Ambivalent Life in Recovery
I’d rather be emotional AF than in the active cycle of addiction
The state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something or someone is Ambivalence!
It was back in the day when I was using drugs, I would go to the dollar store and buy silverware. This was after I just nodded out in the kitchen and lied to my mom saying I was alright. I would buy spoons because I was a hardcore heroin addict. At the time I loved to inject myself because I got high, and I felt like his own nurse. I was addicted to drugs and shooting up because of tolerance.
Tolerance creates addiction!
I used to be a hardcore heroin addict — this did not happen overnight.
- A lot of hopeless pills that I was taking in my teenage years.
- It was the bike accident, and the traumatic brain injury that caused me a lot of setbacks, which I wrote an article about, I’ll add link here.←
- Deleting all the painful memories that I had in my adolescent ears with any mind-altering substance was who I was.
- Candy
- Food
- Nicotine
- Caffeine
- Weed
These were just my lightweight addictions, at the beginning of what I can consider to be the creation of my hell.
My Hell
(Hopeless Pills)
When the doctor gave me some. It was after I got my tonsils pulled, he told me —
“If you need more just give me a call.”
I was off to the races after the second bottle!
I was having to drink alcohol now too, I had to mix them because taking one or two ‘Robbin Eggs’ just wasn’t cutting it anymore.
Tolerance told me to shut the fuck up.
You need more bitch.
Take more Derek take more, more is better, faster is better.
It made me faster at everything in the beginning. I felt that way back then so fuck it.
It was just what I had to do to stuff my emotions down and make all that unavoidable suffering go away!
I thought!
Today/Conclusion
I use my breath today as medicine as everyone in this entire world who breathes should understand that control over their breathing then creates self-worth, compassion, and self-control — you start to get meditation as being a part of you.
I meditated this morning already for one whole hour and I feel better than any drug ever done, any pill, any food, or let’s just be real.
- Meditation saved my life!
- I saved my life.
- writing saved my life.
- honesty
- open-minded
- willingness
- faith over fear
- community as Refuge, and Medium friends.
- gratitude list
- help another person by paying it forward.
I brought up spoons in the beginning because just the other day when I was about to eat my oatmeal, I grabbed a spoon and started to cry, I saw a spoon as a utensil to eat with. NOTHING ELSE!
It took 4+ years in Refuge recovery meditating to relieve that one thought of what I used to use spoons for which was shooting dope. I would rather be crying on a daily sober with my family still on my side than in the active cycle of addiction.
Now you know why I live an ambivalent life!
Just like every addict in recovery!
XOXOXOXOXXOXOXOX❤ Love,
Want to read my recent article, & poetry that heals?
Want to meet the creator of this publication?
Big thanks to Liberty Forrest, Author
I appreciate the strength of your community, which serves as a source of healing for me and many others. It’s heartening to know that there’s a place where we can connect with like-minded individuals and share our experiences. Thank you for providing such a valuable resource for support and understanding!
With a community healing with hope and humor, I believe I found my place!
