Summary

The article discusses the potential impact of a nuclear war on Medium earnings and the broader cultural landscape, emphasizing the importance of backing up written content in the face of global catastrophe.

Abstract

The author of the article underscores the severe consequences a nuclear conflict could have on Medium writers' earnings, suggesting that the destruction of infrastructure and potential loss of internet connectivity would render digital earnings obsolete. The piece draws a parallel to the 2021 Facebook outage to illustrate the chaos that could ensue from the loss of major tech platforms, and it speculates on the cultural shifts that might occur in a post-American world order. The article also references a mandate by former Russian President Dmitry Medvedev, which includes a clause about retaliating with nuclear force under certain conditions, adding a sense of urgency to the discussion. The author satirically suggests that in the event of nuclear war, current concerns about social media and cultural issues would become trivial, and advises writers to download and save their work before it's too late.

Opinions

The author believes that the threat of nuclear war is not just a geopolitical issue but also a practical concern for content creators on platforms like Medium.
There is a critical tone regarding the overreaction to the 2021 Facebook outage, implying that people are unprepared for more significant disruptions that could be caused by a nuclear war.
The article mocks the idea that American cultural cues would continue to dominate globally if the United States were to be devastated by nuclear conflict.
The author expresses skepticism about the effectiveness of current security measures, citing the extreme measures taken to restore Facebook servers during the 2021 outage.
There is a suggestion that China could emerge as a dominant global force in the aftermath of a nuclear war, with the implication that Western influence would wane.
The piece criticizes the constant state of war that the United States has historically been involved in, juxtaposing it with the potential for total destruction.
The author uses satire to downplay the significance of current societal issues, such as the focus on pronouns and dating preferences, in the face of existential threats.
The article takes a cynical view of the potential for human adaptation and resilience, questioning whether anyone would care about pre-war concerns after a catastrophic event.
The author admires the character of Scrooge for his singular focus on financial gain, suggesting that Medium writers should emulate his hustle and self-reliance in the face of an uncertain future.
Finally, the author encourages readers to use their referral link to join Medium, implying that earning money on the platform is a worthwhile endeavor, even with the looming threat of global catastrophe.

Nuclear War Threatens Your Medium Earnings

Don’t pee your pants. You can download your shit story right now. Adobe Stock.

I cannot stress this enough.

If Russia finally decides to act on their threats, to unleash a horde of nuclear deterrents, then your Medium earnings will plummet.

Not just plummet. They’ll be non-existent. Head office in NYC will be blown to smithereens. All those valuable words will be gone too. Best to back up your prose now. Download as much as you can before the bombs start dropping.

Will there even be internet? Can Twitter exist outside of the US? Would we cheer when Facebook goes offline? Do you remember last year? The panic caused when Facebook went down for five hours in early October? Staff was locked out of their office, influencers couldn’t seek validation on Instagram and all those secret Whatsapp groups could no longer spread malicious gossip.

It took a special ops team to fly into California and manually reset the servers as the built-in security system attempted to fry them with dolphins armed with lazers.

The world blinked and businessmen threw themselves at Zuckerbergs' feet groveling to be let back in.

Nuclear war will be far worse.

Your first-world problems will be insignificant when the missiles rain down. But you know this already right? That’s why you’ve made back-ups of your shit opinion so future generations can read your exact thoughts on why the algorithm is fucking up your life or why it's better to date a man in touch with his feelings and supports pronouns.

Will the world still give a fuck about pronouns if America no longer exists? Where would the global community get its cultural cues from? Who would replace the US? A nuclear meltdown could last for weeks, months…at least until Tucker Carson gets back on the air.

Fucker will be the voice of FREEDOM. A whole new America will awaken from their Woke slumber and embrace guns that intentionally kill and hard men who scream toxic murder. Charlton Heston will survive the blast and be elected the new leader of the Free World. Neil Young will be forgotten within a year as he struggles with analog technology desperately trying to find a new cloud to upload his tunes that nobody wants to hear.

Spotify will be obliterated too.

Do you think I’m kidding? Check out Clause Four on the ‘We Will Retaliate With Force’ mandate issued by Dmitry Medvedev, a former Russian president who is deputy chairman of the country’s security council:

“…And the fourth case is when an act of aggression is committed against Russia and its allies, which jeopardized the existence of the country itself, even without the use of nuclear weapons, that is, with the use of conventional weapons.”

Brace yourself. He’s specifically talking about you America.

You, the gun-tooting nihilists who won’t back down from a fight.

You, the war-mongering nation who have been in a constant state of war since its inception in 1776. Sorry…fact checker, 225 years out of 246. There was that moment when everybody stopped for tea back in 1871. It may have been a birthday party. Cake was involved along with a couple of strippers. What a day!

And then maybe the UK? Putin probably wouldn’t bother. Boris is all bark. Putin loves a clown in office who u-turns every time he’s caught holding a party or fiddling with a mistress.

Weibo is where you want to be. The Chinese will rule the world once bombs start falling. They’ll invade Australia first, not that anyone will notice. They’ve secretly been laying the groundwork for centuries, building one China Town after another. The insurrection will be powered by Peking Duck captured in real-time on Samsung mobiles and uploaded to Weibo.

It’s a bleak future.

Are you still worried about your Medium earnings? The lack of views? The catatonic state of your reading time? Does this matter knowing that Putin is pissed and itching to use Clause Four?

Scrooge used to not give a fuck with his immortal line “bah humbug”. He cheerfully waved his pecker at the frothing tide of humanity. No emotional heart-pulling antics could deviate the Scrooge from his capitalist mountain. He was in it for the dollars.

I admire the pre-Christmas Scrooge.

His single-minded attention to hustling for every nickel that came his way should be celebrated. He should be an anti-hero held aloft by the Medium pleasure seekers. This is a man who would complain loudly if the algorithm ripped him off. Scrooge knew how to hustle. He wrote the manual on helping yourself. A self-help guide called ‘I Fucking Helped Myself’.

Download now.

Save your shit stories.

Just stop moaning about your lack of earnings because…you know…it can certainly get a whole lot worse.

Use this referral below so I can continue to make over $1000 a month! You can too! Sign up now and I promise to hijack a portion of your membership before nuclear war obliterates us all and you have nothing but Tim Denning to learn how to cope with the fallout.

Join Medium with my referral link — Reuben Salsa

As a Medium member, a portion of your membership fee goes to writers you read, and you get full access to every story…

reubensalsa.medium.com