SATIRE?

All Satirists Need To Be Permanently Banned From Medium. Here’s Why.

If I don’t get the joke, there is no joke to get.

An article demanding Medium ban satire appeared in my Medium feed. I expected it to be satire.

It was not.

I read it many times to make sure. It was not satire. The commenters were equally serious about how these “satirists” weren’t writing satire but writing lies. Spam and lies! It’s mean! It should be a violation of some Medium rule!

They all made great points I could get behind. So many great points, I now agree Medium should ban anyone writing satire on its platform.

Just look at the definition of satire from The Oxford Dictionary:

sat·ire

noun

1.the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

No wonder the author of that article was so angry. They were clicking on articles about making money on Medium. Topics that satirists on Medium were making fun of. Articles they expected to be true. I can relate. Here are just some of the articles I’ve been tricked into clicking on, only to find out they were “satire” after the fact:

When you think about it, clickbait is just unfunny satire. Therefore, since satire isn’t funny unless the joke is announced in advance, everything that doesn’t warn me of intended humor is just clickbait. Everything claiming to be satire but I don’t find funny at all is spam.

Not the Oxford Dictionary’s definition of spam:

noun

1.irrelevant or inappropriate messages sent on the internet to a large number of recipients.

2.a canned meat product made mainly from ham.

Not Merriam-Webster’s definition of spam either:

: unsolicited usually commercial messages (such as emails, text messages, or Internet postings) sent to a large number of recipients or posted in a large number of places

Like they know anything about the meanings of words. Is that definition of satire even right? Who cares, satire itself is wrong.

Non-edible spam is anything sent to me that I don’t like and didn’t ask for. Catalogs? SPAM! Bills? Definitely SPAM! Every article in my Medium feed that doesn’t completely meet my expectations? SPAM!

Edible Spam, on the other hand, I do like and can be sent to me whether or not I asked for it.

Here’s one weird trick I’ve found to avoid accidental exposure to satirical writing on Medium: stop reading anything posted on Medium.

That’s right. Someone you’ve read Medium articles from before could sneak in a joke without a proper GIGGLE WARNING. In fact, I’ve never seen anyone provide a GIGGLE WARNING for a Medium article ever. Come to think of it, this is the first time I’ve even heard of such a thing as a GIGGLE WARNING. It might just be safer to stop reading completely.

Otherwise, you might accidentally find articles from “news outlets” reporting on “satire” that can’t even be satire because it’s not funny.

The worst part about Medium not having a ban against satire and those who write it?

I had no worries about being banned after hitting that big ‘Publish’ button.

All that talk of Spam made me hungry. Could you buy me a can so I can make a proper Spam sandwich? The secret is to slice it thin and fry until slightly burnt.