The only writing guide you’ll ever need

Seven steps to find your true voice in a hilarious, gut wrenching, illuminating, addicting, depressing, and finally healthy journey.

WARNING: If you are a kindred spirit, someone who likes donuts and already knows all my secrets of becoming a media juggernaut, stop right here. Go no further. I see you there, withdraw that foot from my digital doorstep. Look elsewhere for something fresh and delicious, because today is Wednesday Word Gumbo, hump day hash, a delightful blend of leftovers that will nourish your soul. There will be no Easter Eggs, no new gems of humor. Not one. Don’t even think about it.

Okay are they gone yet? Good.

This is a special post just for you noobs or boobs or any combination thereof, so you can learn the secrets of becoming a great writer on Medium (notice the qualifier).

You know you want it.

You’ve read all those self-improvement, life-hacking articles and wish you could be showered in little green hearts. You dream about changing the world with your words. You may even dream that this will lead to a paying gig.

And you have no idea that you are beginning a downward slide toward addiction.

You’ll be checking your stats and refreshing your feed over and over, like an angry monkey whacking away at a piñata from the inside, hoping to break free of the chains that now bind you to this heartless web site. After that you’ll go through withdrawal. You’ll join a 12-step program. And you’ll come out the other side, a better, but more importantly, a healthier person.

Don’t worry. It’s all part of your evolution as a writer.

But I have a way of saving you from a lot of suffering and wasted time, because I’ve already gone through it. Without further ado, allow me to present…

The Ultimate Writer’s Guide!

Just follow these easy-to-learn steps and you, too, will soon have tens of thousands.

Step 1: Rules are meant to be broken… except this one.

Do you want to learn powerfully powerful secrets of data-driven content creation? Here are my personal adventures that are GUARANTEED to lead to RESULTS! Or double your money back!!!*

Step 2: The dark arts of social media manipulation.

Become a Coattail Starfucker™ for even MORE RESULTS, because

Step 3: Got to give the people… give the people what they want!

Are you ready to turn it up to 11? You have now reached the Medium-est level of writing, and the student shall now become the master as you experience total illumination in learning

Step 4: Go from reporting the story to being the story!

Here’s your road map to achieve national media prominence:

Step 5: There’s help when you crash and burn.

We can help you cope with your new found fame and addiction to green hearts:

Step 6: Disillusioned? Struggling with sobriety? Do you still have doubts about your writing journey?

In this lesson, face your fears, center you chi, and find new motivation:

Step 7: Your true search begins again, and the final secret is revealed.

It even has a secret name that no one except three people in the world will understand…

Remember, grasshopper, as you enter the world a new writer…

Before writing, chop wood, carry water. After writing, chop wood, carry water.

• Please send a self-addressed envelope, along with a check for $2.99 shipping and handling fees to “The Ultimate Writer’s Guide” at this address. Allow 4–6 weeks to receive a refund double the amount you paid for this course. (S&H is non-refundable and not counted as part of the course fees. Offer only available to U.S. residents. International students responsible for additional shipping costs. Please consult with FedEX for current rates. Offer expires at midnight.)

UPDATE 3/29: STEP EIGHT, follow this guide and you can skip steps one through seven!

[UPDATE 6/1: More important information to protect and nurture new writers. Be sure to ask the Mayor of Medium for your free hearts!

[UPDATE 6/4: For a super quick test to know if you are a getting your sh*t together as a writer, or simply producing sh*tty content, check this out. (props to Charles Harry Mackenzie for the link):

If this humble guide has helped you tap the potential you never dreamed you had… okay, even if this humble guide hasn’t helped you tap the potential you never dreamed you had, there’s so much more for us to share.

You’ll want to subscribe to my email newsletter for critical updates and bonus content here, my online webinar here, the seminar coming to your town soon here, and the series of books I’ve written here, here, here and here. I promise there will be no further commercial interruptions. (okay, I lied. Buy something here. Now, I’m done.)