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2033

Abstract

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    </figure></iframe></div></div></figure><p id="6c3e">It turns out Medium has iguanas, too. Except it’s Christians, and they’re falling on me no matter the weather.</p><p id="5ab5">There have been interesting discoveries. Like, am I the last person to find out there’s no <i>the</i> Bible? The eternal, unchanging and infallible Word of God has more flavors than a Baskin-Robbins. Then there are books about them, books about those books, magazines, websites, church bulletins, and presumably God knows what else.</p><p id="2298">Obviously, signing up with Big Daddy, Junior and The Spook means blocking out Sunday mornings, I just hadn’t realized how <i>obsessed</i> some of you are. How do you have time for anything else? I know a guy whose entire living room is a Biblical bunker, floor-to-ceiling shelves of Good Book-adjacent reading matter.</p><p id="6a10">Give it a rest once in a while, I’m sure the Heavenly Father will understand. Besides, every parent needs “Me time” away from the kids. It doesn’t mean They don’t love you.</p><p id="c67b">I do want to address one guy in particular. He wrote that his religion was dying and would be replaced by more tolerant faiths. The last bit sounded good to me, but he was bummed about it. Especially the prophesy that it would lead to persecution of the remaining true believers.</p><p id="6e63">Dude, stop and take a breath. Pull out your New Revised Revision of the Formerly New Revised Mint Chip Cookie Dough

Options

Bible® and I’ll swear on it — “I <code><state your name></code> have no interest in persecuting you for your faith. Zero. None.”Because in order to do that, I would have to — and this is important — give a flying fuck about your faith.I will defend the right of all Americans to believe whatever damnfool ideas they want, so long as I don’t have to hear about it. I may read what you write. I may even ask you about it. Otherwise, it’s a “seen but not heard” situation. Except less of the seen. A little less — a little less — ah, neither seen nor heard at all. Perfect.If I could wave a magic wand and be set free from everyone else’s religion, I’d be working it so hard the breeze would pose a threat to aviation. Persecuting would defeat the purpose.But there’s one thing that might change my mind. If you continue to be a pain in the ass, I may get aggravated enough to want a piece back.You’re worried about the future, I’m awash in oppressive Christianity now. The only way to avoid being Bible-slapped every five minutes is to stay home. With the TV off. And The Internets disconnected.So relax, I don’t need to hear the Good News again. Everything after the first thousand repetitions is overkill anyway. Let’s try mutual non-aggression instead. I promise never to do any persecuting if you stay out of my face. Don’t show me yours and I won’t show you mine.Because in my spiritual ecosystem, Jesus is just one more iguana — it’s all good, so long as He’s non-invasive and stays in the trees where He belongs.<a href="https://medium.com/@johnwerth">John Werth</a> is a 12x Top Writer, but on a platform in Canada so you wouldn’t know her. He finds writing more tiring than exercise, so he compensates by not exercising. If by some miracle you have room in your inbox, consider filling it with a subscription to get his stories.</article></body>

GOOD FENCES

Iguana Jesus and the Many-Flavored Bible

Have faith in your faith, just keep it to your own damn self

Photos by Korall on Wikimedia Commons | Lama Roscu on Unsplash | Timothy Eberly on Unsplash

Help! The Medium Algorithm is trying to convert me!

All I wanted was to explore the world of spirituality by reading some articles, now my homepage is overrun by more uninvited Christians than 13th century Jerusalem.

There’s one of the great under-appreciated rules of comedy, free of charge — always lead with a Crusades joke. Never fails.

It’s given me a chance to research the lifestyles of the richly religious, though. The best analogy I’ve come up with is a biology field trip to Florida — there’s more going on than I’d realized, and once I knew what to look for it turned out the ecosystem is overrun with invasive iguanas.

Fun Florida fact: being cold-blooded, iguanas become comatose at extremely low temperatures and may fall out of trees onto unsuspecting passers-by. The National Weather Service even has warnings for it.

It turns out Medium has iguanas, too. Except it’s Christians, and they’re falling on me no matter the weather.

There have been interesting discoveries. Like, am I the last person to find out there’s no the Bible? The eternal, unchanging and infallible Word of God has more flavors than a Baskin-Robbins. Then there are books about them, books about those books, magazines, websites, church bulletins, and presumably God knows what else.

Obviously, signing up with Big Daddy, Junior and The Spook means blocking out Sunday mornings, I just hadn’t realized how obsessed some of you are. How do you have time for anything else? I know a guy whose entire living room is a Biblical bunker, floor-to-ceiling shelves of Good Book-adjacent reading matter.

Give it a rest once in a while, I’m sure the Heavenly Father will understand. Besides, every parent needs “Me time” away from the kids. It doesn’t mean They don’t love you.

I do want to address one guy in particular. He wrote that his religion was dying and would be replaced by more tolerant faiths. The last bit sounded good to me, but he was bummed about it. Especially the prophesy that it would lead to persecution of the remaining true believers.

Dude, stop and take a breath. Pull out your New Revised Revision of the Formerly New Revised Mint Chip Cookie Dough Bible® and I’ll swear on it — “I <state your name> have no interest in persecuting you for your faith. Zero. None.”

Because in order to do that, I would have to — and this is important — give a flying fuck about your faith.

I will defend the right of all Americans to believe whatever damnfool ideas they want, so long as I don’t have to hear about it. I may read what you write. I may even ask you about it. Otherwise, it’s a “seen but not heard” situation. Except less of the seen. A little less — a little less — ah, neither seen nor heard at all. Perfect.

If I could wave a magic wand and be set free from everyone else’s religion, I’d be working it so hard the breeze would pose a threat to aviation. Persecuting would defeat the purpose.

But there’s one thing that might change my mind. If you continue to be a pain in the ass, I may get aggravated enough to want a piece back.

You’re worried about the future, I’m awash in oppressive Christianity now. The only way to avoid being Bible-slapped every five minutes is to stay home. With the TV off. And The Internets disconnected.

So relax, I don’t need to hear the Good News again. Everything after the first thousand repetitions is overkill anyway. Let’s try mutual non-aggression instead. I promise never to do any persecuting if you stay out of my face. Don’t show me yours and I won’t show you mine.

Because in my spiritual ecosystem, Jesus is just one more iguana — it’s all good, so long as He’s non-invasive and stays in the trees where He belongs.

John Werth is a 12x Top Writer, but on a platform in Canada so you wouldn’t know her. He finds writing more tiring than exercise, so he compensates by not exercising. If by some miracle you have room in your inbox, consider filling it with a subscription to get his stories.