depression. And then, 1933 stepped in and really kicked things into high gear. Under this no-good, wise guy, Hitler rose to power; arrested his enemies and started his reign of persecution and war. They say to be afraid of the calmest person in the room, well that would be 1933.

So, 2020 that brings us to you. You have been called here today, because you belong to this family.

Everyone shows their identity in time and this past year, you have proven yourself to be the most heartless of fellas around. You’re a gangster through and through and I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.

I want you to be my guy for the ages, 2020.

You see — you were born for this moment. After 365 days, you’ve proven you belong here. Right along side all these bums and cheats. We’re the worst of the worst for all eternity, kid.

So, join us. Come take your rightful place in history. We’re all ready to stand by your side. Always. And forever.

Eternally yours,

The Godfather of Time

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This piece takes a run at all the crappy years we have had to endure through the ages and pays a little homage to all the gangster movies out there, especially the Godfather. Every line in italics has been taken from Scarface and the Godfather and should be attributed to these two scores. They say, the Great Don takes everything personally. Like God. So, I don’t want him to hold anything against me. 2020, sure. But me? Forget about it.

© Courtney Burry 2021

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