GROUCH CHRONICLES PART 7

A Grumpy Old Guy Has Opinions About “Don’t Say Gay” and More

America flunks education, again

Conservatives like to call liberals “pussies.” That’s insulting as hell.

Pussies are strong, resilient, and a pleasure to interact with. Liberals are dicks — unreliable, only stand up for themselves occasionally, and if the surveys are to be believed, mostly unsatisfying. I find conservatives to be assholes, but more on that later.

The latest example is the “don’t say gay” debacle. One side is showing the calm restraint of a pistol in a microwave, the good liberals on Medium answer “parental control” would be fine if we could just get rid of that pesky discrimination.

Yay.

Look, if someone says “I’m going to light a fire and burn down the school,” the correct reaction is “Holy shit, you’re a maniac!” The liberal reply is, “Well, to prove I am open-minded, I also favor fire. But burning down the school seems extreme.”

So when a rightwingnut says parental control, they mean “If the choir sings Deck the Halls, it should be changed to ‘Don we now our gender-appropriate apparel’! Teachers should wear body cameras and be fired if they mention science! Also, cut their pay! They can steal food at their waitressing side gig!”

The liberals are, as usual, flaccid at the vital moment. “Well, to prove I am open-minded, I also favor parental control. But shouldn’t teachers be paid enough to eat? Otherwise, they will be too weak to carry the body cameras.”

I got words for everybody in this here FUBAR-fest.

Lesson #1: How not to be confused for a hateful sack of shit

People make a lot of irritating noises, and one of my least favorite is the whine of a homophobe who’s been called out. Of course you deny it, Sparky. I wouldn’t want people talking about me that way either. The good news is that unlike boy bands with Autotune, there’s a solution to being falsely accused of bias, and I’m here to share. You may want to write it down. Ready?

Folks won’t mistake you for a bigot if you don’t act like a bigot!

I know, right? Bolt from the fucking blue. And like all great ideas, it’s extremely simple.

Remember how you emailed that hilarious Michelle-Obama-looks-like-a-gorilla cartoon, and everybody called you racist and sexist? Well, when you vote for douchebag morons ranting about some phantom “gay agenda,” people think you’re a raging asshole.

Try this easy two-step process. Step one, stop being a raging asshole. Step two, think before you speak. Imagine it as being on the hate control pill combined with a bigotry condom. It’s 99.9% effective!

However, like contraception this method can fail when not used properly. Too bad the people who need it are the ones who aren’t keen on birth control.

Lesson #2: The parental role in education

“Parents should have more say in their kids’ education” is a lovely sentiment. It’s also a cluster-fuck waiting to happen.

Let me let you in on a little secret. However difficult teaching looks, it is way harder.

Not to be indelicate, but you don’t know shit about your kids’ education. And that’s fine. It’s part of the gossamer tapestry we call life — nobody can know everything. If you need your house re-piped, call a plumber. If you don’t understand computers, put down the goddamn screwdriver and call the Geek Squad.

Well, you don’t know how to teach. You have other responsibilities instead. Like your job. The one I’m not telling you how to do.

But of course parents are essential to the educational process. Everyone has a part to play. Mom and dad, yours is to keep Junior alive, then drop him off at school and go. Away.

Want to stop by on parent night? Please do! I’d love to meet you. Let me know what the kiddies are doing outside my class. Catch me up on home-life issues I might need to know about. Then go home and let me do my damn job.

What’s that, Sparky? “Parents know their children best”?

Bless your little heart.

I think hospitals must add a free memory wipe with every delivery. Your parents didn’t know shit about you, remember? You only think you’re cooler than they were because you became them when you weren’t looking.

I remember a parent conference for a kid with a bad habit of acting the fool in class. Mom was freaking because there was no way little Suzy would do those things! Why? Because she got a student of the week award in 6th grade. Once.

You know who deserved an award? Me, because I didn’t fucking pound my head on the table.

Pro tip, take those awards with a block of salt. Brainiac and Jocko get recognition all the time, we’re under orders to share the wealth. Junior’s certificate might really be for Outstanding Achievement, or maybe just going a week without publicly soiling himself.

Your test is, which was it? His teacher knows. All the teachers know. The entire school staff. Most of the other kids. Your neighbor.

Everybody but you.

I don’t need a lecture from Mrs. Delusional, who can’t tell her former rosy-cheeked schoolgirl from a hormone-addled adolescent miscreant. Your kid may win a Nobel prize someday, but today she’s a surly little shithead.

So how about this? Righties, go hang out with your churchy friends and talk smack about me. Lefties, get a gallon of red wine and yammer about how you’ve shifted the parenting paradigm by not becoming an adult.

Just don’t do it here.

Your kids’ heads are full of rocks, and the staff at Mt. Sisyphus High have some serious rolling to get them over the knowledge mountain. Liberal dicks are annoying, but we need a “don’t say anything” law for conservatives. The problem with assholes is they’re full of shit and it’s embarrassing when they speak in public.

John Werth is a Medium Top Writer in Humor, Satire, and LGBTQ who describes his writing style as “You’d read this if I were famous.” He finds writing more tiring than exercise, so he compensates by not exercising. In rare instances, he refers to himself in the third person.

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