An Open Letter from My Teen to the English Language

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Abstract

ot k.I told her that maybe you are just in a hurry. After all YOLO. But she thinks it might be a good idea for you to slow things down bae, so we can enjoy all those letters that roll off the tongue. FR.Of course, everyone is busy! We all have places to go and GFs and BFs to see. But my mom says the way you are being used today is just so extra. And OMG, I high-key know that she’s shook just listening to you.I know you probably think she is throwing shade. After all, you are low-key trying your best. But I’m just spilling the tea. So, don’t feel bad. She goes after me all the time. Don’t cancel me. And don’t go and get all salty on me. I’m no Karen. I’m just telling you what she said because POS. And FML.English — or can I call you “E” for short? I know you straight love to flex. But my mom thinks it’s a little sus that you have given up trying these days. And she i

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s talking about staging an intervention.But I low-key wouldn’t worry bruh. Because she is just being an emo about the whole thing. And she is straight dogwater at understanding what you have become.You’ve changed. Retweet. But that’s part of life. And I think you are slaying it. Speaking English like my mom would be basic. She’s lagging and you have moved on. Periodt.She just needs to deal, IYKWIM. Every time she complains about you, I just say, “Okay boomer. Chill.” And that gets her to hop off.So, E. You do you. I’ll do me. And my mom can just deal. Because I stan you just the way you are.Big yikes. It looks like I gotta run. I’m off to change and find my squad. We’re gonna make some sick TikToks and I need to look snatched in my new fit.Bye E.Let’s be BFFs forever. Bet,Stella</article></body>

Dude! We need to talk

Yo! English language.

We all know that you are fire. And not just like, fire — you’re totally sick. But my mom thinks that you’ve gotten a little messy, bruh. Because TBH she says you are hard to make out these days. No cap. You seem to be dropping letters from words all over the place. And dude, according to her, that’s not k.

I told her that maybe you are just in a hurry. After all YOLO. But she thinks it might be a good idea for you to slow things down bae, so we can enjoy all those letters that roll off the tongue. FR.

Of course, everyone is busy! We all have places to go and GFs and BFs to see. But my mom says the way you are being used today is just so extra. And OMG, I high-key know that she’s shook just listening to you.

I know you probably think she is throwing shade. After all, you are low-key trying your best. But I’m just spilling the tea. So, don’t feel bad. She goes after me all the time. Don’t cancel me. And don’t go and get all salty on me. I’m no Karen. I’m just telling you what she said because POS. And FML.

English — or can I call you “E” for short? I know you straight love to flex. But my mom thinks it’s a little sus that you have given up trying these days. And she is talking about staging an intervention.

But I low-key wouldn’t worry bruh. Because she is just being an emo about the whole thing. And she is straight dogwater at understanding what you have become.

You’ve changed. Retweet. But that’s part of life. And I think you are slaying it. Speaking English like my mom would be basic. She’s lagging and you have moved on. Periodt.

She just needs to deal, IYKWIM. Every time she complains about you, I just say, “Okay boomer. Chill.” And that gets her to hop off.

So, E. You do you. I’ll do me. And my mom can just deal. Because I stan you just the way you are.

Big yikes. It looks like I gotta run. I’m off to change and find my squad. We’re gonna make some sick TikToks and I need to look snatched in my new fit.

Bye E.

Let’s be BFFs forever. Bet,

Stella

FAMILY HUMOR

An Open Letter from My Teen to the English Language

Dude! We need to talk