SPORTS, ENTERTAINMENT
Aaron Rodgers Retires From NFL to Protest His Exclusion From Jeffrey Epstein’s List
Discount Double Wreck
Just when you thought nothing could get crazier than 2023, 2024 surpassed that threshold four days in.
The judge who sentenced Jeffrey Epstein to jail for child sex trafficking promised to release the list of all of Epstein’s associates on January 2, 2024 the earliest. This compelled Americans to announce another national holiday so people can leave work to refresh Twitter on updates of the list. Unfortunately, no one got such list from Twitter. CEO Elon Musk designed the site so poorly that it crashed every 5 minutes from sheer volume.
This left many to speculate who would be on the list. NFL quarterback Aaron Rodgers hopped on The Pat McAfee Show to wish for his enemy Jimmy Kimmel to be on that list of pedophiles. Rodgers was still salty that the late night host called him a “Whack Packer” for promoting ivermectin as a COVID treatment. Rodgers defended his love for horse dewormer as a necessity to become a Denver Bronco.
To the disappointment of everyone, the judge delayed the reveal of Epstein’s list to at least January 22. The judge granted the victims’ request more time for anonymity. Furthermore, the judge defended delaying this list of potential child sex abusers.
“After months of trial and debating, we realized there’s no proof that everyone on Epstein’s list slept with minors. The delay works in our favor, as we want to spare humiliation of potentially innocent people.”
This news angered Rodgers so much that he jumped on Instagram to announce his career change from the Malibu Beach.
“I’m retiring from football. I’m tired of the Jewish elite controlling crucial information. So I’m protesting by no longer working for the non-Jews in the NFL.”
We were amused that Rodgers is following the same career trajectory as his predecessor and former Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre.
- Both won MVP awards and Super Bowl rings in Green Bay.
- Both got traded to the New York Jets.
- Both left New York after one season.
We reached out to Rodgers on why he wants to follow in Favre’s footsteps. Rodgers threw down his football helmet.
“I’ve worked too damn hard on my career. Am I’m not even good enough to be on Jeffrey Epstein’s list?
“What do I have to do? Sit in wheelchair and bang a couple hundred underaged girls while moaning through a speech-generating device?”
We asked Rodgers why he wanted to be on the notorious list of pedophiles.
“I want to make this clear. I am NOT a pedophile. Even though I look like one with my mustache.
“I’ve heard that Bill Gates, Bill Clinton, and Donald Trump are on the list. Even though none of them paid Epstein to fuck underaged girls. Sounds to me this list of famous people aren’t pedophiles, but celebrities Epstein admired. SO HOW AM I NOT ON THAT LIST?
“I didn’t make it over a tech CEO, a former president, and a famous con artist? PU-LEEASE. I’m BETTER than all of them. I’m an athlete! I changed the world by throwing a pigskin!
“I won FOUR MVPS! I threw ZERO INTERCEPTIONS in 2023! Ok, I achieved this feat by tearing my ACL on the fourth snap of the first game. BUT STILL!”
Rodgers slammed his fists.
“I had a career ending injury on my first game as a New York Jets. And this was a team that needed me to get them to the Super Bowl. My injury was the biggest tragedy that happened to jets in New York on September 11.
“I’m obviously joking. Everyone knows 9/11 was an inside job. At least my disaster actually happened. Jet fuel melts calcium beams.”
Rodgers shook his head.
“The Jeffrey Epstein Stamp of Approval is the last accolade to cap off my illustrious career. This is enough to make me the best Green Bay Packer of all time. So y’all can stop comparing me to Brett Favre.
“Despite this, I’m being ignored because I think the world is flat. This is clearly the work of the Jewish elite. They conspired against me to tarnish my legacy.
“If they think I’m not good enough under Jeffrey Epstein’s eyes, then I resign. Let’s see how New York fares with Zach Wilson as a quarterback. They had him for two years before deciding to trade for me. Wilson’s the biggest terrorist to New York since Osama bin Laden.”
We mentioned to Rodgers that Favre made headlines for being a piece of shit.
- Favre sent unsolicited dick pictures to New York Jets hostess Jenn Sterger.
- Favre created a scam that stole Mississippian welfare funds to pay for his alma matter’s state-of-the-art volleyball court. When caught, Favre vowed to repay the poor by taxing unborn children.
We asked Rodgers if he needed to do those accomplishments to surpass his predecessor. Rodgers laughed.
“I already send strangers autographs of my portraits. I got the dick pictures covered.
“I haven’t done any scams. Yes, I’ve promoted scams like ivermectin. But I haven’t created any scams because I don’t have a daughter who plays volleyball at college.
“However, I do love quiz bowl and jeopardy. I will complete my legacy as Brett Favre by using California welfare to fund UC Berkeley’s Quiz bowl team’s state-of-the-art buzzer systems.”
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. It is written to poke fun at the subjects mentioned. It is satire. For now.
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