Grouch Chronicles, Part 5
A Grumpy Old Guy Talks About Guns
A SCOTUS with infringe on top
Don’t mess with the Second Amendment!
I’ve never claimed to be the brainiest guy in the world, and there are plenty of things I don’t understand. Love is confusing. Sex is complicated. The Science Channel is fucking obsessed with Nazis. Seriously, it’s like every third show. I’m waiting for Mike Rowe to name-check Hitler in a narration about black holes. It’s weird as hell.
But I gotta tell you, Sparky, you and your guns are near the top of the WTF list. Having wet dreams about machines designed solely to kill other people gives me the creeps. And you yap about them constantly and nonsensically.
Like, have any of you guys actually read the Second Amendment? I think they were getting paid by the comma.
A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.
I know those wacky kids at the NRA only ever quote the back half of that. But then again, they are — and I want to be careful and diplomatic here — lying sacks of shit, with blood on their hands and cold ashes where their hearts should be. Oh, and brains full of dollar signs. Your membership dues are going toward a very fancy wardrobe for Wayne LaPierre.
See? Diplomatic. It took some editing, the first few drafts came off as angry.
Schrödinger’s Constitution
As I understand it, there are various schools of thought about the Constitution. You guys talk a lot about “original intent,” which apparently means the 2nd reads the same with or without the militia stuff. So why’d the Founders leave it in there? Did they use up their editing time calculating that a Black person employed as a farm implement was worth 3/5th of a white citizen?
Apparently, original intent means the Constitution is simultaneously the absolute truth and meaningless dreck until a conservative looks at it.
Which is how you like your Bible, come to think of it. Abortion isn’t mentioned at all, but it’s priority #1. Meanwhile, multimillionaire pastors navigate private jets through eyes of needles. It’s the kind of fancy flying you can only pull off when Jesus is your co-pilot.
If the Word of God is just an approximation, what’s a “well regulated militia” or two between friends?
“Stare decisis is the doctrine that obligates courts to look to precedent when making their decisions.”
I know you think the Supreme Court’s word is law, give or take Roe v. Wade and a few other minor niggles. So when the Court ruled the English language was unconstitutional in SCOTUS v. Grammar, it applied a quick spritz of Militia-B-Gon. Out of nowhere, the Second Amendment applied to private gun ownership. And of course we shouldn’t interfere with that precedent, all fifteen glorious years of it. Well, almost.
Yep, it was wayyyy back in 2008 when a handful of right-wing ammosexuals in black robes treated our Constitution like their Bible and rewrote it more to their liking. Yay team.
Though to be fair, thanks to you fuckers 2008 does feel like a long, long time ago.
It’s not a phallic thing!
I know you hate snarky assholes like me who say open carry is just an excuse to wave your detachable cock around in public. But why else would somebody bring an AR-15 into a fast food joint?
Face it, Sparky, you can claim self-defense, but portable manliness makes way more sense. The only real danger you’re going to face in there is E. coli. What are you gonna do? Pop a cap in some unwashed romaine?
Still, I’m nothing if not fair, so I took a cue from you and did my own research. After Googling “sexy woman with a gun,” I’m happy to report zero evidence for those slanderous misrepresentations. My sincere apologies.
I promise there’ll be a punchline at the end
Now I have to be serious for a minute. I know you think everything in this chart is just coincidence.
You’ll point out we don’t have the most gun crime, which is true — as long as you include the Third World, authoritarian regimes, and countries in varying degrees of civil war. So we have that going for us. Which is nice.
Seeing as this is a humor piece, I’ll throw in a riddle for you. What do Japan, Italy, Switzerland, the Netherlands, Norway, South Korea, Spain, Germany, Australia, and the U.S. have in common?
Give up? The homicide rate of the last one is greater than the rates of all the others combined. ROTFL!
Why do We the People of the United States of America slaughter each other in bulk when others don’t? What the hell is wrong with us? I really hope it is the guns. That would be so much better than the alternative.
The worst bit of all is you’re right, at least partly — shooting people is sometimes necessary. And that necessity should be a crushing burden of shame on us all. Evil or heroic, every shot fired in anger is a reminder we are still a failed species, unworthy of the lofty position we have assigned ourselves.
A gun is like a racial slur, the swollen belly of a starving child, the rattling last breaths of a person dying alone and unloved. It’s another black mark in humanity’s long, inglorious record of not giving a goddamn about each other. Another symptom of a disease we haven’t the courage or decency to solve.
And until we do, the cult of the gun will grind on. We’ll continue to stand by as countless lives are turned to dust and our cowardice dishonors their memories.
So in the end, you’re right. Your metal dick isn’t evil. But I’m not sure about the sociopathic piece of shit holding it. Maybe someday we can pitch your story to the Science Channel, their standards are low.
How’s that for a punchline, Sparky? Hi-fuckin’-larious.
John Werth is a Medium Top Writer in Politics, who describes his writing style as “You’d read this if I were famous.” He finds writing more tiring than exercise, so he compensates by not exercising.
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