Dear God, Did You Choose the Wrong Warrior?
I call bull.
Often people say, “God gives his toughest battles to His strongest warriors”. After a lot of pain and traumas, I can confidently say strength ain’t got nothing to do with it. I mean, look at me. Have you seen me before?
Toughest battles? Sure. Strongest warriors? Miss me with that one.
How do I get through tough phases in life? Lots of bathroom breaks where I am just crying and praying hopelessly and helplessly — in between pep talks from me to me.
And it isn’t just the saying, people who know me call me a “strong woman”. Among my adjectives are “strong”. I call bull.
At the same time I was dealing with the pain of heartbreak, I also realized the business I sweated for, had been taken from me. The days were heartbreaking and at night, I was bathed in cold sweats that were mixed in with my tears. It is still a miracle that I did not die just from the mental trauma.
There were days I cried until all I was muttering was “God, I cannot make it. God, I cannot go another step. God, take my life. I don’t think I can go out there…”
There were days I felt like I could feel my heart literally breaking.
Having walked through some personal valleys, I have a new appreciation for men and women who have “made it” in life. Beyonce for instance, is a woman I admire so much. Today, I know God alone knows the pain, uncertainties, and heartaches that have marked different phases of her life — molded and made her. But from the outside, we call her a strong black woman.
God gives his toughest battles to His strongest warriors…?
Strength is not earned because you claim it. Strength is earned because you were forged in the fires of whatever shit life feels like you need to get through.
Because of the pains, I have been through, I see people much differently in that I am a lot slower to judgment and quicker with empathy.
In Africa where women are raised to be polite, modest, and nice even to early death, we go through hell whether it be at the hands of a romantic interest or because we are navigating societal pressures built on patriarchy while telling everyone we are ‘fine’. We also work extra hard to convince everyone else that we are ‘very fine’.
I do not consider myself a warrior when many women have broken down mentally because of our conditioning. What is the gain in that?
So maybe it is time to revise what “strong means” to us. How do you measure strong?
When you say, “God gives His toughest battles to His Strongest Warriors”, what do you mean?
Are strong people those who never show vulnerability? Those who cannot admit that they don’t always ‘got’ it? Those who keep ‘going and going’ until they break down(in private)? Are strong people those who use drugs, alcohol, sex, and bad attitude, to get away with confronting their humanity? Are the strong people we know those who laugh even when bereaved — who entertain us even when we think their hearts should be breaking?
When I started to see this, “check on your strong friends”, wave on social media, I was happy about it.
God’s toughest battles aren’t for the strong warriors. God’s toughest battles are for people like you and me and I don’t know about you but I am not the strongest. I sweat the small stuff sometimes. I cry about the big stuff just as much as the small stuff. I moan when things don’t come quickly enough and I am vulnerable too but guess what?
I have survived things my way just like you have survived your way and even when I thought I would not make it, the battle did not take me, and if you are reading this, neither did the battle take you.
So congratulations to us BUT dear God, I still think you chose the wrong warrior with me. My frame is too fragile for more than half the bullshit I have been through and please, let no one call me “strong” because I have ‘survived, so far.
I am “strong” even when I am broken, battered, and in my feelings. So maybe don’t call me?
Thank you for reading. Care to Buy me coffee?