GET OFF MY LAWN

A Grumpy Old Guy Explains All of American Politics in 24 Words

The only political piece you’ll need this election year!

As a service to MuddyUm readers, I am happy to present “The Secret to American Politics” in two sentences. I’ve chosen a humor publication because it’s hilarious.

Ready?

Republican politicians have no principles or conscience. No matter what they say, their goal is to gain and maintain power by any means necessary.

OK, maybe its level of funny depends on how dark your sense of humor is. To understand mine, I’m thinking of a screenplay about the GOP called White Party: a Black Comedy. Call me Mister Effing Sunshine.

It’s not a matter of partisanship. I’m not in love with the goddamn Democrats. They’re the bucatini pasta of America’s political buffet — limp, with holes down the middle where their spines should be.

Problem is, the GOP lost their fucking minds. The left is supposed to be the wild-eyed and irrational ones, so now Democrats have to be the adults in the room. This is not playing to their strengths.

I don’t take any joy from this. It’s totally screwed up my magnificent retirement — becoming a Republican with big-ass Andy Rooney eyebrows, happily whiling away the hours complaining about how the music was better in my day.

Which it was. I’ll ride with you punk kids for social justice and equality, but we’re listening to my effing playlist.

Admittedly, joining up with the St. Ronnie Crusaders was never going to be easy. They have a rap sheet, like this gem from Reagan advisor Lee Atwater clarifying what the conservative agenda really means.

You start out in 1954 by saying, “N*****, n*****, n*****.” By 1968, you can’t say “n*****” — that hurts you, backfires. So you say stuff like, uh, forced busing, states’ rights, and all that stuff, and you’re getting so abstract. Now, you’re talking about cutting taxes, and all these things you’re talking about are totally economic things and a byproduct of them is, blacks get hurt worse than whites.

The problem is, being a liberal is a pain in the ass. All the caring about everybody, even the ones who don’t deserve it. That shit wears you down. Optimism and fighting the good fight are jobs for people whose spirits haven’t been bludgeoned by decades of disappointment in their fellow humans.

Being a misanthrope was going to work great as a conservative. It feels really awkward as a liberal.

Now, some of you may think this is all a little harsh. But as a scientist, I have to go where the data leads. Is your Republican uncle who has “no problem with the blacks” a lovely person? I can’t say. Maybe being elected sours the milk of human kindness.

But don’t take my word for it, try it out. The proof’s in the unpalatable pudding I’ll be eating on the veranda of an old folks’ home any day now.

Fair warning, “The Secret” isn’t perfect. Once in a while the right will go lower than you anticipated. For instance, I didn’t see Mango Mussolini winning. Not that some freakshow candidate wasn’t coming — with as many clowns as the GOP let into the car, they would grab the wheel eventually. I just figured whoever it was would be smarter than a houseplant.

On the upside, you’ll never be wrong twice in a row. It predicted that once Donnie Crassco won the primary, his party would immediately abandon every one of their supposed principles. And voilà, they latched onto that big orange turd and tongue-polished it with all their might.

So the retirement plans are on ice. I have to spend my golden years cleaning up the shit show my generation left behind and manning the barricades with the kids instead of telling them to get off my lawn. I may never experience the joy of not giving a damn.

Anybody who thinks that sounds like fun, please raise your hand. Then get the hell out of here.

Oh, before I forget — I need some co-writers for the screenplay. We can meet at my place for a political dinner. The menu is pasta in a watery vegan sauce with a side of unidentified mushrooms that are white, bitter, and toxic.

Don’t miss your chance, this picture’s gonna be box-office gold, baby.

For the rest of the Grouch Chronicles in MuddyUm, check out A Grumpy Old Man Shits On Your Dreams, On the Young, and On Slut-Shaming.

John Werth is a Medium Top Writer in Politics. He’s also a 12x Top Writer on another platform, but in Canada so you wouldn’t know her. He finds writing more tiring than exercise, so he compensates by not exercising.

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Writing is tiring business, you can help by buying me a coffee.* * Donations may be redirected to refurbishing my villain’s lair without notice. It’s a risk.

Also by John Werth in MuddyUm