A Mother’s Heartache: Choosing Between Dreams and Sacrifice.
Superheroes or Supervillains or is there a middle ground?
Recently, I am considering different countries to migrate to, from Africa. For us, migration is very difficult. We deal with racism and other kinds of discrimination because we are third-world and apparently, only good for a life of crime.
My friends and family abroad tell me to “go for it now”. There is just one caveat: you will go further, faster — if you leave your child behind.
Many mothers have done it. It is a temporary sacrifice for a better permanent future.
So they tell me.
The first person to ask me to leave my daughter behind was a good friend but that relationship has not been the same since then. I couldn’t imagine that a good friend will suggest that to me even in the name of “the best thing for you”.
It will not be forever — just 3 years max. You will have made enough to bring her over
But, many mothers have made this sacrifice. Just yesterday, my friend encouraged me with these words:
A friend of mine left her 6 months old baby to go to Canada. Her mother took over the care of the child. She was abroad for 2 years and just now traveled for 3 weeks to see her child. Just give your baby to your mother. Your mother is not a stranger. She raised you.
I am still not convinced. I have not entertained any migration plans that will not include my child. A tourist visa is easier but you cannot easily put down roots with that. I need a more permanent option.
Now, I am not naïve. I do think that I will settle faster if I am not trying to keep pace with my daughter. She is now 4 and I am her primary carer. I do not imagine that I love my daughter more than the women who have chosen to travel without their kids but I do not think I can leave my child behind. I just do not have it in me.
It is my daughter and I. How do I uproot her to stay in a new environment with grandma that she knows more from video calls than in-person?
I cannot even take my evening walks without my daughter going,
Mummy, don’t leave me.
I hear that daily and have to remind her that Mummy will soon be back. The thought of making that promise and not keeping it breaks my heart. My daughter has always been clingy, afraid of loud noises, quite opinionated, and unused to canes.
I do not doubt my mother’s ability to keep my daughter alive. My dynamic with my daughter will not be the same with my mother. My mother did not spare the rod with me. She is older now and I do not imagine that she will not use the rod with my daughter if she feels the need for it. We disagree on this. But what do you do when you are not there to parent by yourself?
And what about my daughter? What permanent damages will my leaving her behind, cause to her? How will she understand this? We have so many little routines. I am crazy about our silliness. I am crazy about this little human and maybe I am crazy myself because in the long run, maybe sacrificing the now will buy her a better tomorrow abroad.
Am I overthinking this? Those mothers who make this sacrifice, are they superheroes or supervillains? Am I just a weak human? Is this fear speaking? Am I selfish or selfless?
I cannot predict the future but dang, I wish I knew the costs of the choice that I make daily — to choose my daughter now until I can get us abroad as a package deal versus heading out on my own to make the way for her, first.
Thank you for reading. Whatever you suggest, my heart breaks either way.