How to Make 14 Trillion Dollars per Month on Medium

My no-fail formula for 428-minute reads.

“Right here you should put a really long quote that may or may not be relevant to the content of the article. Make it as large and as long as possible to maximize read time and take up the most amount of space. You can just pull some random quote off of Goodreads, out of your favorite book, or just make one up and put the author as “unknown.” Most people skim articles anyway so they probably won’t even catch this part. For the most impact, put about 6 of them in your article, find the longest ones you can, and laugh all the way to the bank.”

— Unknown

Last month, I made $0.12 on Medium.

Considering that in my first month I only made $0.03, I think I’m well on my way to making about $2 million in September, and $14 trillion in October.

And since I’ve been publishing on Medium for two months now, that pretty much makes me an expert on how to make money here, and also an expert on how Medium works.

My course comes out next month.

Anyway, if you want to be as successful as I am, you have to listen to me.

In my vast time spent on Medium, I have learned what it takes to make $0.15, become a (future) top writer, and most importantly, how to scam the system.

So, here we go!

First, you need to put in as many pictures as possible.

Make them as big as possible. The long pictures are much better than the wide ones. They take up more space and account for more “read time.”

Watch this:

A wide picture of Spiderman reading a book about decision making.

A long picture of a lamp-headed dog and what appears to be an octopus riding a motorcycle.

See that?

It took you longer to scroll through the long picture than it did the wide picture.

That tip right there is probably worth about $2 trillion.

“Three generations with six decades of life experience. He appeared to be confusingly perplexed. Nobody has encountered an explosive daisy and lived to tell the tale. She is never happy until she finds something to be unhappy about; then, she is overjoyed. He watched the dancing piglets with panda bear tummies in the swimming pool. Jeanne wished she has chosen the red button. So long and thanks for the fish. Each person who knows you has a different perception of who you are. A song can make or ruin a person’s day if they let it get to them. His ultimate dream fantasy consisted of being content and sleeping eight hours in a row. Before he moved to the inner city, he had always believed that security complexes were psychological. It was obvious she was hot, sweaty, and tired. Two more days and all his problems would be solved. He turned in the research paper on Friday; otherwise, he would have not passed the class.”

— Mother Teresa

You’re welcome.

Next, and maybe even more important than the previous tip, are paragraphs.

Forget them.

This will help get you to the 428-minute read mark.

Type

sentences

like

this.

Then throw in a regular sentence like this.

Put one of these in there:

Type

another

sentence

like

this.

Then

another

three-dot

thingy.

Then throw in a longer sentence to make it look like it could be a paragraph, but not really. You know, just so it’s not too obvious.

You can even bold a sentence for impact! Or italicize it. Or both!

Whatever floats your boat in the moment.

Then another short sentence.

Skip a line.

Repeat.

I’ve

typed

very

few

words

but

have

added

at

least

a

few

minutes

to

the

story.

Repeat 153 times.

Then

put

a

picture

of

a

duck.

“You should probably add another really long quote that, again, doesn’t really have to be relevant. The key is to take up a lot of space so that your read time is inflated. That’s the goal. You can just make something up and attribute it to some famous person. Abraham Lincoln or some writer usually works best. If they are dead, even better. Even if they didn’t really say it, nobody will check. You could even talk about going to the grocery store or something random. I’ve run out of thoughts about what to write so I’m just going to put some words here so that I can get my word count and read time up. Did I say that out loud? Anyway, you get the idea. Remember, make it as big as possible and do it about 6 times. 60% of the time, it works every time.”

— Steve Jobs

If you’ve followed my instructions until now, you are probably at about a 276-minute read.

Do better.

What happens next is really important.

So pay attention.

Tag people.

It doesn’t matter if they have anything to do with the story.

Tag them anyway and put some of their stories in your story!

Make

a

bunch

of

money

from

other

people’s

work!

However, since this is just an example, I’ll put my own stories.

But what you should do is just pick out writers on Medium and post about 150 of their stories into yours!

Do it daily.

Say you were really moved by the article or something like that.

This makes for a really long read and all the writers you tagged will read and clap!

But

first,

put

a

picture

of

a

salad.

Remember, make it as big as possible.

Some more three-dot thingy’s.

Then the stories.

Repeat this step about 150 times and you are golden!

And

one

more

picture

to

get

it

to

a

428

minute

read.

W

i

n

n

i

n

g!

You can thank me later.

Peace.