Empowering Yourself: Validating Your Feelings While Taking Control
Break down when it is convenient.
One of the biggest life lessons I learned and taught myself was that:
Yup. My feelings are valid but I’ve realized that they don’t always hold the ultimate power. The first day I said that to myself, it was about survival. I was getting over the pain that came with the abuse I endured for years so yeah, most days were hard for me. I struggled with sleeping. I struggled through the day.
As a parent, your young child does not care that you are seconds away from a breakdown. They want food or they want to play. If you are the one to put food on the table, your finances will not care about your mental health either. If you work with people, they can only excuse your shitty behaviour for so long before they just want you to rein it in and bring your best self to the table or get out.
So
Your feelings are valid but they don’t matter
Became the mantra I chanted to myself through every breakdown and numbness.
Get up. Get your shit done
Followed it.
The shift happened but it did not happen overnight. But, I learned to ‘get hold’ of myself and get on with it.
Whenever I felt a breakdown coming, I began to ask myself some questions:
- Would I rather cry through this night even though I feel like it or would I sleep so I have enough energy for the day?
- Would I rather keep a shitty attitude with people and give them the burden of understanding me or should I power through these feelings and break down in private later?
The more I trained myself to power through my momentary feelings and get stuff done, the easier it became for me to do it.
Getting through despite your feelings is a muscle that one should learn to exercise.
This man screamed in my face. My feelings are hurt because of it.
This woman insulted my mother. My feelings are hurt because of it.
The thing that will make my feelings better at this time will be to retaliate. As we say in Nigeria, I will “treat their fuck up”.
But, how many fuckups can you reasonably treat each day and not lose your sanity?
What if you get in the habit of reminding yourself that your feeling doesn’t matter here and that you will feel better at night when you take reconnaissance of your day and realize that you ignored their outbursts and went about my life? You did not follow your hurt feelings and get in a screaming match in the middle of the market?
I used to live by the dictates of my feelings.
With my abusive ex, it took me an eternity to stop letting them get a rise out of me.
In my anger, I will spill all my secrets — those to do and get away from them and those that someone helped me with. Guess who that always helped?
Yup. Them.
As much as it feels validating in the moment, to go with your feelings, I encourage you to begin retraining yourself not to and learn to do this instead:
- Give yourself permission to break down for 5 minutes — at a later time.
Okay, I just said not to give in to your feelings. Now I am saying to give in? Well, yes and no.
Recovering from abuse and healing in general, as you must know by now, takes a while. This isn’t an overnight journey. I could be doing something happy or important to me and just like that, I begin to feel some panic attacks creeping in or get flashbacks and get so afraid that I am about to be drawn back to the years I already overcame.
What have I learned to do?
I promise myself that at so and so time, when I am less busy, I will cry, journal, call a friend, throw myself a pity party, or say some prayers.
Now that you have given yourself permission to break down at a more convenient time, the thing to do at that time is to do — something.
(You always have the option of crying and calling for help but)
I will always recommend that you:
- Journal.
My journal has it all — the curses, the hate, the disappointments, the sorrows, as well as the joys. There is no shame in my journal. It is my safe pace and it has all the ramblings and that is fine. It is locked up and safe. My journal is my therapy and when I am done, I get up and find something productive to do.
Warning:
When you make an appointment with yourself, it is important that you keep it. If you get in the habit of tricking your mind to postpone a moment, your mind will quickly catch on and you will have a harder time talking yourself through not breaking down at an ‘inconvenient’ time.
The goal is to find healthy ways to live your best life and not just cope through life.
Your feelings are valid, but they don’t always have to control your actions. You can learn to take control of your emotions and push through temporary feelings to accomplish your tasks. By giving yourself permission to feel later, you’re validating your emotions while empowering yourself to take control.
Thank you for reading. How do you handle your feelings when they are weighing you down and you need to get stuff done? Do share.
Do you know I am a poet?
Remember, we can always hang out if you Buy me coffee?